High Horoscopes | Mar. 17, 2016


The HIGH TIMES weekly astrological forecast, complete with strain recommendations!

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When the stars are favorable, the Aries ram is a super loving, über fun blast of magic and freedom. You make us feel so special when you shine your light on us. Your life force is absolutely enthralling, and that’s why when it goes away, the dark feels extra black. We see you alternately isolate yourself and impulsively lash out, destroying yourself by blasting apart those who love you with a freeze ray gun and your signature hypersensitivity. You are a gale force wind, and you can lift sails as easily as you can pick up a cow and deposit it states away. I encourage you to find the boring middle road this week and sit in the temperate waters. Strain recommendation: Blue Mystic


In the midst of a busy week of deadlines and meetings, pushing you to the edge of reason, comes a few oasis days. A truly Taurean time to shine as the energetic doer that you are, the creator and lover of people, adventure and art. Summon all of the positivity you can from this sunny break because the rains will fall again despite your radiance. Take the time you are given to reach out to old friends that you miss; they have been waiting for you. Strain recommendation: Blueberry Yum Yum


You came into the forest looking for a little wood and now that’s all you can see: trees everywhere and nothing else. Not a distinguishing bush or familiar clearing to be seen. What began as a simple task has become rather serious, and the sooner you recognize that, the better. Put aside the plans you had because I’m afraid this will take over your life for the time being. No one is to blame, not even you—sometimes the universe just blocks your path for a while so you can remember how to forge your own trail. Strain recommendation: Warlock


The way water seeps into wood, or oil takes to cloth, so can the past seep into your present. It can be very quick, potentially damaging, and impossible to control once begun. When they meet, there is instant cohesion. The only sane way to move through such a moment is with immediate self-awareness, masterful practicality, and zero patience with your own indulgent emotionality. See the past as an oil stain on your beautiful new shirt, don’t scrub at it until you make a hole—soak the whole thing in oil and accept that it will be a slight shade darker from now on. Strain recommendation: Jamaican Dream


During this week ahead your eyes will be those of a young world traveler. The streets are full of unexpected color and activity, the funny shapes of the traffic signs make you giggle and you want to take a picture of every animal you see. New tastes challenge your palate, and you plan excursions to places you never thought you’d want to see but suddenly feel like you can’t miss. This is a rare opportunity to rediscover the beauty in your daily life, and your tired eyes could sure use the break. Enjoy it like there’s only a few days left of March break! Strain recommendation: Silver Pearl


This is your chance to be the Puppet Master! Finally you can make the lonely goatherd move to the big city and join OK Cupid rather than waste his life yodeling in the Austrian mountains for a wife. If the reference is lost on you, I will try to be more succinct. You have the ability this week to manipulate your friends into having the awesome life you know they could have if they just listened to you! Your powers will only last until the end of this week, and then like Cinderella’s chariot it will return to being the same old critical pumpkin your friends are sick of hearing from. Strain recommendation: Ripped Bubba


Your mental cylinders are firing rapidly and you are more than ready to finally immerse yourself entirely in your pet project. In an unsettling twist, your calendar app is telling you new and conflicting information. It might take twice, even three times longer than you expected to complete. The gears come to a screeching halt as your hopes are dashed. If you could even summon up the chutzpah it will take to attempt this now Herculean task, would it be worth it? Maybe the final goal is not the result you need to measure. Maybe the value is the rush the work gives you. Or maybe, just maybe, you need to find a new task to pour your devotion into. Strain recommendation: Tangilope


She always catches all the green lights while you sit in traffic. He never deals with ingrates while you are surrounded by asshats. That dog is constantly forgiven for his farts, while you are blamed for everyone else’s. Is it your awful fate to never catch a break, or do they know something you don’t? It’s not your imagination: everyone does have it better than you. It’s a conspiracy really. We all got together and decided that the good mojo only goes to those who know what they are doing it all for. Strain recommendation: Seattle Cough


Don’t tell me not to live, just sit and putter. Life’s candy and the sun’s a ball of butter. Don’t bring around a cloud to rain on my parade!” Yes Barbra, they just don’t understand the marvelous adventure ahead of you. Their worries and nay-saying are so very boring. Toss it aside like Mary Tyler Moore’s hat and reach for the stars, baby! If that means leaving them behind for a while, striking out as a solo act, then so be it. They were playing on your last nerve anyway, and someone was about to get a punch in the nose, goshdarnnit! Strain recommendation:  Super Snow Dog


Life just got super real—yes! Time for some big thinks about big lifey things—for sure! No time for poppycock and twaddle! There is a ridiculously important, massive, forever change on your plate, and you best wash it down with some silly string and bubbly—cause if you can’t laugh at the beautiful absurdity of life, then you will be pulled down by the sheer magnitude of it. This ain’t no joke. As my brother once said when contemplating something out of his control: “Pigbearcow”. “What?” I asked. ‘Well, just imagine a pig/bear/cow’ he said with a smile. “That’s how ridiculous life is. It’s just a pigbearcow”. Strain recommendation: Hawaiian Fire


You are so many wonderful things, but a great communicator you are not. When you are sad or worried you tend to clam up and paint a smile on your shell. Your loved one is desperate for real connection as you traverse this unexpected new weirdness together. Don’t be a mollusk! Clams are terrible spirit animals. Try to summon your Labrador retriever, dolphin or lowland gorilla. Use sign language or bark out directions on how to save Timmy from the well, whatever you have to do to ensure your partner feels that you’re in this together. Strain recommendation: Blue Dot


The great Spring Clean has arrived! Windows get washed, shelves get scrubbed, and old margarine containers are repurposed as nuts and bolts holders. Time to pull out that dusty old friendship and give it a once over. Finally you can recycle the box it came in and throw away the instruction manual. Now it might all fit perfectly in those new friend sized containers you got to tidy up your friend zone. But what to do with that awkwardly shaped lusty bit? It won’t fit in the container, but maybe you’ll want to use it some rainy day? Either put on the romance attachment and give it a trial period, or give the part away to charity and be happy with the beautiful organization you have achieved! Strain recommendation: Moby Dick