US Govt Buys PDAs to Prevent an Insurgence of Young Stoners

Uncle Sam and his legion of dope fighting cronies have embarked on an unusual mission to prevent the youth of American from succumbing to the dastardly perils of marijuana addiction – buying them mobile devices and PDAs armed with daily doses of anti-drug swill.

Although the idea of the government purchasing propaganda tablets for teens in hopes of persuading them to stay away from the Devil’s leaf sounds like a chapter out of Huxley’s Brave New World, not only is the program very real, but the powers that be have already given it their official seal of approval. The U.S. Department of Health & Human Services recently awarded $242,381 to the Children’s Hospital Corporation for the purchase of mobile devices that will be used to determine what inflicts young minds with the urge to get stoned.

“The epidemic of marijuana use disorders among young people mandates research to develop novel approaches to prevention and treatment. Emotional states and social contexts are associated with desire to use marijuana, suggesting that interventions may be more effective if administered in real life, as triggers for use are being experienced,” reads the program description.

The study will be conducted with young people between the ages of 15 and 24 who report using marijuana at least three times per week. These participants will use the PDAs to journal their lab rat experience, which researchers claim will be made more tolerable with electronic messages of encouragement, delivered daily to help them through any withdrawals they may endure.

Researchers believe that employing the use of “technological intervention” could be the answer to ending the plague of marijuana addiction in teens. “Effective interventions are desperately needed for youth with marijuana use disorders, who are at peak risk for adverse consequences, but have been underrepresented in treatment research,” reads the project documentation. “The proposed intervention, efficient yet reinforced in real time and in real life contexts, has the potential for tremendous impact on the large population of youth seen in primary care who frequently use marijuana.”

This is not the first time Uncle Sam has financed a ridiculous study aimed at using technology to prevent the inception of young stoners. Last year, the government paid over $700,000 for the development of a smartphone app that promotes physical fitness over high times.

1 comment
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