Stoner Stealth

In 2006, a marijuana-related arrest took place every 38 seconds in America. So just what’s an honest toker to do in this surveillance-heavy, security-happy post-9/11 world? The answer is right under our noses.

Story & photos by Gooey Rabinski

According to the FBI’s annual Uniform Crime Report, a record 829,625 marijuana busts were made in the United States in 2006. This doesn’t affect just big-time smugglers or major grow ops. Simply trying to maintain one’s toking freedom in Bush’s America has become increasingly difficult and intimidating even for the casual consumer.

Taking an eighth on vacation? Driving a quarter-pound across town? Stashing a pinner for a concert? It doesn’t matter: You’re still at risk. Going stealth with the help of the right products and protocols can mean the difference between stoned freedom and a very sober orange jumpsuit.

Stealth Transport

The cannabis community encompasses a variety of lifestyles and preferences, but we all have one thing in common: the need to transport our herb. Now there’s a variety of products available that can help you move your stash while significantly reducing chance of detection.

Tightpac containers employ a vacuum-seal mechanism to odorproof and waterproof your herb. (They’re even perfect for continuing to cure your bud while concealing it from view.)

Stealth safes are great for driving herb across town or across the country. A wide variety of brand-name products, from soda bottles to upholstery cleaners, have been officially licensed for stealth safes (which are marketed as a way to hide jewelry, money and valuables).

Combinations of products can help you transport personal quantities of pot while maintaining the appearance of carrying nothing at all. Tightpac makes a line of odorproof containers called Bluntpacs and Partypacs perfect for storing nugs.

Combined with Stashitware—a line of men’s and women’s undergarments with an ample but hidden pocket—Bluntpacs and Partypacs are a stealthy method for transporting your pot on the down-low.

Stealth Communications

Using stealth transport methods and products can help you move your stash across town—or across the continent—with confidence. However, you still need a way to tell your customers that your crop is ready, or to beg your dealer for another quarter. Cell-phone text messages are the typical method, but they’re not very safe these days.

Hushmail, an Internet e-mail service, offers 2,048-bit military-grade encryption to keep your private communications private. So even though the Patriot Act allows patriots like yourself to be spied upon and electronically monitored, you can still find secure, private communications on the cheap.

“Grow your own” is easy to say but often difficult to pull off. Those living in small apartments or rented homes are often uncomfortable with, or prohibited from, making the kinds of household modifications necessary for a custom-built grow closet. So with pot prices in some metro areas exceeding $500 an ounce, what’s a pothead to do?

Modern technology and cottage-industry entrepreneurialism come to the rescue with indoor grow units—great for the busy pothead who has to answer to the Man 40 hours a week and still find time for their kids’ soccer games. Quiet, odorproof and automated, these grow boxes allow city dwellers to achieve independence from the black market and, in the long run, save themselves some major bucks.

Some of the best grow boxes on the market are sold by Homegrown Hydroponics and BC Northern Lights. Homegrown Hydroponics produces stealthy units that are built to resemble household items like computer towers or storage cabinets. BC Northern Lights, maker of the popular BloomBox and Producer hydroponic grow cabinets, offers the same discreet functionality on a larger scale.

Essential for medical users and desired by many recreational users, the ability to consume stealthily within a professional environment is easier than many think. Edibles, tinctures, and canna-capsules all allow you to consume discreetly and conveniently while on the job.

Canna-capsules are the ultimate in stealth, as they allow you to consume your alternative meds under the guise of popping pills. Go ahead and let your co-workers think you’re downing Percocet or Zoloft while you deal with pain or relieve stress naturally.

Whether it’s smoking up at a show or while hiking in your local nature reserve, discreet consumption is a must for the chronic toker. Joints are time-tested, old-school stealth-smoking aids, and they also eliminate the threat of paraphernalia charges—so when in doubt, roll one up.

However, a decent alternative is the Monkey Pipe. You can stay one step ahead of authorities with this small wooden pipe, which employs a unique pivot action that allows it to be pulled out of your pocket, opened, lit, toked, closed and reinserted into said pocket in record time—and with no spilled ash or wasted herb.