The holidaze are here, and you’re back at you parents' house, but there’s no reason you shouldn’t be able to stuff your face with Thanksgiving turkey or whatever other festive meal without getting a little high first. Being sneaky with the smelliest herb on Earth takes some ingenuity—true stoner ingenuity at its best—to pull off, so check out some tips from the professionals. How careful you need to be will depend on what you’re up against, but it never hurts to be armed with as many tactics as possible.
Edibles Are Your Friends
It can’t go without mentioning that edibles are one of the stealthiest ways of getting stoned. Eat a loaded brownie or a few gummy bears before the festivities, but try to time it so you’re not stoned until people crack open their Christmas ales—that way, nobody will notice your red eyes. Of course, if you don’t have access to retail goodies of that caliber, don’t try and make them at your parents’ house. Check out this recipe for Chocolate Crinkle Cookies, but make them where the oven isn’t about to have a turkey in it.
Use An Oil Vape Pen
If you’re not a fan of edibles and prefer to puff, use an oil vape pen. Hash oil vapor only really smells like weed if you vape it in large quantities, like doing a dab. As long as you’re familiar with how sensitive your parents’ noses are to the smell of weed, you can just do it in a separate room, and nobody should notice.
Dabbing Works, Sort Of
Dabbing doesn’t smell quite as much as smoking weed and might work for certain people in certain situations. Simply blowing the vapor out of the window is enough to hide most of the smell, just make sure no one can see it billowing. You have to cover the sound of the torch and the bubbling water with some music or some other background noise. When hiding everything after you finish, keep in mind that the nail and the tip of the torch are still very hot. If you can make enough space for them in a drawer so they don’t touch anything, great. If you can’t store them without touching something, and you don’t want to wait for them to cool down, put them right outside on the windowsill. They should cool down about twice as fast if it’s cold out. Traveling with a rig and torch can be too bulky for some, but there are small rigs and small torches out there, if you really just want to do dabs. If you like to do really big dabs, read the section about smoking and follow those tips.
No Oil, No Edibles, No Worries
Here’s where the actual ingenuity comes into play: smoking weed. If going outside isn’t an option, or if you don’t feel like you should have to, there are still ways to get high in a house without creating too much smell. There are two main ways of going about this: you can do it in your bedroom or in the bathroom before taking a shower. For transporting everything, make sure you have doob tubes, jars, smell-proof bags and a bag or jar big enough to fit your pipe so it doesn’t stink up your room.
Smoking In The Shower
If you have a bathroom with a ceiling extractor fan, and a way for you to get right up close to it, you’re in business. Turn on the fan, run the water (it can be cold water so you save on utilities), stand on the toilet and carefully make sure that every wisp of smoke goes straight into the vent. It may seem like overkill, but this is absolutely the most foolproof way of getting high in the morning at your parents house. If you don’t blow all the smoke directly into the fan, the room will still smell a little bit by the time you’re done showering—a big concern if there’s someone waiting to use the bathroom right after because you’ve taken so long. Disposing of the ash in the toilet doesn’t always work; sometimes a few bits will remain if the flush isn’t strong enough. Gather it in a piece of toilet paper, ball it up, and then flush it.
If you can roll good joints quickly, that’s what you should use. Smoking a bowl works too, but keep in mind you’ll need to carry it with you back and forth from the shower, which isn’t an ideal situation. Roll a joint in your room, spray air freshener, close the door, and all you need to carry to the bathroom is the joint and a lighter. If you do have to smoke a bowl, pack it in the shower so you don’t have to carry it packed.
Smoking In Your Room
There are a lot of ways you can do this, and it depends on what you have access to and how sensitive the noses of your adversaries are. Most stoners are familiar with the “sploof,” a paper towel roll stuffed with dryer sheets and tissues. Exhaling through it gently masks the smell, but the room you’re in will still smell like pot. You can point the sploof out the window, but air currents might blow it right back in. Weed will still burn in the bowl after you hit it, and that smoke will avoid the sploof and give you away. Some metal pipes have little screw on attachments that allow air in through a small hole; the flame goes through this when you hit it, then you cap it with your thumb quickly so no smoke comes out. To really be 100 percent safe, get a small window fan to exhale through, and you could even smoke a joint, if you hold it by the fan the entire time. Small computer fans rigged with AC-DC adapters that you can plug into the wall work great because they’re small enough to travel with and hide without a hassle. Keep in mind that the sound of sparking a lighter can carry to the other side of a closed door; play some music. You could even light a candle, then just "grab the flame" from there afterward so you only have to spark the lighter once—instead of every time you hit the bowl.
What About Flower Vape Pens?
Vape pens for dry buds smell less than smoking, but still smell a little more than breaking up weed, and probably even a little more than even doing a dab. Their advantage over smoke is that the smell of vaporized ganja doesn’t linger as long as smoke, but it still lingers. Blowing it through a sploof works excellently, but it’ll still help to blow it out the window as well. You could use a fan too, but it might be overkill. If you use a flower pen before showering, you should certainly have the fan on, but don't worry so much about blowing it through the extractor fan.
Be Careful With The Air Freshener
Air freshener can be useful, but don’t let it give you away. Never spray too much or people will become suspicious, and you might even want to hide the bottle. A better investment might be a plug-in air freshener that consistently releases perfume so you always have some in the background.
(Photo credit: Indoor Critical+ by Julien Ricco)
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