High Horoscopes | Aug. 31, 2016

ARIES

Your sign’s namesake Ares, among other things, is the Greek god of War; this doesn’t make you warlike, but I would venture that you are susceptible to difficulties that are extreme in nature—highs and lows, as is war to the soldier. To survive the trenches a warrior must feel the intense joy before the pain, in order to have remembrance of a life worth fighting for. This M.O. becomes an albatross when the highs lose their sparkle.  Your inner soldier is due for leave and major PTSD counseling.  While you are in battle, don’t lose your focus—keep your goal firmly in sight, but put in your transfer request and dig a deep hole until it comes through. Strain recommendation: Lavender

TAURUS

You often remind me of Zeus, the father of the gods. He’s like The Godfather to the mobs made of his unruly children. This flawed grand Pooh-Bah is a solid mass of passion, gravitas and charisma. Not insusceptible to foibles, he is a ruthless parent, a merciless punisher and a jealous lover. You share his grandeur and power, but wield it more carefully than he. I invite you to summon your inner Zeus and let the prideful, ravenous, sexy, commanding mob boss out for the weekend. Take him out for a spin and see what happens. Strain recommendation: Great White Shark

GEMINI

The Roman god Janus had two faces, kind of like Gemini’s twins. One could see the past, and the other could see the future. You have the gift of prescience this week, and the clarity of perspective. To make the most of this magical time it would be best to summon the courage that comes with godliness. You must allow the light and the dark to hold the same space: for the contradictions to flow through you. Find peace with the paradoxes without falling into Cognitive Dissonance. Strain recommendation: Raspberry Kush

CANCER

When Athens was looking for a patron deity they held a contest. Athena beat out Poseidon by offering the inhabitants the olive tree. Poseidon offered a spring of water, which turned out to be salty and therefore useless. Angered by the loss, he flooded part of the city. Are you summoning the revengeful wrath of a petty god? Are your peeled grapes a bit sour? Some deep breaths need to be taken, some soothing baths, and hopefully a beautiful human will bring you a nice warm pair of big boy pants with your cup of hot chocolate. Before your reputation turns from being the powerful god of the sea into the cartoon depiction of Neptune, father of Ariel the Little Mermaid, who dances with calypso-singing crabs, you need to toughen up and get your old wise man face on. Strain Recommendation: Cinderella 99

LEO

Hermes is the Greek god of many things, one of which is Transition. You can meditate on him as you pass through the many personas you inhabit this week. You are a changeling, a spirit without matter, a ghost—someone with no face. How rare is it to be able to choose your identity? This is the time to make the shifts and traverse the boundaries that have previously intimidated you. What are you going to explore with this newfound awareness and control? Which parts of you are worth amplifying, and which need muting? Where do you want to be when your cocoon breaks open? Strain recommendation: White Russian

VIRGO

I wonder if any of our recent Olympians made a sacrifice to Nike, the Greek Goddess of Victory to stand atop the medal podium? If you were to practice for almost every waking moment of your life in order to participate in the most prestigious competition against the world’s best athletes while it was broadcast across the planet, wouldn’t you do everything you could imagine for even the slightest possible advantage? What you need to accomplish the impossible goal you have been working towards all these months is a bit of random faith in whatever help you can find along the way. It may seem ridiculous, but who knows where luck comes from? What have you got to lose? Strain recommendation: Blue Diesel

LIBRA

In Greek mythology, Hypnos is the personification of Sleep and Dreams. His brother is Death, and they live together in the Underworld. His parents are the Night and the Darkness. He can be helpful or tricky, but ultimately he cares for humans as he owns half of our lives. Hypnos is circling you, aware of your weariness. He’s been blowing sleep dust in your eyes, singing lullabies and tossing sheep at you, but nothing is stopping your relentless need to work! You are on overdrive. Please let him take you down to his darkened man cave for 40 winks and a good old-fashioned, tripped out dream or two; you need the quiet time. Strain recommendation: Mr. Nice

SCORPIO

Demeter, the goddess of the harvest, crop and farming in general, was not one of the more rowdy Greek gods. She didn’t turn anyone into a disfigured creature or pretend to be an animal so as to have bestial relations. Her great act was to let the world starve until her abducted daughter, Persephone, was returned from the Underworld. You are similarly keen to keep the peace this week, unless someone takes something precious from you. Then hell be damned! Instead of offering you advice, I will offer your relations and colleagues some guidance; keep on this lady’s good side. Strain recommendation: Obama Kush

SAGITTARIUS

How flattering it must be to have your opinions so sought after!  The highest of esteem is held for judges and critics. You may learn a valuable lesson, however, from the story of the Greek God Apollo. He asked King Midas to judge a karaoke competition between Pan and himself. When Pan won, Apollo bestowed Midas with donkey ears. If you don’t want to be half an ass I would advise you to not let the prestige of the position blind you from the consequences of picking a winner. Strain recommendation: Kosher Kush

CAPRICORN

Even though Aphrodite was considered the greatest beauty among the gods, was the absolute symbol of love and pleasure, was fought for and sought after by almost the entirety of man and god kind; she was often jealous of Artemis – the virginal warrior of the hunt. It’s like Barbie being jealous of Dora the Explorer.  These two powerful goddesses were completely different, not at in competition or interested in the same things and yet their petty rivalry stopped them from what could have been the best buddy story of all time. If these two joined forces, they could have taken over Olympus. Don’t dismiss a potentially glorious collaborator out of misplaced envy. Strain recommendation: Blackberry

AQUARIUS

Chronos (Time) and Rhea (the Earth) gave birth to Hera, the goddess of women and marriage. She was the wife/sister of Zeus and as such, had to deal with not only his chronic philandering, but also that of the entire Greek Pantheon.  It must be hard to be the deity of a lost cause. I’m sure you can relate a bit this week. You’ve been working your peacock feathers off and still this cause is dead in the water. You must wonder why you were given this task if it was so doomed to begin with. Sometimes the worthy are given a guide to shepherd it to its demise, as a sign of respect. Try to take comfort in knowing it will be cared for until the end by someone who gives a damn. Strain recommendation: Candyland

PISCES

Apparently Tyche and Nemesis look a lot alike. Tyche, the Greek Goddess of Luck, rarely comes when called, but likes to surprise mortals with good fortune from time to time. Nemesis is the goddess of retribution to those who display hubris. So if you aren’t modest and grateful, your lucky streak can quickly become a nightmare of bad juju before you even know it. Keep this in mind as you navigate the pitfalls and upswings of your week. A healthy dose of thankfulness can go a long way towards helping your vibes stay positive. Strain recommendation: Animal Cookies