“A Grower’s Night Before Christmas” or “A Rescue from St. Nicholas”
'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the growroom
Not a plant was still standing; not a bud was in bloom.
The branches were drying, hung out in a line
In hopes that a bankroll soon would be all mine
The trimmers were ready to manicure buds;
But meanwhile did nothing but drink up my suds.
Didn’t matter to me; I still had my stash.
And in just a few weeks I’d be swimming in cash.
Then, at the front door, arose such a clatter,
I stubbed out my joint to see what was the matter.
Away down the hallway I flew like a flash,
Looked out the window and let out a gasp.
What to my wondering eyes did appear,
A drug bust in progress with ten cops in SWAT gear!
They came to the door and pounded away.
It was worse than the cops; they were all DEA!
Now I was panicked; I didn’t want blame
I yelled at the trimmers and called them by name:
"Now, Jeremy! Now, Jason! Now Pedro and Dale!
Get out of here, dudes, or you’re going to jail!
To the back porch! To the top of the wall!
Now dash away! Dash away, dash away all!"
They took off like rabbits, hightailing it fast.
I now worried greatly about saving my ass.
The cops were now breaking the door down with force.
The plants gotta go, I thought with remorse.
I ran to the fireplace to burn up my crop,
When suddenly St. Nicholas dropped down with a plop.
“Holy shit! It’s Santa!” I said with surprise.
I wondered, could St. Nick tell the cops a few lies?
Police were now swarming through the front door
And screaming at me to “Lie down on the floor!”
But Santa winked slyly and settled my head,
And soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;
He spoke not a word, and made not a sound
Just filled up his toy sacks with all of my pounds.
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose;
He sprang to his sleigh, taking all of my crop.
Regardless, I’m happy I didn’t get popped.
The cops were all pissed; the evidence was gone.
They couldn’t even bust me for having a bong!
I laughed to myself as they drove out of sight —
“That’s the best present ever on this Christmas night!”