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Pot Roast

Bobby’s bachelor party was an herb-infused combo of hilarity and headbanging.

To the typical guy, a bachelor party means lots of Jäger shots and lap dances. But I’m no typical guy — so instead, I reserved a night at New York’s Delancey club, booked a few metal bands, enlisted my cannabis cabrón Jose Mangin (from SiriusXM) to act as host, and invited my loved ones to come tear me a new bong-hole. And just like that, the High Times Roast of Bobby Black was on.

“Your wedding will be my first pagan event,” roastmaster Mangin confessed as he got the festivities underway. “When I think of pagans, I think of wild orgies with hot babes in black robes and animal masks, patchouli dudes in mandals, and Ewoks.”

Other roasters included HT staffers Danny Danko, Chris Simunek, Frank Max and Dave Bienenstock (by proxy), as well as The Marijuana-logues’ Rob Cantrell, metal promoter Tim Martinez, my best friend Paul and even my dad. Here are some highlights:

Martinez: “I love that every time I’ve been with Bobby at a music festival, teenagers have come up to him with their summonses for marijuana possession for him to autograph.”

Cantrell: “‘Almost Infamous’? You’re not giving yourself enough credit. You are infamous — for smoking a bong out of a stripper’s ass on national radio! Doing coke off a chick’s titties is rock star; smoking weed out of a stripper’s ass is just shitty.”

Bienenstock: [via Danko] “When most people create an alter ego, it’s a cooler version of themselves. But Bobby’s already so monumentally, off-the-charts, throw-your-horns-in-the-air fuckin’ cool that he had to invent one that’s actually less cool — Rob. For example, Bobby loves double-D’s, while Rob is more into D&D. Bobby parties with porn stars; Rob has Tivo’d an entire season of Pawn Stars.”

Danko: “We knew it was getting serious between Bobby and April when he had the stripper pole removed from his office. When you told me you were dating ‘Miss April,’ I assumed she was a Playmate — but instead, she’s your soulmate.”

My dad: “We told Rob growing up, ‘Enjoy your youth, because sooner or later life’s gonna beat the crap out of you.’ Some guys, if they’re lucky, their bachelor party goes on until dawn — your bachelor party’s been going on for the past 15 freakin’ years!”

After everyone had had their fun, it was my turn to dish it out.

On Danko: “How ironic is it that the same guy whose name has become synonymous with growing actually stopped growing himself back in sixth grade?”

On Paul: “Paul’s head is so big that when it rains, his clothes don’t get wet.”

On Cantrell: “You may have seen Rob on Last Comic Standing … he was the guy who lost. And what’s up with that ’fro, dude? You look like Scooter from The Muppet Show after one too many oil hits.”

On Tim: “I met Tim through our friend Mistress Juliya from Fuse TV. Tim is so far up Juliya’s ass she has to ask his permission to take a shit.”

On Jose: “Other than Cheech Marin, you are the weediest wetback I know. Hey, Jose — what do you call a group of stoned Mexicans? Baked beans!”

After all the lambasting and laughter were over, we headed downstairs for some good old-fashioned headbanging. All-girl tribute band Judas Priestess brought the metal, Doobie Award winners Cycle of Pain laid it down, then thunder-boogie band Atomic Bitchwax drove it on home. All in all, it was an epic end to my reign as a pot playboy and a heartwarming start to my new life as a family man.

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