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High Horoscopes | Dec. 1, 2016

Aelie Câlin

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The HIGH TIMES weekly astrological forecast, complete with strain recommendations!

Ask Aelie anything! Find her on Facebook and Twitter.

ARIES
You have been held captive in an emotional cage for a while now; susceptible to the extreme mood swings created by your disturbed relationship. You’ve tried every way out: bargaining, pleading, hiding in the corner, arguing, and calling out. Nothing helps: in fact, every new tactic makes it worse. But soon, something within you will click. This will be the sound of the cage unlocking. Suddenly you will be magically immune. You can see now from an outside perspective, and a peace will descend upon you. The relief will be palpable, and not felt just by you, but by everyone who cares for you. Strain recommendation: Honey Comb

TAURUS
Some friendships are more labor intensive than others.  When one of them suffers, a part of you suffers. When one is caught in repetitive behavior, you feel frustrated. When one is released from pain, you feel lighter. You have come to your limit with a friend who continually talks about the day his ship will come in. His empty promises and excuses have finally pushed you over the edge and now a confrontation needs to happen. Please keep in mind that no matter how annoying it is to listen to, it must be doubly worse to live through. Approach the conversation with sympathy but stay firm. This is the best gift you can give, to both of you. Strain recommendation: Super Snowdawg

GEMINI
Your dualistic nature causes no turmoil for you; it is others that have trouble understanding it. Paradoxes are unsettling to those who need a singular story line to follow, a dependable reality to count on, a constant beat to drum to. You, however, are capable of holding many truths within you at the same time. This skill will come in handy this week as you negotiate a particularly complex time of your life. Layers upon layers of meaning and intent will shift and morph, as will your feelings about it. You are the most capable sign of the zodiac to manage travelling between parallel emotional universes. Good luck! Strain recommendation: Fortune Cookies

CANCER
Random acts of randomness! This is your weekly mantra, should you choose to accept it. Prance about with a tutu on your head, write a letter to your local representative demanding daily viewings of Pee Wee’s Playhouse at all the major banks, make a corn-and-dill flavored popsicle. You’ve been adulting too much lately, and while it’s terribly useful, it’s also a great way to lose your sense of humor and universal awe. Shake loose and go fancy-free, take no prisoners, and wear polka dots with plaid! Strain recommendation: F.O.G.

LEO
Dialect Coach Erik Singer has put together a wonderful YouTube video in which he dissects the accent work of 32 actors, from the disaster of Costner in Robin Hood to the mastery of Streep in Sophie’s Choice. So many actors put their efforts into doing the sounds correctly, but forget to not just to listen to the way a native speaker talks, and also watch the way they move their jaw, tongue, and hold their lips. You are doing a passable interpretation of a happy person right now, but unless you carefully observe and mimic the minute details of how their faces genuinely radiate joy, you will be found out. And what’s so bad about that? Will everything absolutely be ruined if people know you don’t feel totally ok right now? I posit that not only will the sky not fall, but also you will find some sympathetic shoulders to lean on. Strain recommendation: Herojuana OG

VIRGO
If you look up tone-deaf in the dictionary, you will see some words about the inability to distinguish musical notes, and you will see pictures of Tatiana Navka, the wife of Vladimir Putin’s spokesman, and her skating partner doing a routine dressed as holocaust prisoners, complete with massive gold stars. The soundtrack of barking dogs and gunshots was laid upon a saccharin song about smiling when things are bad, and after the blond Russians with dark eye-circle make-up mimed their journey through the camps on ice, they were awarded perfect scores. Now, you are not as oblivious as this by any means, but you’re not quite woke these days either. I’d suggest a societal temperature gage reboot before you unintentionally insult too many more people. Strain recommendation: Haley’s Comet

LIBRA
Sometimes when retelling an old story you’ll find that your perspective on the event has changed. A friend of mine once realized mid-story that the man she saw at a bus stop, dressed all in white, playing oddly with a dog bone in his clothes was in fact flashing her, but being only ten years old when it happened she was too young to understand it at the time. The revealed memory made her realize that she may have other suppressed memories, something she always thought of to be the stuff of make-believe. You are well-situated cosmically this week to see old fuzzy memories with more clarity. Take a mental inventory of the old and weird stories of your past, and see if there is a new way to look at any of it. Strain recommendation: Swiss Cheese

SCORPIO
I’m not usually a fan of Meaghan Trainor’s music, but recently I saw a YouTube exercise video by “The Fitness Marshall” who used her song “Me Too” expertly, and I now have her hook “If I was you, I’d want to me too” on a steady earworm loop. It’s damn catchy, but the idea behind the song is also pervasive. It features an it-girl who doesn’t give a shit what anyone thinks cause she’s the bomb. Not an original concept, but what makes it interesting is that real life Trainor seems to be a down-to-earth woman without a ridiculous superiority complex. So, I’m left wondering if this is a parody or if she genuinely has this kind of self-confidence and still manages to be humble. Super strong self-confidence without the usual accompanying arrogance: maybe give this a shot this week? Strain recommendation: Blackberry Hashplant

SAGITTARIUS
A wise almost 5-year-old I know says “to catch a cold is a silly way to put it, because it’s the cold that catches you”.  Well, I’m afraid more than just a cold will be hunting you down this week; a bad mood, some lame news and some tummy disturbances, to mention but a few things. It might be one of those write-off weeks, so if you can cancel any evening plans now, it would be best.  Settle down with your favourite feel-good people and things and take the time to self-comfort. If you must go out, I suggest using perk-me-up substances to help plaster a smile on your not-so-chuffed face. People don’t want to be dragged down by your crap-ass attitude this week, even if it is well warranted. Strain recommendation: Henry VIII

CAPRICORN
Researching my family tree, I came across a photo of a young man who was conscripted in the early 19th century. Looking at his young face I realized that if he shook out his horrific hairdo he’d match the hipsters desperately engrossed in their online world, sitting in the cafés around town. And not that long ago that was me: with a book sporting the most esoteric title possible. Before that: my father, with a cigar perhaps. Every generation is essentially the same besides our trappings du jour. What is your item of significance? What is always in your bag just in case you find yourself facing an awkward moment with nothing to do but BE? Try leaving it at home this week and see what your hands do when there is nothing in them. Where does your gaze land… and can you pull this off without looking like a psycho? Strain Recommendation: Quick One

AQUARIUS
Sleep is everything. We forget how much we need it to be consistent and uninterrupted. We all know that without REM, humans go a bit batty, but we forget that even pushing the envelope a bit here and there can result in behavior we wouldn’t be proud of otherwise. To be honest, you’ve been a little bitchy lately, with a shorter fuse and a bucket load of complaints. Please, we (the rest of the zodiac) collectively beg of you to go to bed early for a few nights. Cuddle up and snooze it all away. Strain recommendation: Vanilla Kush

PISCES
According to Malcolm Gladwell, you only need 10,000 hours to master a skill: I wonder what I could have accomplished if I had put all the hours I spent playing computer solitaire and watching TV towards some good. I could be a multi-lingual violinist by now. It’s sad to think of all the time I’ve wasted on frivolous endeavors, though sometimes that’s exactly what my body, mind and soul needed. Our society needs to appreciate that down time is when all the work gels and new ideas form. What kind of silly activity can you get up to this week that will relieve your stress while allowing your load of meaty ponderings to simmer into a nice curry? Strain recommendation: Huron

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