You know what time of year it is. When the holiday ads and music start coming around, the panic begins. Yes, you are probably about to spend a lot of time at holiday parties with your family. And it’s going to be intense.
Being stoned in public, especially around your family, is an art. But we believe in you, you can do this.
Here are 6 tips for surviving your family holiday party stoned.
1 – Keep Your Eye On The Prize
There are countless, literally endless reasons to get stoned during holiday gatherings. Sure, getting blazed will enable you to tune out your mom while she panics over gravy and will help you muster up a chuckle when your racist uncle makes THAT joke, but remember the true meaning of this gathering. Food. All the food. When your first plate is finished, focus on the second plate. Cut the line and make sure you get your preferred white or dark meat, a sweet Hawaiian roll and whatever else you fancy to make your plate one big brown pile of delicious. You earned it.
2 – Bring Extra
This is a no brainer. There is nothing, actually nothing, worse then going from being stoned to that post-stoned haze of blah. You’ve got a long night ahead of you, so best stay high. Pending on how chill your family is, roll a couple of spare joints and excuse yourself whenever you can. If the fam is a bit more up your ass, like mine would be, grind up a some truly excellent sativa and pack your one hitter. They won’t miss you for those five blissful minutes.
3 – Identify Your Allies
Ally: Family member and/or family friend who will be at said holiday party and is down to get stoned. Ally can also mean the family member who will drink the most and not judge you for your choices. If you are like me and aren’t super close to your extended family, this might take years to figure out. Time has been kind to me, and allies have come out of the woodwork. One glass of wine too many, and you find out which cousin has a blunt in his car. A few whiskeys deep, and suddenly that neighbor who is always over wants to “take a walk around the block” with you. These people are invaluable to your survival of the evening. Find them, and keep them near.
4 – Go Easy On The Booze
It’s going to be a long night. The last thing you or anyone else needs is to roll into your aunt’s Thanksgiving dinner higher than hell, and immediately get weird because you drank too much wine. Make a choice early on. Want to blaze all evening? Commit to it! Dabble with a light cocktail, but don’t blow it in front of the entire family and your sister’s new boyfriend. She will never forgive you.
5 – Hang Out With The Kids
No one wants to sit at the kids table—not even the kids. Be the hero today. You might be the only person lucky enough to be at this party stoned, so take one for the team. Sit at the kids table. Listen to your eight-year-old cousin’s long ass story about what she brought to show-and-tell last week. Make scary faces at the toddlers and make them laugh/cry. Tell them whatever story or anecdote your high ass is thinking. I’m sure they will think you are hilarious.
6 – Prepare Responses Ahead Of Time
Ah, my least favorite part about the holidays—getting the third degree from every aunt, uncle and second cousin alike. It’s the worst. They don’t actually care, you don’t care, no one cares. Be ready for exhaustive lines of questioning, rather than just staring at them with vacant eyes when they ask, “How’s work? Are you still dating Johnny? Are you getting worried that you’re becoming too old to have children? Why do you have that tattoo?” As a stoner, I know I’m not my sharpest self when I’m a couple of joints deep. Prepare for this, have some stock one-liners ready to get them off your scent. Bye, Aunt Dorothy.
BONUS! If you are one of those lucky few whose family has no idea what to do or what to say to each other, then this is your night, your time to shine. You are at an endless buffet of delicious food and booze where no one is going to speak to you all night. Post up next to the charcuterie, and ignore the previous tip of going easy on the booze. Enjoy hours of cured meat and whiskey you can’t afford, before your mom drives you home to watch Hallmark movies in silence. You win.
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