Perhaps this has happened to you: you’ve just finished off a joint. Maybe the edible has just hit. Or perhaps you’ve just put down your bong, or vape pen, or whatever other space-aged weed tech has just the shelves. There’s only one thing on your mind: snack time.
You walk (because we don’t condone stoned driving!) over to your local convenience store or 7-Eleven. But now that you’re in there staring at the rows, the multitude of options, the sensory overload that is the snack world—you panic. What do you even want?
Lucky for you, we whipped up this handy little cheat sheet. Use it wisely.
The Ice Cream Sandwich King: Nestle Toll House Cookie Sandwich
For some reason, Klondike and Tofutti Cuties are sitting up there in their gilded towers reaping all of the love in the ice cream sandwich world, while the true hero barely ever gets mentioned. That’s right, The Nestlé Toll House Chocolate Chip Cookie Sandwich is the one true king of the Ice Cream throne. The chocolate chip cookie works harmoniously with the ice cream in ways that us mere mortals can barely comprehend.
The Crown Jewel of 7-Eleven’s Hot Food Section: Buffalo Chicken Roller
You might have overlooked the Buffalo Chicken Roller. It’s not exactly what 7-Eleven is best known for when it comes to their hot food. However, you should know by now that the hot dogs are disgusting and the taquitos will slowly destroy you from the inside over the course of 1,000 years like the Sarlacc.
The Buffalo Chicken Roller is much more manageable. The genetic makeup of said product is a huge mystery, but no matter. It’s delicious.
The ‘Ole Faithfuls: Cheddar and Sour Cream Ruffles
Things change as we get older. Places change, people change, snacks change. But you know what doesn’t change?
Cheddar and Sour Cream Ruffles. These guys were there for you back in the day. They’re here for you now. And they’ll be here for you for the rest of your life.
The Finger Hats: Bugles
In Blade Runner, humans perform what they call a “Voight-Kampff test” on people to see if they are truly human, or if they are just actually androids impersonating humans.
I propose a far easier method than the Voight-Kampff test: give somebody a bag of Bugles. If that person doesn’t immediately put the Bugles on each of their fingers like little wizard hats, then guess what: that person is an android and they need to be “retired.”
The Candy Bar King: Snickers
What is there to say about Snickers that hasn’t already been said? We already handed them the Best Candy Bar award, but that doesn’t mean we’re done singing Snickers’ praises. Peanut, chocolate, caramel, and nougat are all you truly need in a candy bar. Snickers is a grand slam every time.
The One We’re Lucky to Still Have: Hostess
Remember when Hostess went out of business for a little while? It was like a spooky episode of Black Mirror. Truly the stuff of nightmares.
The point is, Hostess is back, and you need to stock up.
The One Way Ticket to Crunchtown: Corn Nuts
For a true crunch connoisseur, the Corn Nuts crunch is flawless. Grab a bag, crunch away, and find yourself transported back to the days of yore. Jalapeño Cheddar or Ranch flavor should do the trick.
The Comfort Pint: Haagen-Dazs Coffee Ice Cream
A pint of Haagen-Dazs may be synonymous with a night in after a terrible breakup, but it’s up to us to bust that image wide open. Their Coffee flavor is one of the best ice cream flavors that exists. Good luck not eating the entire pint.
The One You Didn’t Even Know They Sold: Muddy Buddies
Remember in college when your friend would burst into your dorm and remind you that you had a test the next day, but you’d completely forgotten, but she was there to help you study, but you didn’t want to study, so instead you smoked weed, and she was a much better student than you and she knew you would smoke weed so she brought you a big bag full of homemade muddy buddies in order to coax you into studying for the test, but you just ended up eating the entire bag of muddy buddies and not actually studying, and then somehow passed the class anyways?
Oh, just me?
Anyways, Muddy Buddies are great and Chex Mix mass produces them.
The Sour Candy Holy Grail: Sour Patch Kids
Of all the different sour gummies that exist — and there are many — Sour Patch Kids has stood the test of time. They are an elite-level movie watching snack and should be in your hands as often as possible. Even with the addition of Blue, which is a flavor I cannot comprehend, they still rock quite hard. Get them in your rotation.
The Coma Potion: Marie Callender’s Mini Chicken Pot Pie
You ever had one of these things? For something only the size of a fist, they sure are one of the heaviest possible things you can eat. But it’s hard to care too much — a nice Marie Callender’s pot pie might just be the single best frozen food you can buy. Just prepare yourself for a massive food coma.
The Nutrition Faker: Dark Chocolate Cherry Kind Bar
You tell yourself it’s a health bar, but c’mon, it’s loaded with chocolate.
Who cares. It’s so tasty.
The Freeze Daddy: York Peppermint Patty
We’ve got a multi-step process here which naturally can become a burdon when you’re in the green, but it’s more than worth it. Pop a York into the freezer for an hour and reap the rewards tenfold.
The Quench: AriZona “Iced Tea”
Two quick notes: One, AriZona doesn’t really have the iced tea part in quotation marks (I put them in because to call it iced tea seems like a lie). Two: apparently the Z in AriZona is capitalized. I’ve only just learned this.
AriZona Iced Teas, if you’re not familiar, are those 85-foot iced tea cans that somehow only cost 99 cents at every convenience store in the world. They come in about ten million different flavors, and will pair nicely with practically any other stoney snack you’re chowing down on.
The Brown Cow Special: Chocolate Milk
Don’t you ever, even for one minute, let yourself forget how good chocolate milk is. Not ever.
The Guilty Pleasure Supreme: 7-Eleven Egg Salad Sandwich
There is something you need to know about me, and the reason I’m telling you this last is because if you had read it any earlier, you would have thrown your computer or phone into the sea.
One of my biggest guilty pleasures in this world is the egg salad sandwich that 7-Eleven makes. I don’t know. I can’t explain it. They barely use any mayo, so it’s not some soppy, gross mess. It’s very good. If I’m a few joints deep, I can’t resist. I implore you to give it a shot.
Double points if you pair it with some chocolate milk.