Stoner Sex: Suspicion, Jealous Cats, Bogarting & Stoking Passion

Dear Hyapatia,
I think my boyfriend is cheating on me. I’ve thought it for a while now, but last night, this guy called and said his wife was cheating on him with my boyfriend and he wanted me to know. I really think he is cheating and I would probably dump him for it, except that he has the best weed around. I can do with something less quality, but it would really suck. So I’m willing to work it out with him. I just don't know how to let him know that I know that he is cheating without him going into a big scene with denial and all. I don't think all the weed in the world is going to calm him down when I tell him.

Dear Veronica,
If he grows the best weed around, I would start studying and find out how he does it. Learn how to grow your own!  Then let him know that you’re aware of his running around. If he chooses to throw a fit and act like the victim, you can easily say good-bye without it affecting your high. Don’t be dependent on someone who cheats on you for the sake of weed.

My girlfriend has a cat that she just loves to death. It’s very protective of her and every time I’m over at her house, he stalks me. When I sit next to my lady, he starts to meow and give this low growling sound. When we start making out, it’s all out war! This cat is nuts! I told her to put it outside, but she says outside cats die much faster than inside ones because of cars and stuff. Okay, so the cat stays inside. We tried putting him in another room, but he tore the door apart at the bottom. So we’ve been going to my place. Now we’re talking about moving in, but she refuses to give up that cat. How can we make this work?
Pussy Whipped

Dear Pussy Whipped,
All cats have their idiosyncrasies. But the best way to make friends with a cat is to be alone with it. Have your girlfriend leave you for a few hours with the cat. Try to pet him and let him know you’re harmless. Little cat treats can break the ice, too. Leave some of your clothes around, too, so he knows your scent. You gotta meet that pussy halfway!

Dear Hyapatia,
At night after dinner, my lover and I like to get high. We share a blunt or two – or should I say, I would like to share a blunt or two. She has a tendency to just sit and talk and hold on to the blunt, either letting it burn out or toking on it enough to keep it going. But she doesn't pass it! I’ve told her about this before, but she’s very sensitive. She gets her feelings hurt easily. She doesn't mean to forget to pass it, it’s just that she gets high and spaces out. How can I suggest she pass it without hurting her feelings?

Dear Ian,
Try using humor. Sometimes we get away with saying things that would otherwise hurt someone's feelings if we crack a joke about it. Try: “Hey! Ever heard the phrase 'No parking on the grass'?" Or: “Hey there, Bogart. Can I have some?" There’s music out there that addresses these issues. Try singing "Don't Bogart That Joint, My Friend” or "Pass The Dutchie On The Left Hand Side.”  These are good stoner songs to nudge the holder of the blunt to pass it on.

Dear Hyapatia,
My old lady and I have been together for quite a long time. I'd like to spice things up a bit in the bedroom, but we don't want to swing, or do anything kinky.  Any suggestions?

Dear Darin,
Try going to a sexy lingerie store. Check the sizes of your wife’s clothes that she wears the most. That way you will know what size to look for. Have the sales clerk help you. Let her know what your wife looks like so she can suggest the most flattering styles. You probably know what colors your wife likes best. Don't leave the store without picking up a little something for you. Try to stay away from the G-string with the elephant nose. Choose something handsome and adult — something that you will look good in. Again, the salesladies are wonderfully helpful to men in this situation. All women like to get gifts, and a package from Victoria's Secret or the like will put her in the right mood. Lotions for massage can stoke passions. Candles are also a good addition, too. Remember, eroticism and imagination go hand-in-hand.


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