Watching Transformers: The Last Knight is jail for the offense of buying a ticket.
Nearly an experimental film, Michael Bay’s fifth entry in this un-killable Hasbro franchise beats the viewer into submission with lapses in basic continuity, plot coherence, character logic, and visual clarity. Strip away the Hollywood gloss and cynical marketing, and Transformers 5 is as absurd and challenging as bad David Lynch.
Stranded in Portland on a layover, I approached the prospect of sinking time into this movie with black dread. Not fucking around, I marched straight to Serra, my preferred downtown dispensary in Elliot Smith’s favorite city. Designed like a Portlandia parody, Serra boasts an anemic beige interior and a disaffected surfer-boy receptionist—all turn-offs until this shop’s superior product floods your bloodstream.
I first bought Black Buddha, a pungent indica so darkly purple it almost looks like coal. This sticky bud hit me like a semi-truck made of pillows—I spent five minutes looking for my missing phone, only to discover it in my hand.
After quickly consuming the entire gram at the crackhead-strewn waterfront, I immediately returned and purchased a second gram of Stella Blue. Burning down the racy Blue turned out to be an excellent balance to the somnolent Black, the earthy citrus of the mystery hybrid counteracting my desire to lay down in the street.
This promising THC cocktail was rendered inert once sitting in the air-conditioned theater. Transformers 5 works like waterboarding, the initial tolerance of the aggressive situation swiftly disintegrating into howling acceptance. At nearly three hours, the film is a cacophonous mixture of racial stereotypes, dick humor, and hollow spectacle.
Sometimes marijuana can shield the viewer from the chaotic aesthetics of blockbuster filmmaking, like drinking through a bad wedding. Not so here—Transformers 5 defeated me. For long stretches, I could do nothing but close my eyes, the screeching images onscreen invading my oncoming headache.
“Has my life been wasted?” a slumming Anthony Hopkins intones to his android butler. “Do you ever feel like that?”
Yes. Yes I do.
Study Finds Legal Cannabis Reduces Illicit Grows in National Forests
Someone Planted 34 Cannabis Plants in the Vermont Statehouse Flower Beds
New Bill Ensures Some Retroactive Drug War Justice for New Hampshire
Recreational Cannabis Comes to Northern Nights Music Festival
House Votes to Protect States With Legal Marijuana From Feds
Two Plead Guilty to Using United States Postal Service to Traffic Marijuana
Honoring the Legend: Jack Herer
Raid of Massive Illegal Cannabis Grow Site in California Took Four Days to Complete
News5 days ago
What Was Said at Today’s Congressional Hearing on Federal Marijuana Law Reform
Health5 days ago
The Pechoti Method: Can You Put Weed in Your Belly Button?
News6 days ago
New Subscription Service Ships Concentrates Directly to Consumers
Entertainment6 days ago
Jay-Z Announces Partnership With Top Cannabis Company Caliva
News3 days ago
Coast Guard Busts Submarine Carrying Over $500 Million Worth of Cocaine, Weed
News3 days ago
Florida Court Rules Medical Marijuana Licensing Law Unconstitutional
Health4 days ago
Cannabis and Mental Health: Schizophrenia
News5 days ago
Hawaii Officially Decriminalizes Small Quantities of Cannabis