I ripped a hole in my infinity scarf and I'm worried that I've damaged the fabric of space time.
— Katie Hannigan (@katiehannigan) February 7, 2017
I got fired as a porn star because I kept eating the pizza that was being ignored
— The Deducers (@TheDeducers) February 6, 2017
Men, PAY ME TO MAKE YOUR ONLINE DATING PROFILES YOU ARE SO BAD AT IT OMG NO PICS OF YOU DRINKING OR SHIRTLESS OR BLURRY OR WITH GIRLS/HATS
— alison becker (@thealisonbecker) February 7, 2017
I would love it if, just once, someone in a TV show or movie had a devastating breakup on a sunny day.
— Alex Baze (@bazecraze) January 13, 2017
A funny thing is a zebra who keeps asking everyone if his stripes are slimming. Not sure if zebras can talk but I would like to see it.
— Dave Hill (@mrdavehill) February 6, 2017
I hope the travel ban doesn't affect the ghosts of Christmas past, present and future from visiting Trump later this year.
— Ted Alexandro (@tedalexandro) February 4, 2017
My sister just told me she has NEVER seen drama and controversy like the stuff she's seen in her Plant Identification Facebook group
— Mara Wilson (@MaraWilson) February 7, 2017
Dear Satan, Thank you for not putting on/off switches or reboot buttons on modems!
— Steve Martin (@SteveMartinToGo) December 15, 2016