In the world of smoking, lighter stealing is a major faux pas (that is French for “dick-move”). There are super pros... for some people, it is second nature to steal your lighter. It is just one of those things that is omni-present amongst smoking circles, from bong rippers to cigar aficionados, the threat of your lighter being mindlessly taken is real.

Through deep mathematical analysis, and spacing out at picture of an American Indian that is on my cork board, I have come up with a fool proof equation on how you can always predict who will win a presidential election. Look at the two candidates and then ask yourself, “Which one of these people would pocket my lighter if they were hanging out at a party.”


Here is proof – lets look at last 10 presidential elections:

1972 Richard Nixon vs George McGovern
Tricky Dick has your lighter and your phone is tapped.
Nixon won and has your lighter. 
1976 Jimmy Carter vs Gerald Ford

My mom always told me to beware of soft spoken southern dudes that grow peanuts.

Carter won and has your lighter.
1980 Ronald Reagan vs Jimmy Carter

Well... as you know, actors are professional liars. It is not a contest.

Reagan won and has your lighter.
1984 Ronald Reagan vs Walter Mondale
Just say no to... stealing my lighter.
Reagan won and has your lighter. 
1988 George H. W. Bush vs Michael Dukakis

You were spacing out to Dukakis’s mighty eyebrows and didn’t notice George I cuffing your flame.

George I won and has your lighter.
1992 Bill Clinton vs George H. W. Bush
Slick Willie has your lighter and your girl’s panties.
Clinton won has your lighter.
1996 Bill Clinton vs Bob Dole

Dole had a bum paw, Bill can charm the horns off the devil.

Clinton won and has your lighter.
2000 George W. Bush vs Al Gore
Gore was a bore and W is for weasel.
Bush II won and has your lighter.
2004 George W. Bush vs John Kerry

W is a pro lighter stealer 100%... evil Republican chuckle.

Bush II won and has your lighter.
2008 Barack Obama vs John McCain
Barry was a smoker and is 101% politician... to a fault.
Barry won and has your lighter.
2012 Barack Obama vs Mitt or Santorum
You decide, but all signs show Barack again.