High Horoscopes | Jan. 27, 2016


The HIGH TIMES weekly astrological forecast, complete with strain recommendations!

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Sherlock digs deep—whether he is played by Cumberbatch or Barrymore, his brilliant diligence is impeccable—but he doesn’t kick ass. Mentally he does, absolutely, but in the physical way of handing someone’s own butt back to them, he comes up lacking. You’ll need his analytical skills this week—but more importantly, you’ll want to access Sigourney Weaver’s character in Aliens. Ripley’s ability to protect the innocent while ripping the alien a new one is a glorious example of the wild fire you can summon while staying cool in your Holmes-ian chapeau. Your haiku: kick alien ass / dig deep for the facts, stay cool / heavenly marriage. Strain recommendation: Pineapple Express


An arrogant rapper is forced to live the same day over and over until he learns the lesson of humility? Kanye West stars in Groundhog Day: The Musical.  Now, that I would see. And so should you, because while you’re admittedly pretty cool, I really  don’t need you to tell me so. In fact, each time you drop your own name you drop some degrees. Didn’t you see the send-up Rogan and Franco did of “Bound 3?” You’ve got to laugh at yourself, man.  A chilly haiku for you, dear bull:  we love you Kanye / motorcycle with Kim but / then drop it like Seth. Strain recommendation: Blue Cheese


A magnificent movie mash-up for Geminis this week: Franka Potente’s Lola from Run Lola Run and Billy Crudup’s character from the underrated Tim Burton film Big Fish. You’ve been running pretty hard for weeks now, trying to avoid this. But now you’ve run out of time, and what has been unspoken needs to be aired. The reactions you get to your truth may be more apocryphal than you desire, but try to remember that not everyone can revisit their past in the stark, undappled light that you can. A haiku for you: minutes thump by foot / soundless thoughts need to be voiced / weird skills for coping Strain recommendation: White Rhino


Emotions are running high this week, and you are surprising everyone with your intensity. Imagine Nicholson’s Jack Torrence from The Shining, breaking through the door with his axe, only to find the ladies from Beaches inside, laughing and crying and hugging each other with all the empathy only old friends or sisters can really share. Sadly, I have no advice how to manage this. “That’s just the way it is,” as Bruce Hornsby would sing. A haiku for you Cancerians: shock and awe will fade / let it out and let it be / as it moves through you Strain recommendation: Blue Dream


Some shady stuff was going down, and you got pretty sore. You showed your angry underside and it wasn’t so cute n’fluffy.  But it was totes magoats justified, right? Well now you’ve been Erin Brockoviching and some shit’s come to light, and maybe that stuff don’t stink so much anymore. So what can be done? Well, maybe Julia Roberts needs to mash it up with Jason Lee’s character Earl Hickey in My Name is Earl. You can’t just get the facts straight; you need to make amends too. A haiku to ponder: you stole my Eggo / oops, no you didn’t, my bad / leggo my ego. Strain recommendation: Gorilla Glue #4


While Kevin Spacey’s character in House of Cards might find Eat,Pray,Love facile and derivative, his scorn would keep him from a valuable opportunity: learning how to introduce a new life-affirming habit into his routine. If this sounds familiar, it’d suggest heeding this haiku: ritual to some / heightened connection to love / bring me the bacon. No matter what the activity, doing the same thing once a day with purpose can bring a peace unlike no other. Rigor can be arousing. Strain recommendation: Dutch Treat


Doc Brown from Back to the Future was not known for his dusting. But put him in a movie mash-up with Michael Keaton in Mr. Mom and you have the Libra dilemma this week—your great and powerful mind is being pulled in multiple directions by three messy children, a toaster blowing up and an overflowing bathtub (figuratively that is). Instead of resisting the challenges in your path by insisting your natural talents are being wasted, try adapting to the chaos. Here’s a haiku for you to meditate on: scientific thoughts / wasted on my bastard kids / might as well watch Maury. Strain recommendation: Maui Waui


You play chess with Death in The Seventh Seal, which is amazing enough but consider that you’re Robert De Niro’s character from Taxi Driver, Travis Bickle! Now you may comprehend the battle you are in for this week. The anger rises within; you must sit, you must let it pass through you, while you contain your energy, focus your thoughts, and move your Queen to intercept Death’s bishop. Forestalling your passionate responses is exactly how to proceed through these trying days. Embrace this haiku as a mantra of sorts: I will maul his face / no, I must hear the birds sing songs / breathe goddamnit breathe. Strain recommendation: Cheese


Please recall the image of Luke Skywalker in a handstand with Jedi Master Yoda balanced precariously on his feet somewhere in the marshes on Dagobah. What did Luke learn from this, or from any of his time piggyback rock jumping, lifting droids and cave wandering? Restraint. Now how long would Iron Man’s Tony Stark last on a budget? Well Tony, you need you some Luke-style restraint with that pocketbook or you will end up in yet another mash-up: Oliver Twist in Chaplin’s The Tramp. A haiku just for you: shoes so pretty, red / lightsaber cuts my wallet / please sir, may I eat? Strain recommendation: Double Dream


When you see Dame Maggie Smith’s wonderful Dowager Countess of Grantham pursing her lips at unconventional couplings or resisting the smallest changes at Downton Abbey, you wouldn’t imagine that she could ride the waves with the hottest Hawaiian babes in Blue Crush, but damn girl, that widow can shred! Learning how to go with the flow is her lesson to you, no matter how tightly you are wound. She has demanded I share this haiku with you: wealth dried up, scandal / family name dragged through mud / so hang ten my bro. Learn from the Lady and have a paddle. Strain recommendation: Cinderella 99


When Samuel L Jackson’s character Jules in Pulp Fiction has his epiphany, do we believe it to be earned? Should the happiness of new insight be granted only to those who struggle for it? Mash up Tim Robbin’s Andy Dufresne from Shawshank Redemption with Jules: if he had to dig his way out through solid prison walls with a mini-hammer for years, then climb through raw sewage pipes in order to have this life-changing realization, would we happily permit him his clarity of spirit? Do you need to suffer to be allowed yours? A haiku: I can see the light / though my past is filled with sin / must I earn this right? Strain recommendation: Jupiter OG


In order to protect your sensitive Piscean heart from yourself this week, please welcome into your body the spirit of Andrew Lincoln’s character Rick Grimes from The Walking Dead. This dogged defender is ready to slaughter the zombies in your mind. And then to protect you from the rest of the world, please allow the quiet strength shown by Will Sampson’s character Chief from One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest into your heart. A haiku just for you fishies: quiet be my tongue / god give me the strength to deal / with these massive pricks. Strain recommendation: NYC Diesel