By: Clyde Jones
Hey, whatsup y’all. Been passing out with CNN on a lot lately, and I've noticed that shit seems pretty farked up over in Iraq. Also heard like, most of the Democrats have the same ideas for what to do about it as Bush does. Which got me thinking. I got ideas coming out the ass, especially when I toke on the ganja, which is pretty much all the time. So I came up with this list of presents we can all give to Iraq for Christmas.
1. Air Conditioners – doesn’t this make hella sense? Like, it’s hot as hell over there. And there are sandstorms and shit. I don’t know about you, but if I was living in some 135 degree heat with sand going down my clothes and butt-cheeks all the time, I’d want to blow myself up too. Air conditioners! I’m telling you, they make life worth living.
2. Marijuana (Kind Bud) – I believe it was Lincoln who said Americans should have a ‘turkey in every pot.’ Well, I think Iraqis should have 'pot in every house.' Weed. It’s calming. I don’t know about you, but personally, if it wasn’t for the soothing cannabis plant, I would'nt be able to function like a sane human being either. So we should definitely send the Iraqis some weed. But not just any weed. We need to make sure they get tons and tons of the good stuff. That's right. I’m talking kind bud. Cause shitty weed just pisses you off. Things're so messed up in Iraq, only the strongest Mary Jane will work. Seriously. It clears your head out and puts you at peace with the world. If you’ve never smoked weed before, just trust me on this, kind bud for Iraq. It’ll work.
3. Pizza Hut – another problem they got over there is people are starving. I think. I mean, I’m pretty sure they got food problems. They live in the desert? They’re starving. And starving people tend to get pissed off easy. I should know, it happens to me all the time. And there’s only one thing that saves me when I’m starving and pissed. Pizza Hut! All we have to do is install about 200 Pizza Huts all over Iraq, and in the future, instead of attacking a UN food convoy, all Iraqis will have to do is pick up the phone and order a ‘Meat Lovers’ pizza!
4. Xbox 360’s – but as awesome as it would be for Iraqis to get high off some killer kind bud and eat some Pizza Hut, it would suck if they then had nothing to do. No entertainment. That wouldn’t be good. We'd end up with wicked high Iraqis blowing themselves up just looking for some fun. So that's another big problem for Iraq. But hey, this new Xbox 360 game system looks sweet as hell. I say, give every Iraqi an Xbox 360, and they’ll be too busy blowing shit up (virtually) to blow shit up in the real world.
5. Controller Port/Extra Controllers – however, as fun as the Xbox 360 is, it sucks if you only have one controller. Because then only one person can play! So, we need to teach Iraqis to share. Otherwise, the shortage of Xbox 360’s and their controllers could lead to anger, tramplings, decapitations, or worse. So, I think, as long as we’re giving Iraqis Xboxes, we should give them extra controllers and controller ports, so all the Imams can play and no one will have to get pissed off. We should also make sure to resupply them new controllers as they wear out. We don't want Iraqis having to argue over who has to use the shitty controller.
6. Madden 2006 – and as long as Iraqis are going to be playing Xbox 360, I think they should all be given America’s favorite sport in videogame form, Madden 2006. The NFL! It’s great! You can take out all your anger out on opposing teams. I guarantee this much: Give a 16-year-old Sunni the choice between killing himself and spending his life playing videogame football, and he’ll make the right choice every time.
7. Marsh Mellows – Ok. Um, I kind of had trouble getting all the way to ten, but I also do think Marsh Mellows could do some good in Iraq. Think about it. They’re soft. White. Just like Americans! Iraqis could deal with their anger with Americans by eating Marsh Mellows. Or they could roast us on an open fire! And let us melt in their mouth with some Graham crackers and chocolate. In any case, it would make a good desert for them, after all, let’s not forget, they’re all stoned our of their minds bro.
8. Budweiser – the king of beers would add a touch of class to Iraq. I know they’re not supposed to drink, cause they’re all Muslim, but, c’mon. Maybe that’s part of the problem. They need to loosen up some, and I say we loosen'em. Just send some American fraternity brothers over there, and supply them with an endless amount of Budweiser. They'll peer pressure those Iraqis into taking beer bongs and keg-stands, and before you know it Iraqis will be a bunch of happy go lucky party people. You get drunk, you loosen up, it's awesome. It makes me want to sing.
9. Acoustic Guitars – which brings me to my next idea. How about we send Iraq a whole bunch of guitars, and like, teach them how to play Beatles songs? Then, not only would they be stoned, drunk, well-fed, and well-entertained, they’d also be singing happy songs of love and peace! Imagine.
10. Whores – The final piece of the happiness puzzle. Add a good group of whores to the lineup of pleasures I’ve laid out, and you’ll see those suicide bombings drop pretty damn fast. Who needs 70 virgins in Heaven when you’ve already got 4 slutty wenches in the room just raring to go?
So there it is. My ideas for bringing peace to Iraq by Christmas. Mail this list to your Congressman or Senator, and let’s get this shit solved and bring the troops home already. Cause seriously, my best bud Nick is over there, and he says it sucks so much it’s ri-goddamn-diculous.
This opinion column submitted by Clyde Jones