‘The Machine’ Keeps the Party Going

Bert Kreischer just wants to get high and hug.
Kreischer
Photo by Todd Rosenberg

Crusher of irreverent comedy and podcasts, master storyteller, and the king of all parties, Bert Kreischer is a man of many hats—and it would seem, few shirts. There are numerous things that keep “The Machine” running, and one of them happens to be that sweet, sweet green (although he prefers his green in a shade of Blue Dream). We sense he’s down for more than just that though because, let’s be real, what isn’t this man down for?

Traveling across the country on The Berty Boy Tour while also recording his popular podcasts Bertcast and 2 Bears 1 Cave (co-hosted by Tom Segura), Kreischer is partying and puffing the whole way. Before his stops in Colorado and Canada, this insanely busy bear made time to chat with High Times about his weed preferences, high hobbies, and cringeworthy cannabis memories. Spoiler: You’re gonna want his life.

High Times: How old were you the first time you smoked weed, and how did you get it?

Bert Kreischer: I was 15 years old. We went to a pool hall in West Tampa, [Florida] and we bought weed from a big Native American dude. It’s so funny because nowadays, I look back and think it was so hard to get back then. We walked to a pool hall, and my buddy Sal went in. I don’t even know how we knew that we could get it from that guy. Back then, it was almost like panning for gold. You go in there like, “Does anyone have weed in here?” It’s that fucking crazy.

Oh yeah, back then, it was like my friend’s third cousin said if you “ask for Earl,” you can get a 40 and a dime bag. So we’d drive an hour away for “Earl.” Do you remember the first song that you got high to?

Yup! Pink Floyd’s Comfortably Numb. We planned it! We went to my friend’s house and turned on Pink Floyd because we were told that’s what you get high to. So, we smoked weed, and I waited for the song to get better. All I knew was that the song was supposed to get fucking good! I didn’t get high the first time because it didn’t work. Everyone was like, “Yeah, you don’t get high your first time. It’s your second time or third time.” My buddy came in and was like, “It’s my third time, and I’m really high.” I was like, “Oh man! I can’t wait until I’m three times in!” It’s so crazy because we did all the stereotype things you “should” do if you’re smoking weed. It was all stuff someone’s older brother had done. My buddy was like, “Hey, if I put this jar over my head, you won’t hear me speak.” Then, as he pretended to put a jar over his head, he’d stop talking, and we’d all laugh at the dumbest fucking joke because we thought, I guess, we’re supposed to laugh.

Photo by Todd Rosenberg

When did your “third time” finally hit?

I smoked weed a bunch from freshman to sophomore year. It wasn’t until my junior year of high school that I got really fucking high. Like, really high where I had a panic attack and thought, “Oh fuck. This is a drug.” I was like, “Oh shit, it’s working this time. I can’t feel my face.” We rolled the joint out of the back pages of the bible, and I was like, “God’s getting even with me! Fuck!”

Good God. Literally. What’s the highest you’ve been as an adult, and how did you get there?

I was pretty high last night! There’s a club in Toronto that you can do stand-up at, and Doug Benson told me, “Write your set down because you will forget your set just from the contact high.” The smoke was so thick that five minutes into my set, I was high, and my throat was burning.

Edibles are the thing that fuck me up the most, though. Joey Diaz gave my dad edibles one Easter, but he didn’t know it, so I took them too, so he wasn’t high by himself. We had one of the best conversations. We were drinking whiskey, high as fuck sitting in my backyard having a cigar. I said to my dad, “I feel like you don’t like me at times.” He just goes, high as fuck, “You make me uncomfortable.” My dad was high as shit, and he goes, “You know, I lost my dad at a young age and I’m afraid I’m going to lose you because your lifestyle makes me uncomfortable.” I asked what I could do to fix it and he said he wanted me to go to a cardiologist of his choice to have the tests that he felt like needed to be run. I was like, “Of course! I want a better relationship with you.” He was like, “This is the greatest night ever!” Two weeks later, I went to the cardiologist and had everything scanned and tested.

And then did you roll up some weed in the cardiologist report and smoke it?

I should have! I should’ve been like, thank God marijuana was here the night Joey Diaz roofied my dad!

What is your go-to weed on the road, and what’s it like when fans bring you any type of drug these days?

After I was roofied by Ari Shaffir, I started becoming very skeptical about everything. I never once thought about it before. Now I’m very specific. I have my own weed, and I have a certain strain that I like, which is Blue Dream. It makes me feel very comfortable. It makes me feel relaxed, so I can sleep better too. I also have a couple vape pens in rotation and some Durban Poison and Jack Herer, a couple strains that are good creative ones.

Even though I don’t think everyone can pull them off, I want to support your passion for Speedos. Mostly because I hear they make you “swim like a fucking dolphin.”

Water is fucking fascinating when you’re high. I always end up in a Speedo, high, and in the pool every time I get high when I’m home. Every fucking time. I end up in my Polar Plunge, or I end up in my pool—it’s my favorite thing. The first time I realized how great water is when you’re high was when we were having a pool party, so there were a bunch of kids there. We also hired two lifeguards, so everyone felt really comfortable. One of the dads was like, “Hey, you wanna get high?” I said, “Yeah sure, we’ll get high.” I just ended up in the pool playing sharks and minnows with the kids laughing hysterically like, this is fucking awesome! And I was in a Speedo, so you know I was like a dart in that water!

Photo by Troy Conrad

I don’t understand how you became the coolest human alive. Your promos? Also cool. Do you come up with those, or are they a group effort?

I wish they were a group effort! We have a drone and it’s literally about turning on the camera and figuring something out. We just made one for Red Rocks Amphitheatre in Colorado in the middle of nowhere. I had some ski pants that I just bought, and we grabbed the drone to make it look like I had just got done hiking. Red Rocks is going to be the best because they tell you that you can either leave the venue right when you get off stage or you can hang out. But if you hang out, you have to stay for three hours while traffic leaves. Three hours? You get a caterer there and you plan a party there! Why wouldn’t you stay in Red Rocks and party? There’s no one there!

Because people don’t think like you. Please refer back to “you being the coolest.”

Yeah, people are like, “Get me the fuck out of here,” and I’m like, “Keep me at this venue!” Last time I did Red Rocks, we were having a party, and everyone is backstage. Around midnight, no one is in this venue, so I go out to the stage with a joint and a cocktail. I lit the joint and sat there and looked up at the stars and rocks thinking, “Fuck, I just did this!” It was the greatest. I’m looking forward to that moment again after the show.

Any thoughts on uninvited party crashers?

I’m so unaware of everything that’s going on. I played The Greek [Theatre in Los Angeles], and it was so fucking fun, and the security was slam-packed. People were coming up to the stage to give me joints, and I was like, “Yeah! This is great!” I was just oblivious to all of it and why there was so much security. I was like, “Don’t charge me for the extra security! That’s on you!” I also think if you’re one of my fans, and you come rushing the stage, you’re gonna get winded. If you do that and get past security, just give me a hug.

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This article appears in the August 2022 issue of High Times. Subscribe here.

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