High Horoscopes | Sept. 8, 2016

ARIES

I officially dub thee Sir Aries of Metallica. Metallica, known for hard thrashing and classically trained artistry, are an inspiration to many a musical wannabe. Everybody wants to rage with the skills of a master.  Well you are ripping this week a new one with the skill and precision of a great pianist Aries. It might feel like heavy metal but really it’s a masterpiece of fusion. Keep screaming, soon enough you will hear the beauty of the notes you can hit. Strain recommendation: Blueberry Dream

TAURUS

You are the Leonard Cohen of this week’s zodiac. You are the poet, the singer, the artist, the lover, the wanderer, an archivist of pain and beauty: a Jewish Buddhist from Montreal. You are swimming in the light and the dark, waltzing with the shadows. You are eating tea and oranges that come all the way from China. Take this romance, take this remembrance, take yourself to your journal and make use of this moment. This is a time for artistry. Let your soul guide your pen, your heart guide your voice and then your instincts can lead the rest of you. Strain recommendation: K-Train

GEMINI

Recently I was invited to an evening of classical English folk tunes. I feared the kind of boring pastoral music of that would accompany a 1970s BBC program about the history of mulled wine. I squeezed into a very hot, small and dark venue and listened to a few opening acts that didn’t sit well with my present physical discomfort. I was leaning towards making a swift exit when the main act began. Suddenly my inner beast was soothed by the dulcet tones of a lovely British mezzo-soprano who told tales of kings and rivers while a masterful guitarist picked a perfectly precise and beautiful accompaniment.  The most beautiful surprises can be found when you just stick it out that tiny little bit more than you are comfortable with. Strain recommendation: Death Star

CANCER

The kids have run off, down the street without you.  You sit on your tire swing, alone, wondering when you lost touch with your pals.  What were you doing when it all slipped away? Sometimes you feel as if your reality isn’t the one you used to share with these people. You are now in a different space. Like someone tuned the radio from Simon and Garfunkel to Die Antwoord. How can you process this shift? Sometimes you have to explore a new world before you can revisit the old one you think. When you come back it sounds good, you hear new things but it isn’t the Cecelia you remember, a new one has taken her place. Strain recommendation: Cannatonic

LEO

The blending of opposites can bring discord or harmony. The band Easy All-Stars mashed together Radiohead and Reggae to create Radiodread. The classic roots upbeat seems like it would be a mismatch for the haunting electric tones of Ok Computer, but the connection between them is far deeper than tonality. They both subvert their smooth, pleasing sounds with difficult, political subject matter.  You can harness the power of opposition this week by carefully crafting a gentle tone to speak your harsh words of truth. Use Radiodread as your mental background music and proceed bravely. Strain recommendation: Freddy’s Best

VIRGO

The quintessential image of a hard-ass, working class, American hero in the 1980s was Bruce Springsteen. Blue jeans, white tee, red bandana in his back pocket, wet from the sweat he earned under the hood of a car. He rides his motorcycle all day; alone with his brooding frustration. He barely sleeps at night; thinking of all his dreams that prob’ly never amount to nothing! You are this man’s dream. The one he fights like hell for but the one he’d sacrifice for his woman, if she hadn’t of left him first. You are full of potential but if you don’t work like a blue collar Boss you might just add up to a hill of beans. New Jersey beans that is. Strain recommendation: Black Widow

LIBRA

If your week was a work of art it would be the eclectic adventure that is the album Gulag Orkestar by the band Beirut. Performed live it is passionate, intimate and celebratory—it conjures Eastern European circuses, non-ironic dancing with animal masks and men wearing suspenders. Now, you could create a passionate encounter for yourself, or share an intimate moment with a stranger or throw a celebratory fiesta but the real work of art is managing all three at once. Can you wrest yourself from your digital life long enough to enjoy a visceral experience? Strain recommendation: Flo

SCORPIO

A sweet, slow Bon Iver album is what I’d recommend if I were your mixologist of mind music. A bit melancholy, definitely relaxed, made by a man experiencing a breakdown/rejuvenation period alone in a cabin for a year. This is just about the level of engagement that you need. This summer’s hectic pace has been mainly enjoyable but you are not ready for the year to come. Take every moment you can find to drift off into a somnolent haze of imaginary mind doodles. La dee dah. Poodles and bon bons. Fluffy nutterbutters. Shamoo. Strain recommendation: White Widow

SAGITTARIUS

This week, you are that group of dudegirls at the bar when their tune comes on and the loudest one horrifically yells “Awwww, that’s my jam” and they all high five their stupid hands and run off, squealing, to dance. Yes, you are just that disgusting right now. Everything is coming up Sag, and you couldn’t be happier. And sure the rest of us are scowling at you behind our whiskeys, but you go girl! Pop-lock your way to ridiculous happiness. You’re walking on goddamned Sunshine!!!! Wheeeee! Strain recommendation: Blue Cheese

CAPRICORN

We all wish our sex lives were magical and glorious but most need a little Barry White euphemism from time to time. There’s no shame in acknowledging that you don’t live in the ideal version of your life. Generally we accept people working on themselves throughout their whole lives; in fact we applaud them for it. But when we admit to working on our sex lives, there is a feeling of disappointment—that if the love was true, then the sex would always be mindblowing. This along with all of the other societal delusions about money, appearance and parenting can fuck itself. Strain recommendation: White Zombie

AQUARIUS

OM is a powerful sound. A healing sound. Something you could use a little of. You have a habit of forgetting what self-preservation is. “There’s no need for comfort items like socks or band-aids when there’s adventures or challenges ahead,” you tell yourself. Well, as embarrassing as it sounds, all of your neglected boo-boos need time to heal, and if you don’t give it to them they will continue this piecemeal revolt they are staging until you are one giant bruise. Strain recommendation: Purple Kush

PISCES

You’re cruising a slow groovy jam, like an electric slide when you just don’t care, maaaaan you’re killin it! Eddie Kendricks wrote “Keep on Truckin” for you, babycakes. Just keep doing you—everything is in its place, nobody’s unhappy, there ain’t nothing but smiles. Whoa, hold on now, don’t think too much about anything, you’ll harsh the mellow. Keep the music rollin, tappin out that beat. Whoops did you slip a little? S’ok honey, just grab a-hold of the rhythm, and don’t let go. Ain’t nothing gonna bring you down but you, so keep that big ol’ brain of yours occupado for a whiles. Strain recommendation: Bubba Kush