Stoner Sex: S & M, Pipe Dreams, Dry Times, & Size

Dear Hyapatia,
I like S & M. My boyfriend likes it, too, but he’s not as serious as I’d like him to be. He says he’s afraid to hurt me, but I like pain. How can I make him relax and trust me to take our sex to a new level? If I were the dominant one, I could understand his hesitancy a bit better, but since I am on the “bottom,” I don't get it.

Dear Sharon,
One way to make both partners feel comfortable is a safe word. If he knows you’ll say the safe word if it gets too intense, he’ll feel comfortable to go further without fear of hurting you. Has he ever tried being the submissive? Sometimes, people who are uncomfortable with one role can become more comfortable by reversing roles. This gives him a chance to see how the submissive can feel in control, even though they’re not the dominant one. It’s called “bottoming from the top.”

Dear Hyapatia,
My old man won't grow up. He’s in his late thirties and he plays guitar. He still thinks that, one of these days, he’s going to be a famous guitar player in a big, famous band that tours the world. It’s a nice pipe dream. I like to dream big, too, but after all this time, at this age, I thought he’d realize that maybe it just isn't going to happen. It might be different if we lived in New York, or LA, or even Nashville, but we don't. We’re in a small, nowhere place and people just don't get discovered in places like this. I don't want to bring him down with reality, but I think it’s time he started planning on a life that doesn't include playing in stadiums. I’m tired of him putting everything off because he might make it big. It’s no way to live. How can I make him wake up and smell the coffee?

Dear Jen,
It’s really hard to make someone else see that their dream may be out of reach, even if it’s obvious they'd have better chances playing the lottery. If you tell him he won't make it big, that he’s too old and should forget about it, he’ll blame you for his failure. He’ll always think in the back of his mind that if he’d just kept trying a little longer and kept his dream alive, he might have made it. Even if he keeps at it and never makes it, people often blame others for their inability to fulfill their life dream. You might remind him of what John Lennon wrote: “Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans.” You can help keep his dream alive, yet prepare for a different future by saying, "Just in case you haven't made it by then,” or “If you aren't on the road by then, what should we plan for?" Maybe he’ll start to see that the future could be different from the one and only future he’s preparing for.

Dear Hyapatia,
My girlfriend is a bitch if she doesn't have something to smoke. If she can't be high all the time, she’s really hard to live with. I don't have the ability to keep her supplied the way she needs to be in order to keep her cool. Weed is illegal here, so it’s not always around – even if you do have the money. And when it is around, there is never enough money.  We’re going to run out now and then and I really hate that – not because I can't get high, but because she will be so hard to get along with. Isn't there something else that can calm her down like weed?

Dear Chris,
Nothing is going to help like weed can. Valerian root in capsule form, because it smells bad, can help calm people down and make them sleepy, but it’s nothing like weed. I suggest you put some weed back in a safe, hiding place when you restock. Then when it’s all gone, you can pull out your secret stash and be a hero. Hopefully, it will be enough to get you through the dry spell. We all tend to go slower on the smoke when we know it’s almost gone. Maybe this way, your weed will last longer. Another trick is to weigh out a certain amount each day and don't smoke any more than that. Other than, tell her to exercise. Endorphins can provide a nice buzz. The fact is though, it's up to her to deal with her mood. If she's being a bitch toward you because she can't get high, then she's being selfish. We've all had to deal with dry times. It's up to her to find something to keep her free time occupied.

Dear Hyapatia,
My boyfriend and I just got married. I thought he was old-fashioned when he said he wanted to wait till our wedding night to have sex. Now I think I know why. I’ve never been one of those girls who said size matters, but my husband has the smallest dick I have ever seen! I swear, it can't be over 3 inches long. Like I said, I’ve never requested a big cock, but his is so small I have a really hard time coming before he does. He doesn't last long, probably because he has been too shy to have much sex. What can I do? I love him very much, but I feel stuck in a marriage that may never satisfy me sexually.

Dear Frustrated,
Since you’re both new to each other, you can chart your own course to make things work for both of you. Don't give up. Work – and play – together There are several things you can do. First of all, you can play with yourself while having sex; that helps a lot of women. He can try a pump, they really work at making a guy’s cock bigger. (My second ex used one frequently – his choice.) Different positions can help, like doggy-style. To help with his stamina, try smoking a sativa before sex. Many guys actually enjoy using a dildo on their ladies. However, I wouldn't suggest that yet. Maybe it’s something for the future. If he’s insecure, help him get over that.

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