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High Horoscopes | Aug. 17, 2016

Aelie Câlin

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ARIES

Akin to an edible, the intensity of your world is easily misjudged. Just when you think you have a grip on it, the next wave locks you to your chair, making you dysfunctional until you calm yourself by watching at least two episodes of Law & Order: SVU on Netflix. Well, good news has finally arrived. If you can control yourself (i.e., restrain your cookie monster tendencies), your life, along with your trips, will ease back and relax by the pool with a fruity drink. The cosmos want some chill time for your wee heart and soul, so please follow the life dosing instructions carefully. Strain recommendation: Bruce Banner

TAURUS

420 is unassailably the most important date/time for marijuana enthusiasts. It is the overall symbol for cannabis law reform and the celebration of pot.  For many, the rituals surrounding this symbol bring a spiritual connection to the plant. I recommend you follow a ritual this week, any ritual: a heightened divine contact is needed for you to see past your daily minutae to an appreciation of the things that bring you joy. Strain recommendation: Jack Herer

GEMINI

You just need a day off, maybe a cuddle on the couch, perhaps a nice CBD-heavy strain to knock you out for a good night’s sleep. Your body is crying out for a break, but you’ve been too wrapped up in all your other compartmentalized bits to remember that the body is as much you as your thoughts, emotions and spirituality are. This is the time to take the holistic challenge: recombine your segments and heal the whole with rest and comfort. Strain recommendation: Grape Krush

CANCER

This week is your own private Cannabis Cup. The various strains are suitors, showing their best qualities for your consideration. You can take your time, sampling, discussing, sampling again just to make sure… you have a whole week to deliberate. A warning however: once the week is over, the suitors will become restless and wander off to new challenges. As quickly as Cinderella’s chariot re-pumpkinized itself, so will these potential mates make themselves scarce.  Take this time seriously, you won’t be this intriguing to new lovers again for a little while—this is your High Time! Strain recommendation: All of them!

LEO

The cosmos have deemed Leos to be super humans this week. They should feed their bodies superfoods like Hemp Hearts to become supernaturally strong and yet super cute like Mighty Mouse, the world’s best super hero. They will develop unduly expensive tastes, like the supermarket Whole Foods and then win the Super Bowl of cool. Like Super Dave Osborne, not even life-threatening injury can stop them. Unbelievable, Unstoppable, Unnecessary—these are the Leos of this week. Strain recommendation: Agent Orange

VIRGO

According to lore, Virgo celebrity stoner Cameron Diaz’s high school dealer was Snoop Dogg. This would be akin learning cosmology from Dr. Hawking, or having Winnie as your personal teddy bear. When you learn from the best, you are expected to have a higher degree of appreciation and knowledge than the average punter. A valuable experience will soon be brought to you by a master, or if you are approaching 10,000 hours of practice in your field then you might be the instructor… either way, you will be involved in the exchange of important intelligence. This informational wave must flow or you will feel stuck, and the life force inside this particular bit of education will die. Strain recommendation: Medibud

LIBRA

On Jezebel.com I saw an article entitled “Token Women to Tokin’ Women” and was instantly captivated. It was a report on a Woman Grow hosted conference investigating women’s growing (ignore the pun) presence in the weed industry. Just like these awesome women, you are finding opportunities for personal growth (ignore the pun) where you have previously been underestimated. I dare you to follow their lead and push the boundaries. Claim stakes and create a new industry/lifeplan/identity with the knowledge that you will rock it. Strain recommendation: Panama Red

SCORPIO

As a teen cigarette smoker I was convinced I was a pro at inhaling weed. But for some unknown reason, I lamented to my older brother one night in our family’s basement TV room, I just don’t get high. I must have a really high tolerance, I bragged. He instructed me to take one more haul. Rolling my eyes, I obliged. He proceeded to punch me in the stomach. I gasped for air and immediately got insanely high. Up to that point, I had yet to have found anything as bizarre as the teacher/witch yelling ‘you’ll poke your eye out’ in A Christmas Story. This applies to you Scorps, because you need to switch up the way you intake life, and when it gets disconcerting, you must just sit back and enjoy the weird. Strain recommendation: Alien OG

SAGITTARIUS

The delayed reaction is the quintessential stoner giveaway. A room full of people hear surprising bit of news; a group gasp is emitted… followed shortly after by one from Jeff in the back.  This could be a weakness if you are in the cannabis closet, but if you allow it be as it is, it can become a great asset. The enforced lag can insulate the smoker from talking shit or being an unintentional jerk. Pot is an asshole muffler if used properly. I’d recommend adding a few seconds before each answer you give to properly gauge your tone and content this week. Or just smoke a ton before each meeting. Strain recommendation: $100 OG

CAPRICORN

Famed actor Ed Asner’s supports marijuana legalization, even though he doesn’t even smoke. I love stories about people who fight for a cause solely because they see an injustice they want to correct; no personal benefit could result from stepping into the struggle, but they do so unabashedly. This reminds me of you this week, boldly taking a stand for something that doesn’t affect you directly. Pick your cause wisely; your words have a great power to convince and only the most worthy should benefit from their eloquence. Strain recommendation: Y Griega

AQUARIUS

There is something of the classic roll about you. No bongs, vapes, or accessories needed; just the paper and maybe an old matchbook. Keeping it simple is key—fluffing and adorning is an old tactic that you can see right through. You can smell bullshit from a mile away lately and your employers are a little full of it. Your task is to keep your face from unintentionally speaking your truth—a slow smile and relaxed eyes will shield you from tipping off those in power as to what you really think of them. Don’t let their complex ruses adversely affect you: keep the ‘ol’ cup o’ joe /just keep truckin’ mentality going. It’ll serve you well once all of the fancy folks get their due. Strain recommendation: Maui Wowie

PISCES

Hasn’t it been the year of the coconut for about 4 years now? Ubiquitous and multifunctional; the flesh and water are delicious, the oil is a cure-all and the coir is a wonderful growing medium for marijuana. What can’t the goddamned coconut do? You too have been used in multiple ways by just about everybody lately. You switch jobs day to day, emotionally supportive to some, completely to blame for others, neither here nor there, unsure of your next move. This could be looked upon as a confusing time, or a coconut time. In the first scenario, you are victim to the winds of indecision and change around you. In the latter, you are a tropical fruit full of potential and wonder. The perspective is yours to choose. Strain recommendation:  Candyland

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