The following is an editorial written by HIGH TIMES contributor, Mike Hughes. It does not necessarily reflect the opinions of HIGH TIMES magazine. Please use the comment board for all scathing or derisive remarks addressed to him.
 
By Mike Hughes
 
Good Lord. Did anyone see that debate last night? It was full of fun facts. Apparently we’d have a better system for providing chemotherapy to cancer patients and reattaching severed ring fingers if only we would, at long last, beef up our middle school Phys Ed programs.
 
Also, someone named Joe Plumber took a central role in a debate over domestic policy. Who the fuck’s Joe? And what’s he got to do with it? My plumber’s name is Mitch and he thinks Dave Mustaine from Megadeth is running against Criss Angel for the President of Awesome.
 
John McCain frightens me. And I don’t mean that in the regular he-probably-masturbates-while-listening-to-The-Beach-Boys-and-fantasizing-about-disembowling-Hugo-Chavez-and-Mahmoud-Ahmadinejad-in-a-two-on-one-steel-cage-death-match.
 
And it has nothing to do with my intuition that his wife secretly sustains herself on the blood of puppies and only emerges in public under cover of darkness.
 
No. Well, I mean, I do mean all that. But he frightens and disturbs me on so many different levels all at the same time that by the end of the debate last night at 10:30 I was rocking back and forth in my bathtub scrubbing myself with a Brillo pad… Can’t…get…clean…
 
There’s just no logical way to deal with the horror…the very realistic, terrifying possibility that John McCain could be our next Commander-in-Chief.
 
Now, I don’t want to unnecessarily alarm anyone but the odds of McCain living through two terms in the White House are not great. If he doesn’t, we’re screwed. If he does, well, we’re also screwed.
 
What do I mean by that?
 
I mean that if McCain somehow maintains the helm for eight years the country will be no more. It will cease to be. It’ll kick the bucket, it’ll shuffle off its mortal coil, run down the curtain and join the bleeding choir invisible.
 
It will be an ex-country!
 
(Yeah, I stole that from Monty Python)
 
And should he expire in the midst of a term, we wouldn’t last a week and a half under Palin. She’d sell off the land via eBay state by “lower 48” state in exchange for some crude oil, his and hers matching moose hide boots and an Applebee’s gift card.
 
But back to McCain as this column cannot afford me the space necessary to deal with the absurd combination of arrogance and incompetence that is Sarah Palin.
 
Come on. The guy’s 72. Seventy-friggen-two! My granddad is 72 but the only nomination that came his way was for most-likely-to-burn-himself-with-soup. We had to take away his library card because he kept building book forts and declaring war on the Dewey Decimal System.
 
Age aside, the guy’s unstable, angry and stubborn (McCain, not my granddad. Well, OK, my granddad also).
 
This brings me to my point. What can you do to prevent the destruction of what has been (until roughly 2003) a pretty terrific country?
 
Are you undecided? Shoot yourself. There’s no excuse for it anymore – that hasn’t been a legitimate position since the primaries ended in June. When are you planning on making up your mind? You’ve got three weeks, slugger. Pick a friggen side – they couldn’t be more disparate. In fact, this year, to simplify it all for you undecided folk, the candidates even come in easy to distinguish black and white colors.
 
Enamored with a third party candidate? This column is addressed specifically to you. Please, for the love of God, stop kidding yourself. (Bear with me…)
 
Look, I’m all for third party candidates playing a larger role in what has become an all encompassing two party system. I think that viable third party/independent candidates should be allowed to debate and should enjoy all the benefits afforded to the greedy and entitled major parties. But that acceptance and equality did not occur this year and you’ve got to know when you’re beat.
 
If you don’t know, allow me to tell you: You are beat. The country is either going to elect John McCain or Barack Obama. Now, you can either be a part of that decision or a complete nonentity. It’s your choice.
 
I’m sorry if that was hard for you to read. Here’s an exercise. Go get a magic marker and some toilet paper. Now, write down your three favorite things about Ron Paul or Ralph Nader or Pakelika or Bobby Black or whomever you support. Got it written down? Good. Now drop it in the toilet and flush. It’s not going to happen in the next four years. I can’t take the pain away but hopefully that gives you some closure.
 
Hey, I understand that this is a bitter pill to swallow for some of you Internet whackos independents. I’m not saying that Ron Paul or Ralph Nader or Pakalika is without merit (well, actually, yes, I am saying Pakelika is without merit), I’m just saying they don’t have a chance. However, you have a chance to help save a country teetering on the edge of unmitigated disaster.
 
It’s generous, kind, safe, inoffensive and politically correct to say, “Just vote.” Unfortunately, with all that’s at stake this year, the harsher message is the necessary one: Just don’t vote stupid.
 
So, please, if you were planning on voting for a third party candidate or writing in your dog Mr. Snuggles or your roommate Steve or using the ballot to wipe your ass, reconsider. Just vote for Obama. You don’t have to tell anyone. It’ll be our secret. Just vote for Barack and then go on maintaining your air of defiance or apathy. None of your friends will know the difference until they all have jobs, healthcare, tax breaks and live in peace and prosperity.
 
It might hurt for a minute or two but if the other guy wins, you could be feeling the pain for the rest of your life.