In these weird, scary, and stressful time, we all could use a little humor. This is a list of 42 stupid stoner quips, puns, and jokes about parenting and weed. Read ‘em and laugh, or read ‘em and weep—your choice! But whatever you do, don’t read ‘em sober.
1. Why did the mom smoke a fatty before she went to the parents’ association meeting?
Because she knew it would help her be less blunt
2. What do you call parents who connect over their love of cannabis?
3. What do you call an alien who smokes weed?
4. How does a mom stay slim during a bad case of the munchies?
She counts carbs
5. How do parents stay focused when the kids are out of control?Concentrates
6. How much weed does it take to help moms and dads relax when the kids are quarantined from school?
Just a dab
7. What do you call a cup of coffee with CBD in it?
8. Why did the church bake sale committee reprimand the parent (but then party with them later)?
Instead of using stevia in the brownies, they accidentally used sativa
9. How do dads who are bad at math help their kids with arithmetic homework?
They think about eighths and quarters, ounces and grams, dime and nickel bags
10. How do two moms whose kids haven’t been getting along at school resolve their issues?
They hash it out
11. Why was the dad mad when he and his wife divorced?
She got joint custody
12. Why are some family’s houses super messy?
Because some days when it comes to cleaning, parents just don’t ‘juana
13. Where do moms who don’t smoke weed go on vacation?
To a topical island
14. What do you call a parent who gives weed to the college dean as a bribe to let their child into the school?
15. What do you call moms who get high and then do all their recycling?
16. Why did the parents smoke extra weed the summer their child graduated from 8th grade?
They were preparing for their kid to go to high school
17. How did the mom know it was time to get toasted?
Because she heard the town clock bong twice
18. How did the high society crowd know the dad was pro-cannabis?
Because at the party, he served cheese on stoned wheat thins, smoked fish, and lots of delicious edibles
19. How did the mom make extra money to help support the family?
She started a puff-puff pastry business
20. What is the preferred breakfast for weed-loving parents?
Hash browns and greens
21. Why do some moms put certain elements from cannabis into their coffee?
To make it CBDlicious
22. What did the dad give to the stoner mom for her birthday?
A big bag of flowers
23. Why did the mom hit it off with her kid’s English tutor?
Because she agreed that weeding is fundamental
24. Why did the dad sneak pot into his carry on during a trip to Iceland?
He wanted a guaranteed sighting of northern lights
25. What’s better than a grumpy sister?
A doobie brother
26. What does a mom call the box where she stores the Js she doesn’t quite get to finish?
The roach motel
27. Why did the dad get kicked out of the zoo on a class trip?
Because he tried to introduce the bears to some weed gummy bears
28. Why didn’t the mom want to go down the alley to buy weed out of the back of the guy’s car?
Because it was too seedy
29. Why did the dad get fired from McDonald’s?
Because he was using the drive-thru to sell ¼ pounds instead of quarter pounders
30. Why did the mom send her kids to the female-run dojo?
Because there was just something that she liked about the instructor, Sensei Amelia
31. What do you call a parent who hates weed and fights to make it so people can’t have access to it?
32. Why did the dad shave off his beard?
Because he was happy as long as he had his ‘stache
33. What is a stoner mom’s favorite vegetable?
34. Where do parents hide their stash?
Between the kush-ions
35. What weather to stoner moms best like to get high in?
When it’s dank outside (or when there’s a purple haze in the sky)
36. What is a weed-loving mom’s favorite seasoning?
It’s a special blend of herbs and spices
37. What’s a quick dinner every parent loves?
A big serving of tasty nugs
38. Why couldn’t the mom offer her visiting friend any weed brownies?Because they were all ganja (gone-ja)
39. What did the mom say when her college-aged son asked for some of her stash?
Leaf me alone
40. What did the mom say when her partner came home with a big old bag of sticky icky buds for her?
Hemp Hemp hooray!
41. Why did the mom set a book on top of her husband’s hair as a table to roll her J?
Because she was trying to plant a seed in his head.
42. What happens when stoner moms go too long without their beloved weed?
They gets the shakes