High Horoscopes | Mar. 8, 2016


The HIGH TIMES weekly astrological forecast, complete with strain recommendations!

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There is a statue of a water nymph on an Irish cliff, looking out to sea, watching for possible shipwrecks. Her identity is that of the savior of lost sailors, but in fact she is the ultimate stoic. A kindness is needed, a warm embrace, a cuddle. You are not the friend who could help her—you are she, the cold marble shape of a person. It’s not always this way, but you do have this side, as you know, and this week you must heed the call of the siren and fall into the warm embrace of a loved one. Strain recommendation: Critical Hog


Oh, to be a bull this week. To be connected to the zeitgeist the way you are: understanding the rhythms and nuances of the universe and picking up on the communal signals before they fall into the mainstream. If you can just silence the outside world a bit and prick up your ears, you may be able to access some truly wise and avant-garde material that’s bouncing around humanity’s mind. Dip a bucket into the creative mind well and pour yourself something to build a new project with. Strain recommendation: Kali Mist


You are jogging on an old worn-down trail up a familiar mountain. Your tree landmarks are oddly less friendly than usual, and suddenly the path has run out beneath your feet. It is darker now. You can’t find your way back, but neither can you see a new path. This would be the perfect time to panic. But you aren’t usually down for the predictable way to go about things, so instead you stop running. You close your eyes and feel the darkness descending upon the forest, your heart beats slower until the silence is an envelope that you fold yourself into. You are exactly where you need to be now. Strain recommendation: Tiger’s Milk


You pull your shriveled body across the desert, sand storms blast holes in your skin, visions dance across your eyes. The vultures circle. It is unbearable, absolutely overwhelming and it is no longer humanly possible to go further. The point of collapse is imminent. You see a beautiful and detailed pattern lying before you. You pull forward one last time, roll over onto it and face the terrible sun with small smile on your cracked lips.  “It was all worth it,” you croak. To an outside observer you seem possibly mad, but you know the truth, and you are right. It was all worth it. Congratulations. Strain recommendation: Mercury OG


Dark chocolate ganache covered, triple coconut sponge layered, rich cream-filled and salted caramel drizzled cake is a healthy way to lose pounds quickly and easily. Cigarettes are excellent for your heart and your ex still loves you. All of the little bad temptation voices are so convincing this week, and you are such a sucker. Your beliefs are much more hope than fact. “But it feels right, and real and so good,” you say. I’m sorry—I’m so very sorry. But no. Strain recommendation: Diablo


A Virgo stands at the side of a bridge, afraid of heights. Along comes a stranger, offering their arm to cross the bridge together. The Virgo is unsure how trustworthy this potential new partner is. Will they leave her midway, push her over the edge or carelessly let her fall due to her vertigo? The Virgo takes a breath, and then a leap of faith. They proceed together. All is good until they come upon an icy patch. The Virgo tells the new friend to divert them, which they do with ease. A flock of birds swoops by, making the Virgo dizzy; another direction teaches them how to hold the Virgo confidently. They make it to the other side, and then keep walking together just for the fun of it. Strain recommendation: Hippy Crippler


Sometimes no matter what you do, you are going to be out of sync. I used to try to compensate for my energy missteps as they were happening; throwing out a dirty joke if I thought I was coming off as boring, pulling out a 10-cent word when sounding dumb—it almost always backfired, leaving me seeming additionally desperate and awkward. It has taken a lifetime to learn how to ride the misfit wave. I can’t say it’s not uncomfortable, but now I know that there are so many worse things than feeling uncomfortable. And it’s only for a week, then you can go back to being your lovely Libra self. Strain recommendation: Fruity Pebbles


Sometimes your diva antics leave people thinking you are self-absorbed. What they don’t know is that it’s not self-love driving you, but the lack of it. This week is an opportunity for you to recognize that most of the crap in the world is not your fault. Your friend is just having a hard day, your boss has too much on her plate, and that barista doesn’t give a tiny rat’s kack about anyone. You are important to everyone who knows you, yes, but you aren’t so critical that you are solely responsible for everybody’s mood and behavior! So maybe they are right that you are self-absorbed, but not at all in the way they think. Strain recommendation: Dr. Grinspoon


When sailing, sometimes you are dead in the water for ages, and you pray for a strong gust of wind. Sometimes you can be so preoccupied with praying that you are caught off guard when one does swoop in, and the precision and force you need to properly take advantage of it isn’t ready to access. We can all get a bit sloppy—it’s part of letting go enough to relax. But the energy and confidence you have been waiting for has arrived, and it’s a perfect storm, so it is imperative that you are careful and masterful with every move you make. Strain recommendation: Lucid Dream


Life does not take place inside a scientific laboratory—we are rarely given the time to really test a hypothesis, explore new ideas through trial and error, play and experiment. We often behave as if all of the double-blind studies were completed and our findings are ready to be put into motion. In truth, we are more like a substitute high school teacher trying to light a Bunsen burner without singeing off her eyebrows than we are tenured MIT profs. This week you get to try all the options before committing to the final answer, all without losing the impression of pure confidence you have so brilliantly cultivated. Strain recommendation: Afghooey


We all have multiple selves we identify with—the many faces of me: playful, sexy, intense, creative, intellectual, grumpy, intuitive… and the one we have with our family. This one is rarely allowed to change. You don’t usually have to go to the other side of the world to connect with your family, but if you were interested in shifting some old perceptions, it wouldn’t hurt. Planning an adventure together could ultimately deepen an already loving familial relationship, but there is a risk of it all coming apart if you are not wary of your finances. Just as the trip would bond you together, a failed venture could strain the ties that bind. Strain recommendation: Red Congolese


It’s a catch-22. You work so hard to make the money to live the life you want but you never get to enjoy your life because you are working so hard. Two options: stay on the merry-go-round, hoping that the burnout won’t cost you all the money you are making (substances to keep yourself going, the vacation time you’ll need to recuperate from stress induced illnesses, the workout/therapy/food plan memberships you need to keep a healthy lifestyle while working all the time) or step off and take the financial hit. In the end, I suspect the hit will be about the same as burn would cost, but at least you get to save yourself the hardship. Then you just have to deal with the capitalist society guilt. Strain recommendation: Fire OG