Stoner Sex: Jealous Guys, Dominance, Socializing & Amping Your Sex Life

Dear Hyapatia,
My man and I have a great sex life – no real problem there. It's after sex that the problem begins. We are not living together; our relationship is just a few months old. He has this problem with jealousy. He really keeps it under control until we have sex, which is why we don't have sex more often. After sex, I find him going through my phone to check up on who I've been calling and texting. Honestly, I can't leave the room without my phone or he’ll have it in his hands when I walk back in. He says that if we're having sexual relations, he has a right to know who I’m talking to.  – Genia

Dear Genia,
While it’s natural to wonder if you’re the only sexual partner of your mate, it doesn’t give anyone the right to snoop or spy on someone else. You're absolutely right when you say he has a problem with jealousy. He also has a boundaries issue. If he invades your privacy by going through your phone, then he’s not respecting you. If you’re communicating with another man, it’s none of his business, unless he’s put a ring on your finger or you have some other agreement regarding your relationship. Behavior like this can easily lead to a misunderstanding, should he find a call or conversation that causes him to have suspicion. You need to have a long talk about how unacceptable this is before it gets out of hand. If you’ve given him no reason to be jealous and he continues to overstep his boundaries, I’d seriously consider whether the relationship was worth it.

Dear Hyapatia,
My man is really cool. He’s great to me in every way. He’s older than I am by several years, so it’s no surprise that he’s more experienced sexually than I am. He’s really into dominance. Not B & D. He doesn’t tie me up or anything. He just likes to dominate. At first I accepted it and kinda enjoyed it a bit. Now it’s all we do sexually and I’m getting tired of it. We went to the grocery store and he got all sexy in the produce aisle looking at the cucumbers. He even bought one to use on me later that night. Now I can't go in the produce section without thinking of that and being embarrassed. I will never buy another cucumber! How can I let him know without hurting his feelings that I'm really not into this anymore? – Kyra

Dear Kyra,
Never sacrifice your comfort zone for someone else’s pleasure. If you don't want to hurt his feelings, then break it to him gently by saying you want to have sex without the dominant overtones a few times. Then let him know that you prefer it that way. But it sounds to me as though you may be a bit uncomfortable telling him this. I suggest getting good and high. Then let him know that being submissive just isn't your thing. If he loves and respects you, he’ll accept it and not pressure you into things that don’t fulfill you sexually. He should want you to feel as comfortable and as satisfied as possible. He should be happy that you’re able to open up to him and express your true feelings. If he doesn’t accept your feelings, then he’s looking for something that only fulfills him  – and he certainly won’t find it in you. You will only hurt yourself if you try to be that for him. 

Dear Hyapatia,
My lady is a social butterfly. She has all these friends that want her to go out and do things. That’s fine with me, but she wants me to go along. Many of her friends have husbands that go, too, but that’s just not me. I want to stay home and get high. She wants to get high and go out. How can I get her to let me be? – Colton

Dear Colton,
It’s understandable that you might not want to go out all the time like she does. Some people prefer a lighter social scene. But keep in mind that if she’s out and about all the time, she’s away from you. And remember, it’s not fair if her friends go as couples and she’s forced to go stag. I’m not saying you have to go out with her all the time, but if you do go out now and then, it will keep your relationship on solid ground. You’ll have more things to share with her and talk about. Otherwise, you won’t be as close emotionally as you could possibly be. And you’ll know that she isn't out finding someone else. At the same time, find something that might make her more inclined to stick around more often with you at home. Are there any movies or hobbies the two of you could share?

Dear Hyapatia,
My husband and I have been together for several years now and things just aren't like they used to be in the bedroom. He used to come to bed hard as a rock and we’d go for hours. I understand that life can't always be sunshine and roses. I don't expect things to be like they were when we were newlyweds, but he isn't excited when we go to bed anymore. It takes some attention from me before he’s ready for sex. Is there something I’ve done to make him less turned on by me? I’ve worked very hard to make sure I keep my weight down and am always attractive for him. What’s wrong with our marriage? – Lexi

Dear Lexi,
There’s nothing wrong with your marriage, honey. It’s normal for us to need a little extra effort to get things going as we age and as we become more comfortable in our relationships. And it's certainly not unusual for one partner to have a stronger sex drive than the other. He may be tired from a long day of work. Just give him a little gentle stroking and love. I’ve always found it especially exciting to feel a man grow hard in my mouth. Trust me, if he’s a normal, healthy man, it won't take but a few seconds. That can be very empowering. Don’t be shy about taking the bull by the horns, so to speak. It’s always exciting to schedule a special lovemaking session. Tease him beforehand. Let him know what’s coming his way. Get him thinking about sex.


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