High Horoscopes | Jan. 19, 2016


The HIGH TIMES weekly astrological forecast, complete with strain recommendations!

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Come one, come all! See the Amazing Electric Girl! She’s shocking! Her hair is standing on end, bolts of lighting are coming from her fingertips, she’s completely frazzled! She’s overloaded, it’s too much, she might just explode. Stand back, those of you who complain at the slightest thing! Get away, those who need to be babysat through every decision! If you aren’t careful, she might light you up like a candle. This woman needs to be grounded. Hey electric girl, I see you. Take some time to check in with the things that help you breathe. Strain recommendation: Skywalker


Ladies and gentlemen, come see the spectacular Spineless man! He bends with every gust of wind. If you feel loving, he’ll conform to your warm form. If you want a punching bag, he’ll hang from the rafters! No one is more accommodating or willing to serve. Or is he? Could he be plotting revenge? Deep down in those pale eyes lies a bull with horns. Has he forgotten how to get his way? Psst—you have made yourself irreplaceable by being all things to everyone. Use it! Strain recommendation: Island Sweet Skunk


Step right up! You’ve never seen anything like this before folks! The double-headed Hebridean human! They are fascinating specimens of dualism, are they not? See one head trying to get their work done, focusing so hard on achieving their goals—on being the best they can possibly be. Now see the other; wanting so badly to be liked, unable to handle conflict—the peacemaker in every room. Can we help this Hydra find solace? I’m afraid they have to negotiate these tricky terrains alone, by prioritizing which one of them really needs the win this week. Strain recommendation: Sage N Sour


The sexiest androgynous sea-creature human hybrid you can possibly imagine has swum up to our shores, and has consented to hold an audience for those of you lucky enough to get your tickets early! This gorgeous crab-person is in such high demand right now, you might have to fight off your neighbor to catch a glimpse. No sudden movements or you might scare it off. Oh dear, the crowd is getting pushy—they all want a piece. Swim home! Keep yourself safe and quiet until the mob disperses. You are too special for these silly humans; they don’t understand your preciousness. Strain recommendation: Master Kush


It’s the Human Sponge! Give him anything; a new language, a tricky math problem, and he’ll master it. He can soak up any knowledge you have like it’s a pool of curiously colored liquid at the bottom of a garbage bag. And now is that special time of the year when he is at his most absorbent. Whatever he picks up now will stick to him like glue.  So bring by your fancy books and incomprehensible instruction manuals, but keep your bad poems and out-of-date encyclopedias to yourself. He needs to be extra careful about what/whom he allows into his mind these days. Strain recommendation: Qrazy Train


And now, in the center tent, the fantabulous Abacus Freak Boy! Any fight you lose or fact you get wrong, he will count on the chicken heads he has strung around his neck like the crown jewels. And what dark secret does he hold? Deep down inside of him is a smaller freak boy, counting backwards, all of the hurt feelings he has and all of the mistakes he has made. He tallies every side-eyed glance you make and forgotten pleasantry and adds it to his forever growing score-board. Someone save this boy from himself! Break the calculator; hug him until he forgets how to count. Strain recommendation: Golden Goat


You are the sole nurse in a small town during the Dust Bowl. The locals need you desperately. There is so much daily upkeep, and many are family so you can’t turn your back on them. But golly you are tempted to run away with the circus that just rolled into town! They are so exciting and different. Perhaps the best way for you to help your patients is to gather some patience by volunteering at the sideshow? There are many people there who would be thankful for your help, and their youthful creativity will make you a better healer. Strain recommendation: Chocolope


Hello ma’am, have you ever feared someone was listening in on your thoughts? Well I’m here to tell you that such a thing is possible! Presenting the world’s foremost mind-bending mentalist, Marty the Magnificent!!! Poor Martin has been lonely since he lost his love. He couldn’t stop playing mind games with her; that is his nature after all, he is so smart and quick. So she left with no one to play with. How does a mind like his find love? By finding less painful ways to play, being clearer with his intentions and trusting that a vulnerable heart doesn’t mean his mind susceptible to attack. Strain recommendation:  Purple Urkle


With dramatic flair, the magician reveals a rabbit sitting on a stool. ‘This is your future. Step forward and read the writing on the bunny’. You try to make it out but her hair is too fluffy. Suddenly you are trapped in a massive net and pulled way up above the stage. It was a trap! ‘No one can predict your future’ whispers the magician ‘but you can steer it a little’. Try being a bit less susceptible to a trickster, especially when it’s gussied up like a harmless creature. And now settle in for the next attraction; World’s most gullible person, in a net! Strain Recommendation: Mother’s Helper


Remember before the separation surgery? You and your conjoined twin feared nothing; together you took the circus world by storm. Well now you are just an average shy girl watching the world go by, while your sister leaves on a jet plane for the coast. How fragile you feel, alone for the first time. But all the skills and talents you shared haven’t left with her. You’re still charming as ever, and the more determined you are to achieve your goals, the easier making friends will be. Send her your love in a post card, put on your single-sized pantsuit, and make the most of your new life! Strain recommendation: Agent Orange


Here she is, the best in show – Ms. Dandelion Do-Right, our circus poodle! She prances perfectly and her tail is exactly 3 inches pouffy in diameter. But what’s this? A new competition? Surely the judges will recognize her… oh dear, not a familiar face… and her diamond collar has been replaced by a number; just like all the other pups! But how will they know how special she is? She’ll have to start from the bottom again, with all the other scrappy pooches. I hope this time she’ll just enjoy herself with the other dogs since she already knows what it’s like to win. Strain recommendation: Deathstar


Madame Fortuna is waiting for you, she knows you’ll be coming for a tarot reading and so she sits, patiently, while you procrastinate in the carnival midway. Until you are ready to face the truth of what your future holds, you will continue to dawdle by the whack-a-mole and eat funnel cake. But she has advice you need about how to navigate all of the hard decisions that are soon to come. She has a date with the bearded lady tonight, so you better get there before she closes up her tent. Stop playing games and face the truth before it’s too late. Strain recommendation: Willie Nelson