Are We Too Stoned To See an Impending Alien Invasion?

It was March 1998, and I was driving northbound on Highway 41 just south of Princeton, Indiana when three bright white, yellowish orbs appeared in the distance above a nearby cornfield. The abrupt nature of such an unexpected sight terrified all who witnessed it. I know this because tires were screeching all around me, as vehicles in both lanes slammed on their brakes, much like I did, as soon as they saw the lights. Every motorist, I presume, gripped their steering wheels in a wild-eyed panic while skidding all over the road trying to avoid crashing into the vehicle in front of them. By the time the boisterous brouhaha had finally subsided, the orbs were hovering directly in front of us in a triangular formation. We now had bigger problems.

What was strange, aside from the obvious, is that these things didn’t appear to fly into the area – not like you might see with an Earth-born aircraft. They just sort of materialized there in the night sky, like they had transported from God knows where to that precise spot in the world. It was eerie, man. One second, everything on that stretch of road was moving along just like any other day and then Boom! Me and a bunch of hicks were suddenly in an episode of The Twilight Zone. It’s not every day that mysterious orbs show up in Podunk, so there were plenty of questions. For starters, what the heck were these things and where did they come from? I had a few guesses.

Sitting there, I began to consider that they may have been part of a brand-spanking new nuclear kill machine being tested by the United States government. “Go ahead and try that mutha out over Southern Indiana, boys. Nobody’s going to miss a few rednecks.” Perhaps, too, I contemplated intently, it was a rogue spy satellite that slipped down into plain sight. Yeah, or maybe it was the second coming, the rapture, and all of us out there on the highway cussing up a storm trying not to do anything to sabotage our car insurance rates were going to be the first of the heathens dragged to hell. I didn’t hear any trumpets. I did, however, see a woman praying her ass off from the passenger seat of a Toyota Camry. “Better safe than sorry,” I thought. It finally occurred to me that, more likely than not, what we were witnessing was alien spacecraft from another freaking planet. As unbelievable as that might sound, what else could it be?

Then, just as I was about to get out of the car to take a better look, the craft, seemingly poking fun at the melee on the road beneath them, got a case of the zoomies. What the fu… I had never seen anything move like that in my life. The orbs whipped around the sky, this way and that, all erratic and at a speed that I can’t even begin to articulate. They were fast and effortless, as if space ninjas from unfathomable depths geeked out of their minds on stardust and amphetamines. They were floating all steady and stationery one second, not budging a stinking inch, the next, they were zigzagging all over the place – up, down, forward, backward, sideways, and then up and down again – in perfect symphonic unison, like a flock of horny hummingbirds. Nothing you can possibly imagine moves with such precision. And I mean nothing.

I sat there in awe of whatever they were, mind totally blown, watching what I presumed to be extraterrestrials zipping around the sticks searching for some poor, unsuspecting farmer to probe. At least I hoped they were looking for a farmer. I sure as hell didn’t want to be the recipient of a cosmic colonic. No way, Jose. I didn’t need authorities finding me a week later naked in the woods with a sore asshole, scratching a bunch of prime numbers into a maple tree. I had enough problems. Fortunately, the UFO didn’t stick around long enough to introduce us to interplanetary proctology. For that, I was thankful. Just like they were being catapulted into another dimension, the orbs abruptly shot out of the area like a bat out of hell. All that remained, as far as I could see, was a smudge of light that burned into the sky for miles.

The orbs were long gone, hauling interstellar ass to their next destination. I knew, at that moment, everything I had ever been taught about human existence was a big ol’ dirty sham. Aliens were real, and we were not alone. Considering that hundreds of UFO sightings were reported in the area that week, many others, just like me, were also left in a quizzical state of what the fuck. About a month later, the sighting was mentioned on local television station WTVW Fox 7 News, but the verdict left a lot to be desired. After contacting officials with NORAD, the FAA and various other agencies nobody had any answers. As far as the watchers could tell, nothing was supposed to be in the sky that night. It wasn’t a plane, and it wasn’t a military exercise. 

But was it aliens?

Fast forward twenty-five years, and UFO sightings or “UAP” (unidentified aerial phenomena), as they are referred to by the U.S. military, are as frequent as an old man’s bladder and well documented too. Although people who reported UFOs were once considered whack jobs and conspiracy theorists, most people know by now exactly what I’m talking about when I mention the triangle formation that I saw in ’98. They’ve either witnessed it for themselves or seen footage through the many documentaries that have been made about this phenomenon. “I saw that same thing a couple of years ago,” Jason, a 34-year-old from San Diego, California, told High Times. “They hovered above the ocean for a while and left streaks of light when they moved.”

Chances are, you’ve seen a UFO too.

The Office of the Director of National Intelligence admits the federal government has received over 500 new reports of UFOs since March of 2021. This in addition to the 140 sightings that still has the Pentagon baffled to beat the band. Some of the reports, as we have come to expect, have been debunked – found to be drones or trash – while others remain a mystery. Roughly 350 cannot be explained, and hundreds more will likely be added to the list before the end of the year. 

There’s a UFO spotted almost every day in the United States and whatever weird, beady-eyed bastards are in the driver’s seat, whisking around the globe and always thwarting capture, are none too shy about making their presence known. What’s peculiar about that, even oddly curious, is these sightings are increasing in frequency with each passing year. Some say it’s a sign that the world is on the verge of collapse. Others think aliens, if that’s what we’re seeing, are just inquisitive. I, on the other hand, suspect the heavy UFO presence has something to do with weed. 

