7 Reasons to Hire a Stoner

There is a severely hypocritical discrepancy in place currently for those who use marijuana trying to get jobs. Companies skip over applicants with a record for marijuana like they are lepers without even considering them for jobs. So today we are going to break it down for employers. Here lies the ultimate explanation of why job applicants who smoke the herb are no worse, albeit probably sometimes better than a normal applicant who, say, has a few drinks here and there. Consider the following hypothetical applicants:

Applicant One: Columbia grad, marijuana lover (i.e. Marijuana)
Applicant Two: Texas A&M grad, Sigma Alpha Epsilon frat alumni (i.e. Alcohol)

Typical Friday Night Plans:

Marijuana: Go home, smoke a bowl, and eat an entire bag of Tostitos while watching the Discovery Channel

Alcohol: Go to a bar, drink until I black out, and go home wearing my pants on my head:

Frequent hangout spots:

Marijuana: The hydroponics store followed by Taco Bell:

Alcohol: The 13th Step followed by Bubba’s Sulky Lounge:

I once got arrested for:

Marijuana: …using what I learned in my plant biology class to grow a massive amount of ganja in my basement:

Alcohol: …inappropriately groping a lady-cop

I frequently mistake _______ for _______:

Marijuana: The drive-thru attendant at In-N-Out for my friend

Alcohol: My neighbors’ lawn for a bathroom:

My math skills are generally put to use while:

Marijuana: Converting ounces to grams and translating how much that should cost in dollars

Alcohol: Trying to determine if a .12 BAC is above or below the legal driving limit

My toilet is used for the following:

Marijuana: Flushing my stash when the cops come to bust me for possession

Alcohol: The “Boot & Rally”

The worst thing I’ve ever done after smoking/drinking is:

Marijuana: I plead the Fifth

Alcohol: I drank a fifth and don’t remember