Much like when making a trip to the grocery store, I should’ve never, ever started perusing eBay’s infinite mall while stoned. For some reason, marijuana provides the perfect catalyst for my impromptu impulse buying, especially when it comes to anything marked “retro.” And so, straying from my typical tales of stoner instances past—narc-ishly close calls and random partyfowl bedfellows—I decided to turn this month’s column into a confessional. Because when you have something festering under your skin, making you do stupid things such as spending all your rent money on an original set of coffee-cup-stained, ’70s Pac Man placemats or a cracked Rocky and Bullwinkle snowglobe complete with wind-up theme song, you must talk about it—if only to acknowledge that yes, you do have a serious problem. That’s the first step towards recovery—or at least that’s what my fellow members of eBay Anonymous tell me.

Everything you ever had (or wanted) when you were little, you can have again—all for a small price that turns into a massive bidding war. Like the advertising claims, “whatever IT is, you can find it here”—and for me, IT usually consists of brightly colored platform boots that are way too expensive to buy brand-new, old ’80s games like Perfection and Simon, and collectible KISS dolls that never made it to this side of the Atlantic (increasing my shipping costs tenfold). My house now resembles what I’d imagine Milton Bradley’s place looks like. After noticing the debt-like patterns in my bill paying, I realized that I had to desperately whittle my bidding down to only one win a week. But that still didn’t curb my incessant need to place underpriced bids on multiple items while crossing my toes that I wouldn’t win, all so I can finally try to pay my phone bill for the month.