High Horoscopes | July 8, 2016

ARIES

Newness is slapping you in the face, like a large fish in the hands of a prop comedian. Over and over until the audience laughs, then the laughs slow to giggles, then stops altogether, then they get bored at the repetition, then some nervous giggles escape here and there, and then it’s all laughs again. You are in a cycle of renewal. You’re not sure how to navigate it this time, which is mildly disconcerting, as change is one thing that you are usually very comfortable with—however, you are playing it off beautifully. Just keep your head about you; don’t spiral off into entropy. Keep those feet deep in earth. Strain recommendation: Pink Kush

TAURUS

A relief has come, physically and financially. A pattern of clenching was upon you, but once you remembered how you got out of it last time and applied that method again, you were released. It was a painful way to revisit the George Santayana adage about learning from history or being doomed to repeat it. Hopefully you won’t have to take this History class again. Enjoy the freedom you have earned, but keep in mind that you just barely avoided summer school. Be this week’s zodiacal Ferris Bueller. Strain recommendation: UK Cheese

GEMINI

Have you lost your chutzpah a bit? Maybe your passion has dimmed with too many days on the beach? A vacation can be a double-edged sword. Now you are a tanned, happier, slightly plumper version of yourself, but this version has no desire to make it rain dolla billz. Worse is if it isn’t a vacation, but unemployment during the summer months; you’re too broke and stressed to eat, and too guilty about not working to lie around catching some rays. So now you are a paler, sadder, weaker version of yourself, and this version also has no fire cause life has doused it out with its rejection sprinklers. Either way, the only solution is some self butt-kicking. Strain recommendation: Kaboom

CANCER

Your life has been consumed with so much life stuff lately. Lifey Stuffs everywhere, at all times. It really gets in the way of your Self-ness Things! The wonderful sexy world of self-ness has eluded you for a while, not due to anything other than your life getting in your goddamned face and not shutting up. Ok yes, you chose this life, but you didn’t know it would be so 24-7! Doesn’t life ever take a freakin’ nap? If there is any way you can throw some money at this problem I would recommend it. Get someone else to do your Stuff so you can attend to those more enjoyable Things. Strain recommendation: Apollo 13

LEO

When your family is in turbulence, you are the rock. You sit by the bed, you talk to the lawyers, you hold the hands, you keep everyone in the loop, you act as mediator, you sit shiva, you listen to the rantings, you help clean out the house, and you make the appointments. You keep your stoic chin up. So what do you do when there is nothing to do but be sad? Are you going to allow yourself to fall apart? You need to take that solid soul of yours and tell it to rest. Curl up next to someone who cares for you and let your wet face carry you into sleep. Strain recommendation: Big Bud

VIRGO

You landed a hilarious little part in a big Hollywood film that is shooting in your town. Quite the kudos for such a young actor, you’ve been told. So how to leverage this into a career? Do you kiss some producer butt, move to the big city in pursuit of your dream with your half a minute cameo uploaded to your personal website, or chalk it up to a freak chance and keep plugging away where you’re at? I have no idea, I’m not your agent. And neither are the other 100 people you’ve been asking. Try not to let this bit of good fortune become an albatross through over analysis and FOMO. Get a grip Brando, it’s a business decision, not something your dry cleaner can help you with. Strain recommendation: Lavender

LIBRA

The pain of confusion is not the sharp prick of a pin or the dull throb of a hangover headache, but rather the ripping apart sensation that I imagine would overwhelm someone placed inside that medieval torture device named The Rack.  There are too many possibilities and repercussions before you to calculate; the scales lean to one side then swiftly shift to the other. Decision-making can be a torture of sorts. I don’t have advice on which way to go, though I will warn you to not lose yourself in the drama of the process. Keep your goal firmly in mind. Strain recommendation: Martian Mean Green

SCORPIO

When I was a kid I went to a summer day camp at the local YMCA. Once I ran an obstacle course set out around the gym with hoola hoops to step through and wooden horses to jump over. The part that I was most excited about was the swinging ropes. Seeing the kids ahead of me flying through the air I thought, “I can do better than that, I don’t have to stop between ropes like those babies, I’ll grab the next one in the air and swing like a monkey, like Tarzan.” My advice to you this week is: don’t let go of the first thing before ensuring you have a firm grip on the next thing (and if the thin blue mats below you have been accidentally spread apart, your head will find that sliver of hard floor). Strain recommendation: Sharksbreath

SAGITTARIUS

Temptation is often imagined as an hourglass-shaped woman in a slinky red dress and heels; smoking a cigarette, tumbler of whiskey in hand as Sergio blows on his sax in the hazy background. If only it was such an obvious and cartoony expression in the real world.  Morality could be envisioned as a sweet choirboy kneeling in prayer. Do we conjure removed and idealistic images to couch our susceptibility, or is it just a Judeo-Christian hangover run amok? Maybe we just have to admit we need to jump in the mud and get dirty sometimes. Strain recommendation: Cherry Kola

CAPRICORN

Bored and stuck, not feeling heard or being seen, or cared for properly—an old Raggedy Ann doll on the shelf. The kid’s too old to play with you, and Ken took off with Barbie, of course (the prick). Alright, you have this week to lick your wounds, Ann. Your sad and lonelies, your ‘what to do now?’, your restless leg syndrome, it’s all yours for this one 7 day period! But that’s it. No do-overs so get the lip pouts out of your system. Next week, shitz getting realz. Saying this with love; it’ll soon be time to grow the hell up. Strain recommendation: Ogre

AQUARIUS

In the underrated Tim Robbins film Erik the Viking, there is a character known as the Berserker. He is a special Viking warrior whose main purpose is to go absolutely wild on the battlefield. When he loses all control of himself his mates point him at the enemy and watch him explode, like a living bomb, with the passion and fury of a thousand suns. We’re not all meant to be leaders; this can be frustrating when the boat is sinking and no one is at the helm. But you need to remember your job, the one you were born to do; you are the Berserker, so let loose and leave it all out there on the dance floor, baby. Someone else can bail the water. Strain recommendation: CBD Mango Haze

PISCES

Success is so much more psychological than our society admits. It is absolutely subjective in most of life’s scenarios, though we insist that unless we are hurtling through goals and timelines at a maddening pace we are not doing all we can to accomplish it. Guilt sets in, which makes us unable to pull our confidence up enough ever achieve that elusive ‘ good life’ satisfaction.  We must not ask “Why can’t I succeed?” but rather, “How can I make the shift from desiring it to happen, to willing it into reality?” Strain recommendation: Ripped Bubba

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