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Radical Rant: American City Approves Radical Public Drug Use Policies

Russ Belville

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In a move that has stunned political observers, the mayor of American City has approved sweeping new reforms in drug laws designed to accept the reality that residents in this typical town in the United States enjoy drug use.

“There’s no use in pretending that what we’re doing is working,” said American City Mayor John Q. Public, the lead proponent of the new drug laws, at a press conference Friday. “Our new public drug use initiative will emphasize personal responsibility by drug users while raising tax revenues in this difficult economy.”

Included in the proposal is a system of licensing public buildings where adult drug users can gather to take drugs together and socialize.

“We’re excited about the concept,” remarked hopeful drug building entrepreneur John Small Berries, who attended the press conference in support of Mayor Public’s proposal. “We plan on providing a safe place for people to have fun while they mingle and take drugs. We have built a great dance floor, and we’ll have DJs and live bands, some pool tables and video games, and a kitchen with some food options.”

According to Mayor Public, the licensing will also extend to special events where adults can take drugs together in parks and at festivals, as well as licensing for restaurants and movie theaters to allow for drug taking on their premises.

Critics of the proposal include Rev. John Bigboote, president of American City Interfaith Defense. Bigboote responded to Mayor Public’s plan via Skype following the press conference, citing studies showing that drug use increases traffic risks and has negative health outcomes.

“How are people getting to and from these drug buildings? On the bus?” Bigboote asked. “The plans for these buildings include parking lots, that’s how. We’re going to be licensing hundreds of buildings in American City where people gather to take drugs that we know will impair them, and then we’re going to let them drive home on the roads, endangering the public!”

Mayor Public responded to critics like Bigboote by emphasizing that strong laws still exist to punish drivers who are too impaired behind the wheel.

“We’ve established clear limits in our public drug use statutes to determine when an adult is too impaired to operate a vehicle," he said. "We expect adults to understand and respect these limits. Taxes on public drug use will also pay for extra patrols of police officers specifically trained to apprehend people who’ve taken too much drugs and become a danger on the roads.”

While the American City proposal focuses mostly on adults taking mild-altering drugs in public settings for entertainment, it will also create a system of licensing drug dealers and dealing establishments and allow for production of small batches of drugs at home for personal use.

“Some adults may choose to take drugs by themselves or with others in private settings,” explained Mayor Public. “Rather than enriching black market manufacturers and dealers of drugs whose products can blind or kill consumers, we’ve embarked on a plan to license the production, distribution and retail sale of these mind-altering substances.”

The mayor also emphasized how his plan protects youth.

“Our drug dealers will be strictly licensed and regulated," he said. "They will be required to check the identification of drug purchasers and face strong penalties for supplying drugs to minors. While no plan will stop all drug use by minors, I trust our plan more than I trust unregulated criminals to protect kids.”

There will also be some latitude for drug use in the workplace, though Mayor Public’s plan stops short of allowing for mind-altering drug use at work. Drugs with a stimulant effect that cause little degree of mind alteration will be allowed for those employers who opt in.

“You gotta understand that early hours, late hours, long shifts, that’s a reality in the American City workplace,” said John Ya Ya, manager of an American City office building, who attended the press conference. “Our office plans to supply liquid stimulants to all employees, paid for through a company fund. For our employees who prefer inhaling an herbal stimulant, we will allow them to take occasional breaks to consume their drugs outdoors. We’ve even paid for a small outdoor shelter from the elements for our employees who consume herbal stimulant drugs.”

Rev. Bigboote wasn’t sanguine about the new workplace rules, either.

“What about productivity?” he asked, noting that some of Mr. Ya Ya’s employees will be spending around 20 minutes per break, up to four times a day, in the process of preparing and consuming these stimulants.

“Maybe there is some short-term benefit in getting employees all hopped up on stimulants,” Bigboote continued, “but at what long-term cost in stress and cardiovascular health?” Bigboote provided links to studies confirming heart risks for users of liquid stimulants and severe cancer risks from inhaling the smoke from herbal stimulants.

Mayor Public concluded with a listing of the drugs included in the proposal and the terminology to be used in the licensing.

“For the public entertainment side, we’re going to start with ethanol and the licenses to dispense it will be called ‘liquor licenses’,” said the mayor. “The drug dealing establishments will be called ‘taverns’ or ‘bars’ or ‘nightclubs,’ depending on certain factors. The owners will employ specially-trained dealers that will be called ‘bartenders.. In the workplace, we’ll limit the stimulant drugs to caffeine and nicotine, to be consumed at specific periods called ‘coffee breaks’ and ‘smoke breaks.’”

During the ensuing question and answer period, John Parker, president of the American City chapter of NORML, the National Organization for the Reform of Marijuana Laws, asked if cannabis would be included in either the social public drug use proposal or for medical cannabis users in the workplace drug use proposal.

“Absolutely not!” exclaimed Mayor Public. “We can’t have a bunch of stoners running around in public smoking weed! Imagine the carnage on the roads! Imagine the danger in the workplace! For heaven’s sake, won’t somebody please think of the children?!?”

(Photo Courtesy of Google Play)

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