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High Horoscopes | Aug. 24, 2016

Aelie Câlin

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ARIES

Arnold Jackson was Gary Coleman’s character on Diff’rent Strokes. Arnold was a cute orphan with a big personality and a sly look in his eye. But you’re not Arnold this week… you’re Gary. Once thought of as one of Hollywood’s rising stars, he was a child actor who was forced to work long hours while his parents embezzled his money. As an adult, his misfortune continued: bad health, addiction problems, suffering an abusive relationship and an early death. However, Gary was also an avid model railroader. His most sacred of pleasures came from this simple hobby, and it likely served as a wonderful distraction from the pain in his life. How can you distract yourself now from your life’s current pain? Sometimes you need to not focus on it while your subconscious works the crap out of your system. Strain recommendation:  Gorilla Glue #4

TAURUS

On Friends, there was a character that survived the entire run of the show, but wasn’t one of the core six. His name was Gunther, and he worked at Central Perk, the café where the gang spent all their working hours. You’ve been a Gunther lately, not the star, but always there, reliable, ready with a little quip and a massive bowl of joe that is so nursed upon that it “might as well have nipples” on it (as an ex-boyfriend of Phoebe once observed).  You need to flip the script and start a Gunther spin-off—become the most important person in your own story and make decisions that forward your own goals. Strain recommendation: $100 OG

GEMINI

Guilt and shame are different. Guilt is regret for something you’ve done, shame is an embarrassment for who you are. We all have things we feel badly for having done, and they make our stomachs turn, but shame—the secret pain we try to hide—is the bone deep/flush of red cheeks/burning back of the neck lifelong aching. What were you told as a child that has kept you down, or running, or pushing? You are in a retrospection cycle so try to put it to good use by being this week’s anti-George Costanza: unpack your abusive internal messages rather than letting them spin you out into even more self-defeating ridiculousness. Strain recommendation: Cinex

CANCER

Many people forget that George Clooney got his start on the ’80s sitcom The Facts of Life. He was the eye candy for a house full of private boarding-school girls. See, it doesn’t matter where you start, just where you end up. A new person in your world started things off awkwardly, but they will ultimately play a big part in your future, so don’t dismiss them too quickly. Like Amal, if you just wait and stay classy, you’ll land 2016 Clooney, when he’s a slick humanitarian Oscar winner. Strain recommendation: Trainwreck

LEO

You are E.T. sitting in Elliot’s bicycle basket, being whisked through the forest by a loving friend who is determined to help you.  You know you need to get home, to somewhere safe, but you need to depend on your loved ones, which can be trying for the proud Leo.  Use this birthday season to return to your nascent self, the innocent who must be carried to a fresh beginning. Trust your companions, they will guide you. Strain recommendation:  Grand Daddy Purple

VIRGO

In the late 80’s there was show called ALF about an alien and a white family called the Tanners who lived in suburban America. In the late 80’s there was a show called Full House about John Stamos and a white family called the Tanners who lived in suburban America.  In the late ‘80s there was a dearth of imagination. You have a case of the late ‘80s. Nothing is coming to you. Your doodles are nothing but flowers and your signature over and over again. You are in desperate need of inspiration—go outside, talk to strangers, lick a frog, just do something to get the mental magic moving. Strain recommendation: AK-47

LIBRA

When I look at Trump I see an aged Alex P. Keaton (Michael J. Fox on Family Ties). Think back on Tracy Flick (Reese Witherspoon in Election) and you can see a fledgling Hillary. These stereotypes seemed exaggerated even before the millennium, but now they are downright cartoonish.  This week you too are a strange representation of yourself. Not truly connected to your real personhood, but inhabiting a persona shaped like you. Do what you can to ground yourself, immediately. Strain recommendation: White Widow

SCORPIO

Not only do all the Star Trek shows share a common creator, but they often recycle their actors. If you watch carefully, you may notice many of the aliens are played by a core group of reliable players, sometimes more than once on the same show.  Reccurring actors will even land leads in the series, but it is the solid gems that continue to play supporting parts that remind me of you this week. You are just as affable and chameleon-like as James Cromwell and Tony Todd, and like them, you help the entire ensemble thrive without taking the spotlight.  It’s not easy being unsung, but you must believe there are people out there who see you and appreciate the heck out of your skills. Strain recommendation: Girl Scout Cookies

SAGITTARIUS

If you were on Jerry Springer back when his audiences used to chant his name and his guests would hurl chairs at each other, you’d be the confused-looking boyfriend of the girl who is revealing that she’s having his dad’s baby.  The cameras are on you and you are stunned, unsure how to react to news so bizarre that it feels unreal. The secret is that if you just let the madness play out around you until the commercial break, you’ll discover that none of this hoopla means anything at all.  Wait out the chaos, it will burn itself out—just be patient. Strain recommendation:  Blue Dream

CAPRICORN

Captain Caveman is the underdog of Superheroes (well not counting Underdog, I guess). He’s short, hairy, incomprehensible and from an indeterminate species. Something you can relate to this week is being the unlikely powerhouse hero. You smash your way to the truth and the happy ending with your big ol’ club. It’s an unusual position for you to be in, but one you can assume with vigor.  Be the wild, wooly, wonder creature that you know you can be! Strain recommendation: Lemon Haze

AQUARIUS

Nooooooorm! Where everybody knows your name, that’s where you want to be. You need to sit on your familiar old bar stool, have your pals tell you jokes and put your booze on an endless tab. Home. Whatever it means to you, whether it be a place, a person or friendly animal; there is a special feeling in you when you know it’s real. Seek it out now. Wrap yourself in the comfort, feel the warmth. You deserve the love and care you will find there. Strain recommendation: Sour Diesel

PISCES

The Debbie Downers are deep diving you this week, piling the sadness on top of the bummed-out-ed-ness. I am sending you a cosmic dose of Two Wild and Crazy Guys a.k.a The Festrunk Brothers a.k.a. Steve Martin and Dan Ackroyd, dressed head to toe in plaid with brutal Eastern European accents and purple newsboy hats! Let them hip-shimmy your blues away. If you don’t feel a lift, then try faking it till you make it. A smile can convince the rest of you that things are getting better, whether or not it’s genuine. Lightly pull up the tips of your ears, like you are a perky little pixie dog, and this will help a smile form. Maybe try a little bark or two. That should crack a giggle. Strain recommendation: Green Crack

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