After all, the uptick in UFO sightings seems to have picked up momentum right around the time the U.S. started legalizing marijuana for adults 21 and over. Perhaps aliens caught a whiff of weed during one of their missions and now, after decades of being somewhat aloof, they’re looking to party. Hell, it’s easy to see how we’ve piqued their interest. Drive through any legal state and the odor of marijuana is king. Weed is the unofficial state smell in places like California, New York, and even Illinois. Even in areas of prohibition, like Indiana, my stomping grounds, the scent of skunk wafts through the air so aggressively these days that some of us can’t even remember what the outdoors used to smell like before. Perhaps all the pot smoke drifting around has finally reached outer space, giving the extraterrestrials just enough of a contact buzz to not only show a renewed interest in our little fucked up part of the universe, but show it without fear. 

Yep, alien ships may have started habitually showing themselves all over the country simply because there’s a lot more marijuana being smoked down here than when their ancestors first started coming around. It’s possible that a recent radio signal captured by the Giant Metrewave Radio Telescope in India from nine billion light years away might hold the answers. Scientists are, of course, champing at the bit to try and decipher the message to see if it holds any secrets of the universe. They may, however, be extremely disappointed to learn that the communication is just some otherworldly being scouring the vastness of the macrocosm for a plug. “Take me to your dealer.”

Then again, maybe there’s a dark side to their arrival. Yesiree, the winds of change do, in fact, reek of weed, quite possibly enough to give our interstellar counterparts reason to believe that we, as a people, have abandoned all hope and are now resolved to just letting the good times roll until the world is pulled off life support. Watching from above, these creatures have likely stood in shock and awe seeing some of the more enthusiastic stoners curled up in a ball after consuming too many edibles, begging for someone to call 911. They’ve also almost assuredly witnessed, on more than one occasion, some overzealous cannabis aficionados gripping the toilet bowl after one too many dab hits. We’re a mess. How could space beings not be out there contemplating the stability of the high human race? Rest assured, if the aliens are curious about anything as it pertains to humankind, it has nothing to do with our intellect or civility. It’s how we continue to thrive, hate, and lead unrelenting oppressions against our fellow man from the drive-thru of a Taco Bell. 

But then again, maybe they’re really impressed with our ability to smoke copious amounts of weed and remain functional. Even if we are undoubtedly cut from less intelligent DNA, there’s still a good chance that we can be friends. That is unless they see this newfound stoner state of mind as an opportunity to dish out spinning anal probes of torture. Pain beyond pain. All of humanity writhing in agony. It’s payback, bitches, for what Uncle Sam and his doom legion did to their homies in Roswell back in 1947. Sure, nobody really knows the extent of the government’s fuckery back then, but people like Area-51 whistleblower Bob Lazar are of the opinion that we roughed up whatever beings were in the wreckage and got them to spill their guts for the sake of advancing our technological endeavors and taking control of the world. Without alien knowledge, it is presumed, the U.S. wouldn’t be as advanced as we are today. So, it goes without saying that their plot for revenge has been a long time coming. I suspect these beings, wherever they’re from, don’t give a good goddamn about the Geneva Convention or what is considered cruel and unusual punishment. There’ll be an orgy of ultra-violence in the streets, and no that’s not a metaphor. I hope you’re ready.

Listen, this is the reason that the uptick in UFO sightings should be rocking the nation to its core. If these elusive fuckers are technologically advanced enough to defy physics, as we understand it, and essentially transport from one location to another – maybe even through time – we can’t even begin to fathom the horrific ugliness they could potentially rain down. Oh well, let’s just get stoned. Yeah, like, don’t sweat the small stuff. It is what it is, man. We all have to die sometime. 

The population has grown so cavalier toward the concept of UFOs and aliens – many still don’t believe it’s possible they even exist – despite the fact that these impressive crafts have been witnessed countless times by military pilots, become part of controversial Congressional investigations, and even spurred NASA involvement. Hey, somebody’s driving these things! Don’t you want to know who? No, nobody cares. We’ve survived COVID, and weed is legal, and the industry has been deemed essential. We’re high as balls, so nothing about an alien invasion scares us. 

In the eyes of the American public, UFOs have lost their cachet. We’ve lost interest beyond trying to capture some footage of one to post on TikTok. Never mind that their presence on Earth could get wild enough to make us all regret the day we were born. Even folks who’ve always just assumed that strange-looking beings would eventually crawl out of one of these spastic spheres don’t seem all that worried that they might do so wielding a powerful interstellar laser-bullet doomsday device with enough dinosaur-killing fury to castrate half of Texas in one fell swoop. Jeez, what’s wrong with us? Not just with respect to our pitiful concern for alien carnage, but anything of substance, for that matter. Are we so stoned these days that we’ve allowed ourselves to become desensitized to the coming of nothingness? Are we too high to care that some green men with really long fingers could show up and turn us all into sex slaves? Or have we all bought into enough biblical bullshit in our time to find solace in the fact that no matter how we die, we’re all going to a better place? Well, farts. I’m not part of that tribe. Faith has no place where there’s a significant threat of a metagalactic colonoscopy. Perhaps instead of producing weed strong enough to mimic brain death, we should be working to grow an herb that allows us to communicate with these fuckers and get them to calm down. I, for one, want to send them a strong message: I don’t have a problem with you dudes. Oh sure, there will be those, like Cheech Marin, who think I’m just being a paranoid pothead, that if these beings wanted the hind ends of humanity on a stick, they would have stuck it in there long ago. Yet, I suspect that these creatures are playing a long game, one chock full of psychological warfare. Truth be told, despite the prevalence of UFOs today, we still don’t know anything more about them or what’s behind the wheel than we did in the beginning. And that was precisely jack squat. They could be friendly, they could be monsters. They could also be looking for love or wanting to get high. My advice, for what it is worth, is to keep a stash nearby just in case.