When Times Get Tough, The Tough Gets Funny: Here Are 42(0) Weed Jokes

“How much weed does it take to help moms and dads relax when the kids are quarantined from school?”

In these weird, scary, and stressful time, we all could use a little humor. This is a list of 42 stupid stoner quips, puns, and jokes about parenting and weed. Read ‘em and laugh, or read ‘em and weep—your choice! But whatever you do, don’t read ‘em sober.

1. Why did the mom smoke a fatty before she went to the parents’ association meeting?
Because she knew it would help her be less blunt

2. What do you call parents who connect over their love of cannabis?

3. What do you call an alien who smokes weed?
A cannabinoid

4. How does a mom stay slim during a bad case of the munchies?
She counts carbs

5. How do parents stay focused when the kids are out of control?Concentrates

6. How much weed does it take to help moms and dads relax when the kids are quarantined from school?
Just a dab

7. What do you call a cup of coffee with CBD in it?

8. Why did the church bake sale committee reprimand the parent (but then party with them later)?
Instead of using stevia in the brownies, they accidentally used sativa

9. How do dads who are bad at math help their kids with arithmetic homework?
They think about eighths and quarters, ounces and grams, dime and nickel bags

10. How do two moms whose kids haven’t been getting along at school resolve their issues?
They hash it out

11. Why was the dad mad when he and his wife divorced?
She got joint custody

12. Why are some family’s houses super messy?
Because some days when it comes to cleaning, parents just don’t ‘juana

13. Where do moms who don’t smoke weed go on vacation?
To a topical island

14. What do you call a parent who gives weed to the college dean as a bribe to let their child into the school?

15. What do you call moms who get high and then do all their recycling?
Double green

16. Why did the parents smoke extra weed the summer their child graduated from 8th grade?
They were preparing for their kid to go to high school

17. How did the mom know it was time to get toasted?
Because she heard the town clock bong twice

18. How did the high society crowd know the dad was pro-cannabis?
Because at the party, he served cheese on stoned wheat thins, smoked fish, and lots of delicious edibles

19. How did the mom make extra money to help support the family?
She started a puff-puff pastry business

20. What is the preferred breakfast for weed-loving parents?
Hash browns and greens

21. Why do some moms put certain elements from cannabis into their coffee?
To make it CBDlicious

22. What did the dad give to the stoner mom for her birthday?
A big bag of flowers

23. Why did the mom hit it off with her kid’s English tutor?
Because she agreed that weeding is fundamental

24. Why did the dad sneak pot into his carry on during a trip to Iceland?
He wanted a guaranteed sighting of northern lights

25. What’s better than a grumpy sister?
A doobie brother

26. What does a mom call the box where she stores the Js she doesn’t quite get to finish?
The roach motel

27. Why did the dad get kicked out of the zoo on a class trip?
Because he tried to introduce the bears to some weed gummy bears

28. Why didn’t the mom want to go down the alley to buy weed out of the back of the guy’s car?
Because it was too seedy

29. Why did the dad get fired from McDonald’s?
Because he was using the drive-thru to sell ¼ pounds instead of quarter pounders

30. Why did the mom send her kids to the female-run dojo?
Because there was just something that she liked about the instructor, Sensei Amelia

31. What do you call a parent who hates weed and fights to make it so people can’t have access to it?
A canna-beeyotch

32. Why did the dad shave off his beard?
Because he was happy as long as he had his ‘stache

33. What is a stoner mom’s favorite vegetable?
Jazz cabbage

34. Where do parents hide their stash?
Between the kush-ions

35. What weather to stoner moms best like to get high in?
When it’s dank outside (or when there’s a purple haze in the sky)

36. What is a weed-loving mom’s favorite seasoning?
It’s a special blend of herbs and spices

37. What’s a quick dinner every parent loves?
A big serving of tasty nugs

38. Why couldn’t the mom offer her visiting friend any weed brownies?Because they were all ganja (gone-ja)

39. What did the mom say when her college-aged son asked for some of her stash?
Leaf me alone

40. What did the mom say when her partner came home with a big old bag of sticky icky buds for her?
Hemp Hemp hooray!

41. Why did the mom set a book on top of her husband’s hair as a table to roll her J?
Because she was trying to plant a seed in his head.

42. What happens when stoner moms go too long without their beloved weed?
They gets the shakes

  1. I have never heard of this website until just a few minutes ago, but Jessica, after reviewing some of your pieces here on High Times, I just have to leave a review.

    Jessica, this is for you. Jessica Delfino.

    This ‘article’ has me SEETHING. None of these jokes land an half of them don’t even make sense. Were you stoned writing this? Does your employer encourage you all write these articles under the influence? As I said none of these jokes land. None of these are funny, they are the epitome of CORNY jokes; Not even the good kind of corny. Why in the world are all the jokes about moms and dads, when it doesn’t even relate to the punchline. There are so many unnecessary details in these punchlines.

    Example: 17. How did the mom know it was time to get toasted?
    Because she heard the town clock bong twice

    Why is it a mom? You could remove ‘mom’ from the question and the joke would still make sense (still wouldn’t be funny). Nearly all jokes listed do this. Is this your target audience? Even then, specifically addressing your audience does not do a THING for these jokes.

    I just want to ask, my dear Jessica, why? Why would you do this? Are you fulfilled with your life, that this is what you do? Do you take comfort you write like this? Do you find these funny? Are you self aware?

    Jessica, are you happy?

    These jokes I can only imagine entertain children and the elderly. This is terrible. Do you feel bad? You should. This is regretful. I hope you feel guilt and horror for the rest of your life for this.

    1. Oh my God, I came here to say exactly this, though it wouldn’t have been nearly as eloquent. I laughed at most of these, but only because I was asking “wtf?”

  2. I’m elderly and you thought we would be amused at these jokes? No way. No joke here I care to remember.

  3. All You fools need to smoke a “J” right now. Stop crying. This shit is hilarious, Jessica! You GO Girl! And, keep em coming! Don’t listen to these party foulers. They are just trying to burn the spot.

  4. I was having a nice bustling high until I came to dis site and now it is ruined. I would been 100% sober and angry if not for the telling rebuttal from GreenGirl420.

    I’ll leave you with this parting sentiment:

    Knock knock
    Who’s there?
    We shy
    We shy who?
    Weesh I didn’t read these awful jokes!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Related Posts
Read More

New Podcast Documents Fallout of Adelanto, Its Move To Legalize Cannabis

When a failing prison town sought to change its fortune through marijuana cultivation, city council members took advantage of their power in jaw-dropping ways. Crooked Media’s new podcast series Dreamtown: Adelanto reveals what happened and documents the extraordinary fallout.