Stoner Sex: Fantasizing, Wandering Hands, Too Trusting & Goin’ Down

Dear Hyapatia,
I love having sex when I’m stoned and my boyfriend is a great lover. Nothing turns me on more than having great sex with him. Sometimes though, it takes me a while to climax. I’m very loyal to my boyfriend and would never do anything to jeopardize our relationship, but sometimes I’m tempted to fantasize just so I can climax faster. Is that cheating? – Maria

Dear Maria,
No, that’s not cheating. If you only fantasize now and then, and don't think about another man each time you’re having sex with your boyfriend, I see nothing wrong with that. Now, if you think about another specific guy every time you and your boyfriend have sex, that would be different. Fantasies are not necessarily something that you actually want to make real. Many times I’ve fantasized about things that I would never actually do. The mind is the biggest and most important erogenous zone – the ultimate sex organ! I wouldn't tell your boyfriend though; he doesn't need to know. Who knows? He may be fantasizing about other women from time to time.  

Dear Hyapatia,
When my guy goes down on me he uses his hands on my breasts and it annoys me. I’m afraid to tell him. I don't want to hurt his feelings and I’m just not sure how to bring it up. It only happens when he’s stoned, so I have begun to try to have sex with him before we get high. But I like having sex when I’m stoned, so I miss it. What’s a good way to bring this up? – Savy

Dear Savy,
Try telling him what you do like. I’m sure he’ll follow your directions in order to please you. Or, when you’re having sex and his hands start to bother you, hold them gently with your hands and move them to where you do want them. Move your hands on top of his to show him what to do. Sometimes no words are necessary. I bet he’ll get the picture the first few times you do it.

Dear Hyapatia,
I have a hard time keeping boyfriends. My last boyfriend moved in with me because he needed a place to stay and before I knew it, his brother was there, too. I asked them to pick their clothes up off the floor and keep the lid down on the toilet so the dog wouldn't get in it, and they couldn't even do that! I got mad and told my boyfriend that his brother had to leave. Well, he got all upset and left, too. I have a hard time with boundaries and it seems I get taken advantage of whenever I trust someone. How can I know who to trust? – Kandy

Dear Kandy,
None of us ever really know who will end up hurting us and who will not. It’s impossible to guarantee anything when dealing with other people. We just have to be willing to take a chance and hope for the best. I would consider moving slower in the future. You allowed your last boyfriend to move in with you because he needed a place, not because you were at that stage in your relationship. You did it out of the goodness of your heart and got taken advantage of. There’s nothing wrong with explaining to someone that you’d love to help them, but can’t. It’s okay to say “no.” It doesn't make you a mean person or selfish to take care of yourself first. If a boyfriend doesn’t understand that, then he wasn’t the right guy for you anyway. It’s better to protect yourself first and foremost.  

On that same note, there’s nothing wrong with being single! I personally think masturbation is greatly underrated. You know what you’re getting, you’re always satisfied and there’s never a chance of catching a disease or getting pregnant! Sometimes you're better off being alone for awhile and waiting patiently until someone worthy comes along. 

Dear Hyapatia,
My girl doesn't like to give head.  How can I help her to enjoy it more? – Tom

Dear Tom,
First off, don't pressure her. Let her go at her own pace and be patient with her. Set the scene with music, lights and incense. Take your time with each other so giving head is simply part of the whole dreamy experience of making love. Consider using whipped cream or some other pleasant-tasting confection to help her out. Do not use anything that needs heating up – especially in a microwave – as they heats unevenly and you could hurt yourself badly. It’s happened before! Let her be in control and try different positions. Sometimes that helps. Also, make sure it doesn't bother her if you choose to put your hand on her head as she performs oral sex. Some women don't like that very much.

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