High Horoscopes | Mar. 30, 2016


The HIGH TIMES weekly astrological forecast, complete with strain recommendations!

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Stevie Wonder’s Pastime Paradise (also known as the riff sampled in Coolio’s Gangster’s Paradise which dominated the soundtrack for the embarrassing ‘90s film Dangerous Minds) is an amazing tune. It is about leaving the past behind and living the change you want to see in the world. Envisioning a future that is enlightened, rather than harping on the pain of the past. This song is all over your chart this week Aires. I recommend putting it on a little loop inside your head and funking your way to a more positive outlook. Strain recommendation: Boysenberry


You woke up missing your peeps. Where is this community I created, the family I made? Where are the colleagues I cultivated, the pets I raised, the neighbors I barely know but can depend on? Maybe a major life shift is in the offing? Your masterful ability to charm and love your way across the globe has left you slightly bereft of an emotional center. Those who love you the most want you by their side, but once the initial warm gooey feelings of reuniting pass, how will you sustain a sedentary life? Time to put that great brain of your towards solving the exciting exploration vs. home comfort question for real. Strain recommendation: Kali Mist


Oh, ‘getting started’ can be abysmal. All that brain storming was invigorating, so you put out some seeds for germination, and now you have to get into the funky-ass fertilizer, dig your paws into the poop and blah, blah, blah, what’s on Netflix? You are smart enough to know there’s some unresolved fear making you procrastinate—failure, success, feeling unworthy… a cornucopia of bullshit for the picking. Maybe I’m just lazy, you wonder. Yes, yes you are, but it’s not the reason, it’s the symptom. Instead of worrying that you suck, and letting that bum you out into an emotional catch-22, find out what is making you suck. Because it is seriously THE ONLY THING in your way to absolute awesomeness. Strain recommendation: Cinex


I love a good Dad bod. It shows us a man who isn’t concerned with tight abs and recapturing his youth. A man who has accepted that life after kids is absolutely consumed by more important things than the gym. When will we be as accepting of mom bods? I see flying cars and teleportation. My anger at this double standard is slightly calmed by you this week. There is something about the way you have gracefully saddled up to a new lifestyle, physique, outlook that is so inspiring. A real period of acceptance: who you are, where you’re at and where you’re going. All signs could take a page out of your memoir entitled “Yup, there it is.” Strain recommendation: Blue Goo


‘The way to reach Leos right now is through their dreams,”my inner voice said. “Have they been sleeping a lot lately?” I ask. I get no response because my inner voice doesn’t like to engage in conversation. It’s more of a “drop a truth bomb then ghost out” kind of playah. So what has been playing at your dream movie theatre this week? I suggest that the style with which your mind has chosen to convey your deep thoughts to you is more telling than the symbols it is presenting. So is it a rom-com? A thriller? Horror? Some Lynchian weirdness? What kind of state is your life in when you typically enjoy this style of film? Can you adjust your outlook on life now to get into that mindset? Strain recommendation: Grape God


People think they have Virgos down, but in all honesty, you elude me. I think I have one of you pinned, and then I meet another that couldn’t be more different. As a writer of astrology this could be rather embarrassing, save for the fact that I have embraced the enigmatic aspect of your aspect as an essential Virgo trait. You are where all the misfit toys come together to party. The only thing binding you together is a consistently misinterpreted cosmic persona. This week I celebrate your individual uniqueness and ask for your permission to continue to lump you all together in the future if only for the sake of brevity and convenience. Respect. Strain recommendation: Nebula


The word Libra sounds like library, or librarian. The Libra symbol is of the scales of Justice being held by Astraea. These two together remind me of a young law student spending long nights in the school library, surrounded by massive tombs of knowledge, all in the attempt to help balance the world. It may be a futile endeavor, but it is an honorable one. Sometimes Librans are so consumed by their need to create order; however, they forget to look at their own imbalances. Of all the signs, you are the most capable of carrying on without much self-reflection, but I encourage you to attempt a bit of inward looking this week. Some greater worldly balance may be achieved once your personal levels are equalized. Strain recommendation: Green Crack


A little factoid for you: Scorpions glow greeny-blue when hit by a black light. Like this fluorescent creature in the night, you also shine in the dark. To take this metaphor to its most obvious conclusion, you strive when times are tough. But to go to an even more interesting place: you have a secret power that is only revealed to those who know what tools they need to bring it out. My wish for you this week is to find one of these tool carriers. I hope they turn their light on you so you will be reminded of your extraordinary qualities—beautiful, unique and magical. Some might find your glow a little creepy or intimidating, but they are just silly muggles. Strain recommendation: Hollywood OG


The new trailer looks so good: the music is thrilling, pounding perfectly with the impeccably edited shots of cool tech and intense actors. You are SO going to see this. Until you hear the tag line, oh the brutal, cheese ball crappy ass standard “When you can live forever—what can you live for?” ”This summer, terror won’t be taking a vacation,” “This time it’s personal.” You hope it’s just one bad PR decision ruining an awesome flick… but you know the truth. That one little red flag is letting you know about the morass of painful one-liners, catchphrases and plot holes that lurks beneath the shiny 30 sec teaser. Heed the signifiers in your life! Strain Recommendation: True OG


I made up a little stoner game out of sheer boredom once. A 6 Degrees of Kevin Bacon and You Tube diving mashup. I pick a target band and a friend picks a starting band, and we have to see how quickly we can get from one to the other following only the suggestions You Tube offers you after watching each video. So Duran Duran might get you to Toto, then it offers REM, then to OutKast, Eminem, Dr.Dre which inexplicably brought me to Andrew Bird with Fiona Apple. Absurdly fulfilling the Duran Duran to Fiona Apple connection in 6 steps (or 6 degrees!). What can you take from this? Enjoy the random trip life takes you on while you are working towards your goal. Strain recommendaton:  Blackberry Lime Haze


Something about you that folks may not know is that part of the reason you are so affable is pure stubbornness. You absolutely refuse to let the downers take you down. You are stoic to the point of flabberghastery! Your back hurts too much to go to work? Damn this body, I won’t let them think me weak, I will not let them down, I am reliable! Your partner driving you mental? I will smile through this, I will be the bigger person, I will kill them with my calmness! Future worries keeping you up at night? I will not be an emotional burden to my loved ones, I will sublimate it with substances, I will keep myself and other distracted with silliness!  The gig is up Aquarius: you are human (for the most part) and allowed to be as grumpy, freaked out and vulnerable as the rest of us. Strain recommendation: Rocklock


Easter has long been a time for new Christians to be baptized. A practice of immersion or sprinkling of water on the devout person offers a clean slate for them to move into a new relationship with their god and themselves. The word Baptism comes from a Greek root which describes “immersing a garment first into bleach and then into dye, both cleansing and changing the color of the cloth”, according to those smart interweb people. No matter your particular spiritual leanings, this process of cleansing and then transitioning into a new form is the right one for you now. A new beginning is cresting before you, and it is a beautiful one. Strain recommendation: Sunshine