Stoner Sex: Roughness, Rudeness, Pipe Dreams & Aging Libido

Dear Hyapatia,
My man and I love to get high and have sex. He’s a great man and takes really good care of me. I love him dearly. There is just one thing: he’s a little rough in bed. I sometimes enjoy a little rough sex; I can get into that, but he is always very "enthusiastic." I know he means well – there are no bad intentions here – he's just very aggressive. I’ve tried to show him by example the way to make love gently, but I think he mistakes that for me just being "feminine," you know? Is there a way to get him to be more gentle without hurting his feelings? – Janice

Dear Janice,
As I don’t know him, I can't say and can’t judge. But there are ways of telling someone that are less likely to cause hurt feelings. Try to stay away from words like "always" and "should." Also beware of phrases like "you make me." Instead try to emphasize that you’d like to try a softer way of making love. Make the conversation focus on your desires, rather than his actions. That’s key in avoiding hurt feelings.

Dear Hyapatia,
I have the sweetest, most wonderful girlfriend in the world and plan on marrying her someday. I'm also a pot dealer, so we have a lot of people over. She’s really cool with it and all, but some of these people can be rude without really meaning to be. My girlfriend has scars on her body. I see people staring at them and it makes me angry that they are so superficial. She gets embarrassed and leaves the room and sometimes it brings her to tears. I don't want to lose customers. They never come out and say anything rude or anything, so I don't know how to handle it. – Gil

Dear Gil,
Unfortunately, some people have no tact or have any idea how their behavior affects others. You might consider saying something like: "I see you staring at my beautiful girlfriend. I know she’s hot, but she’s mine and you can't have her. So could you please keep your eyes to yourself?" That way they know they’ve crossed a line. But never call attention to what makes her feel self-conscious.

Dear Hyapatia,
I have this great girlfriend and we’ve been together for almost two years now. When we get stoned, she sometimes goes off on how she wants to be a singer. I’ve tried to be supportive, but she hasn't done anything to follow her dream. First of all, I suggested voice lessons. You would have thought that I told her that she didn't know how to dress herself! Then I suggested Karaoke. We went two times. She was disappointed that the crowd didn't go wild and we never went back. Also, it's not like we live in New York or LA!  We’re in the middle of the country. I don't really know how to react when she starts her "pipe dreaming." – Steve

Dear Steve,
Don't bring her down! Let her have her pipe dream. If she wants to actually work on fulfilling it, she will. If not, it’s okay for someone to simply have a dream and to talk about when stoned. Just keep telling her that you support her in whatever she decides to do. Let yourself dream with her. Maybe you have a dream that you know may never come true that you’d like to share with her? Dreaming is good. It's an exercise in achieving self-fulfillment.

Dear Hyapatia,
My man and I are a great match because we’re both very sexual. I’ve heard that as we grow older, our sex drives will decrease. I hope not; I really enjoy my sex drive! Is this true and if so, what can I do to postpone it? – Courtney

Dear Courtney
I'm not convinced that this is actually true. As we grow older, our hormone levels change – that much is a fact. It doesn't matter if you’re male or female; these hormone changes will affect many things and sexual desire can be one of them.  But I think sex is more than just a physical act though. Making love is an emotional event. If you love your partner and still desire closeness, your sexual desire will remain strong. As an older woman who is currently single, I still find I have a strong sexual desire. I don't think it’s a given by any means that your sex drive will fade with age.


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