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50 Shades of Green, A Parody

Mary Jane Gibson

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Love it or hate it, 50 Shades of Grey has taken the world by storm. The movie based on E.L. James’ book opened to rotten reviews, and still raked in more money on President’s Day weekend than any other movie in history.

Moviegoers flocking to see 50 Shades of Grey and marijuana aficionados have some things in common. Both groups of people enjoy partaking in an activity that is seen by some as unconventional (and to some uptight weirdos, unsavory). Both groups would like to see themselves represented in pop culture, and onscreen, as more than dumb stereotypes. And most people—in both groups—are responsible adults who want to freely engage in something that brings them pleasure, without the stigma that accompanies BDSM and/ or pot smoking. Legitimize a lifestyle that consenting adults should be able to enjoy without scorn or repercussion. Read on for a pot-friendly parody of 50 Shades of Grey!

50 Shades of Green

Mary Jane "MJ" Greene is a sassy 22-year old photo-documentarian who's wintering at a ski slope in Breckenridge, CO. While there to make a film about the snowboarding community, she gets lucky scoring a part-time gig as a budtender at a dispensary.

MJ’s best friend, Sara “Sweets” Budlover, writes for the local cannabis-friendly alternative weekly. After she’s involved in a snowboarding mishap, Sweets persuades MJ to fill in for her to interview Rocky Diamond, a young, successful and wealthy cannabusiness owner in Denver. MJ is instantly attracted to Rocky, even though he’s not her type: He’s clean-cut, wearing a button-down with a blazer and tie—but there’s something compelling about him, even if he seems like kind of a douche-bro.

In any case, MJ stumbles through the interview, and makes haste to get out of there for a 4:20 hotbox in her Honda Element. She knows the interview went badly, but doesn’t give it another thought because, even though she’s young and unsure of herself, she’s got some great weed, being a resident of Colorado, and plenty of friends to share it with.

However, the very next day, Rocky appears at the dispensary while MJ’s working. He purchases some top-shelf weed, and (weirdly, MJ thinks) a cannabis-infused sex lubricant—but she still asks, “Can I get some photos of you to go with that article?” Rocky says yes. MJ feels a shiver… which she attributes to the amazing topical she just smoothed onto her winter-chapped skin and aching joints.

MJ arranges to meet Rocky at a "bud and breakfast" so they can blaze during the shoot; however, the ruggedly, devastatingly handsome Rocky declines to smoke, telling her instead, “I’ve been dreaming of having sex with you.” MJ is somewhat taken aback, but she’s feeling pretty mellow, so even though the forceful Rocky tells MJ she’ll have to “fill out some paperwork,” before they make out, MJ kisses him smokily, and a little breathlessly. They then sink into the bearskin rug in front of the fire and roll around, forgetting themselves because they are beautiful and free: Sexpots!

Next day, the pair goes snowboarding, dropping out onto sweet powder from Rocky’s private chopper.

The ride down is incredible. After a hot chocolate at the chalet, Rocky whisks MJ off to his ski lodge. When he gets her there, he insists that she sign a non-disclosure agreement that forbids her to discuss anything that they do together. Believing he’s paranoid (but oh, man, is he hot!) MJ signs it. Rocky then takes her to his “playroom,” which is full of BDSM toys. He tells her he’s into role-playing, and that their relationship will never be romantic, and “only a sexual one.” MJ’s inner goddess inwardly rolls her eyes, but she thinks Rocky Diamond is cute, so MJ sparks up a doobie, and invites him to go to bed with her.

Lying back on sumptuous hemp sheets in the master bedroom, MJ passes Rocky the joint. He hesitatingly takes a lungful, and immediately suffers a massive coughing fit. And then… he is surprised to find himself feeling tender, sweet—and best of all, willing to relinquish control. As he feeds MJ a chocolate-dipped strawberry, while she murmurs, “I read about a great recipe for these,” Rocky feels his center go pleasantly gooey. Even the music sounds better. “What did we just smoke?” he asks. MJ is seized with a thought. She turns slowly to Rocky and says, “Have you ever been high?”

Rocky shamefacedly admits that he’s never gotten stoned, and that he’s only involved in the cannabis world to make money. Cold, hard, cash. Rocky was an advertising exec on Wall Street who saw that there was a business opportunity in the industry. MJ kisses him sweetly, and gently chides him. Then she makes a pact with him: She will initiate him into the world of getting high and having amazing stoned sex if he promises to indulge all of her kinks, which just happen to include getting tied up, spanked, blindfolded and dominated. Now that’s the luckiest guy in the world.

*The End*

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