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Cinema Stoner: Wonder Woman & Thin Mint Girl Scout Cookies Sativa

Who can resist Thin Mint Girl Scout Cookies? I can make a box disappear in twenty minutes. The same rule applies to the sativa strain bearing the same name as America’s favorite 1120-calorie snack. Once I smoked this weed, I could not stop until the eighth was just another 50 dollars evaporated into my mind. Then I went to see Wonder Woman.

The latest entry in the limping DC Cinematic Universe, the movie shows the worst traits of the continuing Warner Brothers franchise. Like the caterwauling Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice, Wonder Woman is saddled with tedious world-building and inconsistent supernatural elements. I buy that Gal Gadot plays an Amazonian princess built from clay by Zeus as a weapon to destroy the God of War. I do not buy that the power of love then allows her to levitate and shoot lazer bombs from her wrists.

It starts off well. After a solid 10-minute wall of exposition featuring immersive two-dimensional frescoes of Greek gods and heroes, Wonder Woman opens amongst the Amazonians, a group of female hermit warriors played by an incredible cast of journeywoman character actresses. With the tangy Thin Mint eighth adding a rosy glow to director Patty Jenkins’ impressive visual staging, I involuntarily pumped a fist in the air when a half-naked Robin Wright Orlando-Bloomed a volley of arrows into German soldiers storming a sun-dappled beach. Okay, I thought, this might be good.

It was not. Novice warrior Gadot soon yearns to help a stranded Chris Pine defeat the Teutonic menace of a faintly-accented Danny Huston, who spends most of the movie snorting magic cocaine that turns him into a monster. Jenkins wrings a lot out of Gadot and Pine’s easy chemistry—more brotherly than sexual—and there are some genuinely funny scenes of verbal sparring between these two impossibly pretty leads.

But the last 45 minutes of this admirably female-centric superhero flick are an interminable slog, like listening to your favorite album played at half speed. I bought premium seats for my lover and me. During a late-film monologue where Chris Pine admires the qualities of fire, we reclined the leather seats and dozed off for five minutes, the somnolent aftereffects of the Thin Mints pulling a veil over our sight.

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