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High Horoscopes | July 28, 2016

Aelie Câlin

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ARIES
I spotted some public urination in the subway this week. Filled with indignation, I had to hold back from calling the perp out for disrespecting our shared space. Then the man turned around and I saw an old, slightly embarrassed or possibly confused face. Compassion hit me and I was relieved I’d held my tongue. I’ll take from this to remember that not everyone has control in their life, so those of us that do must exert that control when confronted with life’s surprising moments.
Strain recommendation: Snoop’s Dream

TAURUS
You made a choice to dump your old car for a clean, family reliable, eco-friendly, monstrous example of middle aged responsibility and you feel fine about it. Of course, you do. The old junker was fun ’cause you could really chuck whatever you wanted in there, spill a bit, be dirty, carefree and young… but it wasn’t practical anymore. Then the realization strikes you, “Does getting old have more to do with the choices I make than what I see in the mirror? How many other middle-aged choices have I made? And how old will I be for my next choice?”
Strain recommendation: The White

GEMINI
What do we gain from making judgments? Why do we feel so confident and justified when pronouncing our views, even when we know they are just opinions, often not supported by fact or particularly filled with compassion? The vicious Internet backlash that happens around any remotely semi-public event is almost compulsorily these days. Catch a peek behind any trolled topic and you will see the subject wondering why so many people they don’t know are telling them to die in creative-yet-disgusting ways.  Sorry, but you may need to check your Inner Judge Judy this week; your self-assured proclamations may be just your own stupid point of view.
Strain recommendation: Critical Jack

CANCER
Lindsay Lohan, a fellow Cancerian, just popped back out of obscurity. She revealed a split from her fiancé, Egor. Apparently her call to the police regarding alleged violence between them led to a social media frenzy. She says she regrets not keeping this matter private because it distracts from her good heart. I’m not sure what that means precisely, but I like to hear that she is not seeking celebrity through this. It’s hard for us to change our opinions of people, though, isn’t it? Especially when they seemingly worked hard to gain the opposite reputation? How can you make that kind of internal shift this week? By carefully observing what they say and the actions they take now, not the memories you have of their past.
Strain recommendation: Somango

LEO
You were a bit of a meanie to that poor kid; he’s new at the job and was trying his best. Sure, he took it well and you made a light apology, but dude, what’s going on with you? Yes, the kid needed a little shake-up, but when did that become your purview? You are starting to like it, aren’t you? You were the nice guy, but you got pushed too far and now your “Sticking up for yourself” energy is turning into “bossy little jerk” energy. And how’s that working out for you? Fine, you say? OK, tell me how you feel in a month when you have a few less friends than you do now.
Strain recommendation: Jesus OG

VIRGO
It’s your chance to sit in the Captain’s chair. Kirk has been vaporized, Spock is stuck on the planet below and everyone else has that virus that makes them act drunk. You don’t like to be in charge, but here you are kind of rocking it. The ship lurches to the right, then to the left (but, oddly, never up or down, backwards or forwards). The music is all horns and drums, it’s very dramatic, indeed. Then the planet below explodes and you realize you are now the captain. Well get comfy ensign, you may not be ready, but it’s happening.
Strain recommendation: Tangie

LIBRA
Matt Damon is a Libra. He’s opening a big new movie soon. His face is everywhere. He did a video with Jimmy Kimmel pretending to go to couples counseling to remedy their fictitious celebrity feud. According to Wikipedia, he’s ranked as of the highest grossing actors of all time. He seems like a nice guy, too, in a solid marriage unscathed by Hollywood pressures, has a bunch of cute daughters, does charity work. It’s a bit ridiculous how normal and yet extraordinary he seems to be. Like your week to come – ordinary, but still fantastic.
Strain recommendation: Herijuana

SCORPIO
America’s elections dominate the news around the world for longer and longer each cycle. At this point in 2016, the international community is more familiar with the intricacies of super PACs and national conventions than they are with their local geography or with whom their government may be at war. Scorpios need to be extra vigilant at this time; the ease with which they are distracted from the important issues in their own lives is remarkable. It could be a tactic to ignore uncomfortable obligations, but it may also be a lack of focus due to over stimulation. Put yourself in a dark room, cool but not cold, lay on a bed, relax your limbs one by one, take the time to feel each muscle in your body, forget who Donald and Hillary are and then open your eyes.
Strain recommendation: Cheese Quake

SAGITTARIUS
Some hard-learned advice: 1. Don’t order sushi on a plane. 2. Putting a house plant outside does not mean it will thrive without attention. 3. Don’t watch The Bachelorette before bed if you don’t want to dream that you are simultaneously dating three, almost identical, shiny white men. 4. Don’t spend this week following random advice from strangers, no matter how woke you deem them to be. You are Fleetwood Mac and you must Go Your Own Way.
Strain recommendation: Space Queen

CAPRICORN
“My girl, my girl, don’t you lie to me, tell me where did you sleep last night?/In the pines, in the pines, where the sun never shines, I shivered the whole night through.”

This classic tune, made famous by so many talents – Lead Belly, The Four Pennies, Nirvana, Dolly Parton, to name but a few – has been circling my mind. It is a message for you. Like this old traditional, there are vast differences in the ways each person you meet interprets you, and lately you seem to have little control over your own narrative. Work on simplifying your energy. Match your physical actions to your words, and your words to your thoughts. Don’t be a beautiful song about a train decapitation or adultery or convicts working the coal mines. Be “Happy Birthday” or “Jingle Bells,” at least for this week.
Strain Recommendation: 3X Crazy

AQUARIUS
Recently, Canadian production company, Noodle Boys, went viral with their satirical video showing the dangers of Pokémon Go. In it, a young man walks into glass doors, off a pier and in the path of a subway while entirely focused on the game. This last stunt is what made the city of Toronto lose its mind. A headline debate between the “anything for comedy, no harm done” gang and the “you put commuter lives in danger by jumping onto the tracks during operational hours” crew was heated. All the while, the Noodle Boys racked up millions of YouTube hits. In this allegory, you are neither side of the debate, but in fact the owners of YouTube, who do absolutely nothing but reap quiet rewards. Enjoy!
Strain recommendation: 3 Kings

PISCES
It’s not unusual to meet a Piscean who believes in conspiracy theories, the mystical power of coincidences and Ley lines. You could argue they are particularly connected beings or that they are prone to denying reality in favor of more exciting narratives. I propose a mix of the two. While the sensitive side is feeling its way through the world with a deep understanding of emotion, their escapist side is debating the roundness of our planet or how to buy a Corvette on minimum wage. Your ability to ground yourself in human nature is what is most needed now. Put aside your fascinations for a moment if you can.
Strain recommendation: Bay 11

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