Sometimes, the most obvious things can be in front of your face, but never come to fruition – like names of marijuana breeds. Here are 10 strains of weed that don’t yet exist, but may not be too far off in the future — as dreamed up by our newest correspondent, Big O.
1. The Happening
As in the M. Night Shyamalan movie, The Happening (a.k.a. Killer Trees). This strain would be known to destroy once-promising careers by making you lazy yet too imaginative and a comic book over-thinker, all while giving you a false sense of brilliance. So inhale at your own risk.
2. Godfather Bob Marley
Does this really need an explanation? Get on it, fam.
3. Kardashian Bush Kush
The preferred strain amongst hip-hop artists, professional athletes, and THOTs. It would have you feeling WAY more important than you really are and have you doing anything for attention. Warning: Strain is so strong that only crack cocaine can give you a stronger high. See: Khloe & Lamar. Smell me?
4. The Drake
It would look and smell potent, but by today’s standards would be nothing more than a mediocre strain. Maybe a bigger deal in the mid-to-late-’90s, newbie smokers would swear by it… but you know it wouldn’t hold a candle to any OG strains. This weed is capable of bringing out your inner George Costanza grump while screaming, “I HATE the Drake!”
5. Blue Berry Jerry
Like Bob Marley, this legendary stoner musician deserves to have a strain named for him that’s so potent, you’ll see sounds in colors and colors in melodies. The strain of choice amongst graffiti artists and teachers of Art, Music, and Global Studies.
6. The B’s Knees
Like herbal ginseng, this weed would give you a shot of adrenaline and have you dancing the night away like you just broke up with your man and are looking for his replacement.
7. The Poehler Vortex
A strain that’ll have you in the zone, give you the constant giggles, and provide you with that warm and fuzzy feeling inside. The perfect strain to help you get live on those long-awaited Saturday nights. R.I.P Parks & Recreation. You will be missed.
8. The Shogun Glow
A strain in the same vein as Northern Lights, The Shogun Glow is Sho’nuff to have you feeling like the prettiest, meanest, and baddest mofo low-down around your town. Just remember that you’re really not, or else you’ll end up with some Girl Scout Cookies for eyes (I’m talking about black eyes, people! Ebonics!)
9. Hipster Hashish
Hash that would be exclusively sold in Williamsburg, Brooklyn on a stoop next to an organic wheatgrass bar. Once you hit this, you won’t shave for days to months; life would be one big sarcastic joke, and you and your crew will be sporting the Wyatt Family look by the end of the year.
10. Brooklyn Bullshit
I mean, come on, Biggie said it but we never did anything with it. Is it not time for the most thorough of boroughs to have a signature strain dedicated to its signature artist? And if the name makes the strain sound weak, let’s just go with Biggie Buddha. It’ll make you groove and spread love the Brooklyn way.