High Horoscopes | Jan. 5, 2016


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The HIGH TIMES weekly astrological forecast, complete with strain recommendations!

Find Aelie Câlin on Facebook and Twitter.

Aries

You’ve been battling the bandits wonderfully: one by one, then a pile-up, jumping down from trees, ambushing you in bed… and now you finally get to meet the big boss. Take your time, pull back and summon some strength by clearing your mind. A fame-hungry cowpoke may jump in to win that final battle in your place—let him fall by the wayside. He hasn’t toughened up along the way like you have. Don’t be hasty or jump in unprepared. Everything is coming to a head, and you are ready to make your successful move. Strain recommendation: Harlequin

Taurus

It’s ‘Get daring and get some sexy’ week! Partnered? Bonnie and Clyde—your sexy outlaw connection strengthens with every heist.  Single? Wonder Woman meets Superman—taking on adventures helps you meet romantic prospects. Happily Han(d) Solo? Your pals might be a bit needy and advantage-taking just now, assuming that since you’re unencumbered by a relationship that you’re keen to listen to them whine about being lonely. A reminder about the joys of personal space might be good to impart, as well as a swift tap on the snout for being blind to life’s daily gifts. Tell Chewy to quit his moanin’. Strain recommendation: Cat Piss

Gemini

The West Coast of North America was awakened by low-level earthquakes last week. There was, and still is, a fair bit of confusion around it all. Where did it originate? Is it a sign of the Big One to come? Was there more than one? If Facebook was any indication, people from Northern BC to Southern Cali felt the earth move. “Did anyone else just feel that?” littered my feed, although reports are still confused now. Strangely, feeling similarly now will be of benefit to you. Discombobulation and a temporarily heightened sense of the Now is the wake-up you need after the holiday Netflix coma. Strain recommendation: Trinity

Cancer

Your recent life reminds me of Canadian artist David Altmejd’s sculptural work: big, spread-out, suspended pieces of seemingly random articles that make up a whole in a uniquely unsettling and beautiful way once seen at particular perspectives. The large assortment of stuff keeping you occupied might hinder your ability to see the remarkable artwork before you. Also that silly crow screeching at you doesn’t help keep your head up. Let the noisy ones be ridiculous, it will be easier on you than fighting it. Put your energy into healing old wounds with those who meant something significant to you at one time. Strain recommendation: Headband

Leo

Everyone’s having retrograde headaches, but you Leo, are thriving in this madness. Not that you aren’t going to have major communication breakdowns and emotional eruptions, but in between all the messy will be mini-moments of sensible decision-making and potentially great career moves for you to maneuver the start of now. It’s all a bit confusing I’m sure, but harness some Tarzan tree-swinging agility, and you might skip over the pitfalls with grace. I will share some hard-learned advice from 8-year-old me—don’t let go of the first rope before grabbing the second one. Strain Recommendation: White Widow

Virgo

It’s a New Year, a fresh slate for everyone, or at least we like to think it is. For most of us though, we will spend a few days in a fantasyland of treadmills and vegan smoothies until harsh lazy reality sinks in. Not this time for you Virgo, you are in a tumultuous revolution of charisma, confidence and chaos! It’s all upside down, no time for old habits to creep back in: you’re too busy keeping the cat from falling onto the roof! Do yourselves a favor and YouTube Lionel Richie “Dancing on the Ceiling,” scrub to the 1:20 minute mark for a how-to in taking it all in stride. Strain recommendation: Jack Herer

Libra

Your panache for decadence this week would make Jordan Belfort blush and Caligula giggle. As it should be! You are not usually known for your indulgence, so I wish to bestow upon you the allowance to smoke ‘em if you got ‘em. Go ahead and let the pool boy peel you a grape.  You have a great adventure coming up which requires cleaning your soul of ancient artifacts, and when you do so it’d be nice to have the gears greased with a little dirty oil. Too much squeaky cleanliness just stiffens everything up. Strain recommendation: Girl Scout Cookies

Scorpio

The universe, the cosmos, the stars, whatever it is, it’s got your back.  Don’t start crossing streets with your eyes closed, but trust that the troubling issues in your life will be sorted with or without your personal efforts. In fact, you can take a little vacation while the powers that be sort you out. You could ease things along by keeping your compassionate heart available—I mean, if you really want to bother. It might be nice: a little generosity of spirit could actually soften the blow that you are gonna serve up to an unsuspecting troublemaker this week. But really, either way—your call. Strain recommendation: Alaskan Thunder Fuck

Sagittarius

Who wants to say ‘yes’ all the time? It’s harder to do than you’d think. ‘No’ comes easily, it requires few commitments; it’s a way out. ‘Yes’ is a plan, an acknowledgment, an agreement. Please though, say it.  Seriously, it’s time to be happy. You’ve been a tough nut, a bit blue maybe, or strict with yourself. And while you have been grumpy, something important has slipped your attention. It’s even spinning out of control a bit, so saying yes is a good first step to remedying the situation. You’ve got to axe-SEN-too-ate the positive. Strain recommendation: Sour Diesel

Capricorn

You have worked diligently on your fears and now you are ready for your high jump! There you go, taking off on a thrilling adventure. You are Dumbo with his little feather, running off that diving board and flapping his ears. Just about the cutest fear warrior there ever was. And that feather, what a loving companion. You know deep down that you could achieve your goals without it, but why bother? It’s such a nice feather, it makes you smile, it’s soft and cuddles you when you sleep. Appreciate your feathers Capricorns—they make your life so good. Strain recommendation: Blue Dream

Aquarius

It’s a brave new week, which will require you to dig deep into your patience reserves. Your cohort is getting snappy from stress and you are busy keeping your own anxiety levels low. So how’s a simple water-bearer to cope? Focusing in on new ambitions makes petty irritations seem irrelevant. Did Simone de Beauvoir stop writing when Sartre got a little snarky? Neither should you allow your tides of change be dampened by someone else’s tide pools of panic. Strain recommendation: Cinex

Pisces

In John Steinbeck’s Of Mice and Men, Slim says “Ain’t many guys travel around together. I don’t know why. Maybe ever’body in the whole damn world is scared of each other.” Dear Pisces, you work hard, you get dirty, you travel the long dry roads—and sometimes you are alone. You need a travel companion, and to quote another John, “If you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with.” This applies to all sorts of love, of course: animals, siblings, friends, lovers, parents, children, and humanity as a whole. Strain recommendation: Silver Surfer