Stoner Sex: Sperm Count, Slippery Sheets, ED & Anti-Pot Sentiments


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Dear Hyapatia,
My boyfriend and I smoke pot every day and love to have sex when we are high. We have been thinking about having a baby, but I have heard that pot lowers the sperm count. My boyfriend doesn’t want to quit smoking pot completely, so how much can he smoke without making it impossible for me to get pregnant? — Abby 

Dear Abby,
While it may be true that pot lowers sperm count in lab tests, I just don’t see the same results in real life. Both of my husbands smoked pot everyday when I got pregnant. My friends who smoke weed regularly have never had a problem getting pregnant. If it were true that pot affects sperm to the point of making pregnancy difficult, there wouldn’t be so many kids born to dads who smoke pot all the time. It makes me wonder if this is just one more piece of propaganda put out there to discourage us from smoking weed. I can think of three men who smoke weed all day, every day, who are personally responsible for 12 pregnancies. If you have had unprotected sex for six months around the time of your ovulation and you still haven’t gotten pregnant, you might want to re-think things.

Dear Hyapatia,
My girlfriend and I have been experimenting sexually and I love it. She is really hot, and I am so glad to be in a relationship with her. Last night we got into the oil. I started out by giving her a massage, but I suppose I got a bit carried away because it got all over the sheets. Now she is pissed at me, but last night she loved it! How can I get her to relax about the sheets? I want to do that again, but I think she will say no because of the mess. — Ralph

Dear Ralph,
Get a cheap set of sheets to use for those special occasions that might get a bit messy. Don’t expect her to make the bed; do it yourself. Prepare the bedroom with candles and music after you have put the cheap sheets on the bed and lure her in with flower petals on the floor, a glass of wine or a blunt of luscious dankness. Let her know you intend to clean up and remake the bed with the good sheets when you are done, and I am sure she will relax about the mess and show you her appreciation sexually.

Dear Hyapatia,
My husband and I are getting older, and he is occasionally having problems with ED. When I was younger, I used to smoke weed and now that I have aches and pains, I am using it again. He has never really been a fan. I had heard that some men were using pot for ED and since it has fewer side effects than the drugs the doctor prescribes, I thought he should give it a try. I want everyone to know it worked like magic!  He has tried Viagra before, but this took effect much faster, there were no problems reaching orgasm and he said he felt like he was 20 again. I am so glad he is now a believer and we will never be without it. — Felicia

Dear Felicia,
I am so happy to hear how pot has helped your love life. There are many benefits to using cannabis, and as we age, it becomes more valuable. In Colorado, I have seen the number of people on prescription pain meds drop remarkably. I think Medicare should cover cannabis use for the elderly and disabled who find relief with it just as they cover the prescription drugs that cause debilitating side effects and even death. Thank you very much for sharing your story!

Dear Hyapatia,
My girlfriend and I have been together for a couple of years. All of a sudden she is anti-pot. I don’t know if someone got ahold of her at work or what happened to change her mind, but she never was like this before. In fact, I used to grow it at home, and she was always very supportive. Now, she is afraid we are going to go to jail and lose our son over it. How can I make her calm down and get things back to normal? — Michael

Dear Michael,
I am so sorry you are going through this. I went through a similar situation with my ex-husband. We were not able to work things out, but I hope you can. I don’t know how to make your girlfriend relax over the weed issue, I couldn’t get my husband to go back to the pot-smoking cool guy I fell in love with. Maybe if you lived in a state where cannabis was legal, she wouldn’t make it an issue. You could always bombard her with facts on the benefits of cannabis and the lies of propaganda against it, focusing on how much more acceptable it has become in the last decade or so. I would also point out to her that you are still the same pot-smoking man that she fell in love with. I wish you the best of luck!

Ask Hyapatia all of your questions regarding stoner sexuality. Email her at hya@hightimes.com
Last Week’s Stoner Sex: Small Breasts, Big Bushes, Talking Dirty & Submission

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