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High Horoscopes | July 22, 2016

Aelie Câlin

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ARIES
One foot is set on the sandy desert road of your past, shoe splattered with blood, sweat, and tears – the other is in the lush greenery of your future, with all of its hidden jewels and unknown plants making your sole wet. And there’s your butt… firmly planted in Nowhereland, Kansas. Until you bring your feet together and stop straddling the great divide in this rather unceremonious way, I don’t imagine you’ll be able to do much dancing. Plus, the splits aren’t something adults should do unless their profession somehow calls for it.
Strain recommendation: Rainbow

 

TAURUS
Pops was hobbled, barely able to walk a block without getting winded. “This is it,” he thought, “old age has come for real.” Hope faded as quickly as his desires did – his signature bold and delicious take on LIFE was gone. “I may as well give in to it,” he thought. Once this acceptance quieted his mind, he remembered a little adjustment a chiropractor did on him about 40 years ago. It had made him feel quite wonderful at the time. He asked a new doc to replicate it and the next day he was bounding up hills again, making plans and wanting to engage with people about their passions and his. Amazing how such a tiny shift can change a person’s whole life, isn’t it?
Strain recommendation: Hippie Chicken

 

GEMINI
A beautiful Russian nesting doll is opened, inside of it is its only slightly smaller doppelganger. This second doll then is opened to reveal yet another twin doll, again only a bit smaller. Ah, a pattern has emerged. You understand that the next doll will be a littler clone of the first two. When it is opened, a blue spider with horns on its head and a dirty smile on its face emerges. Instead of shrieking in fear, you hold it still, crack it open, and look for the next doll. What does this tell you? Are you relentless in your pursuit of predictability, or just a persistent optimist? Would you accept being both?
Strain recommendation: Loud Dream

 

CANCER
Many of us imagine what we’d do if we met our celebrity crush or personal hero.  The questions we’d ask, the jokes we’d tell, the way we’d catch their interest or gaze. Well, you met a heavy hitter recently and I must commend you on the slickitude with which you held your composure. You kept your fanboy at bay, remembered that y’all are just people and you ended up playing catch with a rock star. The quiet confidence and solidity of self you displayed made you the person of interest. Finding ways to harness that cool into some more career advancement activity might be a good idea, no?
Strain recommendation: Dark Star

 

LEO
Success can feel incredibly sudden, even when the slog towards it took ages. There is a famous The Price is Right game called Cliffhanger, where a cardboard Swiss mountaineer slowly walks up a hill, every step marking how many dollars away the right price is from what was guessed. The hiker either stops suddenly in the safe zone, or plummets off the edge — all the while a jaunty yodeling tune accompanies him. I hear that tune when I think of your last few years, plodding your way up the alps. But now the music has abruptly stopped and, Wow, you made it! A new car and attractive bedroom set is all yours! The rewards for your patience are starting to cash in.
Strain recommendation: Acapulco Gold

 

VIRGO
It’s all coming up Virgo! Many small wins and general good vibes around you are proving the end of July to be a sweet time. Capitalizing on the trend would be smart. Perhaps catch up on your pet projects so that the joy can spread? They will be particularly well received if they are creative or in service of others. Otherwise, doing your best impression of a fat kitty stretching out in a sunbeam is pretty much all that’s expected of you now. Maybe add a saucer of margaritas and some choice cat nip.
Strain recommendation: 9 Pound Hammer

 

LIBRA
A dear Libra friend recently posted this Paula Hawkins quote, from her novel, The Girl on the Train: “…the holes in your life are permanent. You have to grow around them, like tree roots around concrete; you mould yourself through the gaps.” This friend is one of those stalwart people who remains a constant in your life, even though they rarely feature in your day-to-day. I recently spent some extended time with her, however, and now I see how this quote perfectly encapsulates how she, and all you wonderful Librans, survive your paths with such grace and humor. You are yourselves at all times. Even when the bottom falls out, you continue to do your thing, stalwart to your true self above all else, holes and all.
Strain recommendation: Sweet Tooth

 

SCORPIO
The Jim Jarmusch film, Down by Law, contains a fantastic scene where three prisoners chant, “I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream” for no particular reason at all. They are swept up in the random silliness of it and begin a cell-wide sing-along. That sudden whiff of fun needs to be grabbed whenever it pops up, especially for you Scorps, since you have a tendency to focus on the negative when you are in challenging times. Conduct an invisible orchestra, spout water from your mouth like a sprinkler, juggle eggs or start a mosh pit at the grocery store. Get in there whenever the opportunity arises.
Strain recommendation: Vortex

 

SAGITTARIUS
The little cold tickling your throat lately might as well be polio, for all you know. Your body is completely disconnected from your mind and gut because you’re too busy to sleep, make some lovin’ or even smoke a J. What is the point of it all if you can’t poop without sending an email at the same time? Is delegating a form of weakness where you’re from? Do they think it means that you can’t survive on your own steam? Please take the 30 seconds it will require to realize that there isn’t a single person alive or dead who hasn’t needed another persons’ collaboration/help/services to accomplish anything of substance. This has been a test of the Emergency Broadcast System.
Strain recommendation: Galactic Jack

 

CAPRICORN
And? What’s next? Your recent adventure is over, now you’re looking at a lot of nothing-in-particular but still kinda-important needs-to-be-done stuff. How spectacularly non-thrilling it is to be a Capricorn this week. So, get down to it! “But, I’m tired,” you whine. “And Big Brother is on TV. And it’s soooo hot.” OHMYGAWD, get your horned ass off the bed and do your work. “But it’s sunny and we need toilet paper.” Please, you’re killing me! You must focus. “I’m hungry,” and I die. OK, fine, don’t do anything, but you will reap some consequences; I’m just sayin’.
Strain recommendation: Mob Boss

 

AQUARIUS
You heeded some good advice from a friendly earth sign and now you have regained some happiness and control. The stars are pleased, your loved ones are pleased, and you seem pleased. So is it pessimistic of me to worry still, just a bit, that your anger was not completely released, but perhaps submerged? The success that came from deciding to feel better might be shallower and more temporary than hoped for, and your tender heart won’t be able to take the strain of continued, unconscious background stress. Some more digging is required. Sorry.
Strain recommendation: Strawberry

 

PISCES
I wish I could find a greeting card that said, “Congratulations, you’ve taken a huge step towards being a more honest representation of your true self.” I’d sign it with a little smiley face and a heart and a drawing of stick figures doing it. You told the dreaded truth – and the result was ease and a deep sigh of relief! Now a long tunnel is stretched out before you. Down it lies more hard work, some pain, clarity, temptation and failure, but ultimately a surprise life that you earned and will cherish. Maybe take a few days rest before stepping into it, because once you launch yourself there’s no going back.
Strain recommendation: Blackwater

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