High Horoscopes | Jun. 16, 2016


Unplug and look at your love. Be romantic and caring and vulnerable. “But the world is melting around me,” you whisper to me. “I know,” I say as I pet your hair, “I know. But if this is the end, wouldn’t you rather be in a loving moment with your dearest than screaming that the sky is falling?”  “But what if I don’t have a lover?” you ask. “Oh you do, you have so many loves in your life—you just need to remember that love and romance aren’t just for lovers.” Strain recommendation: Superglue


Sexy and romantic interests might flare up soon; that heavy breathing in a dark club on a hot night kind of heat that you only see in cop movies set in Florida. A sax blows as we montage into a nighttime romp on the beach, skinny-dipping and a slow pan up to a full moon. Suddenly it’s the next day and the detectives are bantering in their inconspicuous red convertible about how rockin the sex he had was, and how it’s too bad she’s a witness on the case cuz now he can’t sleep with her again. Cut to the end, as she is escorted off in cuffs as she gives the copper the stink eye and he lands a fantastic one-liner. And that is exactly how deep and meaningful this relationship will be. Strain recommendation: Blue Widow


Don’t react when baited. Lean away for a moment and consider your options. One big option that I would highly recommend is sitting back and watching them burn it all to the ground. They will create a blazing inferno that will be seen for miles, and you will smile knowing not only is it not your fault, but that you won’t clean it up either. Screw them. Strain recommendation: Bootlegger


You’ve heard us all tell you lately to find some time to chill. You know down time is needed, but do you realize that relaxing isn’t just stopping the work and then doing something else, maybe from the ‘fun things to do’ list? It means actually halting the gerbil in your mind from running so hard his little paws bleed. If anyone needs a calm-down strain recommendation, it’s you.  Seriously, just stop. Put everything in your hands down, sit on a comfortable chair, tell everyone who can take care of themselves to bugger off, tell someone else to care for those who can’t take care of themselves for a freakin’ minute, and tune out. That’s a cosmic order. Strain recommendation: Northern Lights


You’ve been sat on this very uncomfortable chain link fence, metal bits jabbing you in the butt, dogs barking at you, for months now, if not longer. Friends try to lure you into making a decision by offering treats, family hounds and issues you threats, but still you sit. I honor your steadfastness, it is admirable—but may I ask what you need to see or hear or have fall from the sky for you to know it’s time to get off the pot? Strain recommendation: Harle-Tsu


Katherine Hamnett, a British fashion designer, made art of a slogan when she popularized the saying “Choose Life’ by emblazoning it in big bold black lettering across a white t-shirt , which was then worn by George Michael in his video for ‘Wake Me Up Before You Go Go’. You might not remember WHAM! or their massive impact but the positive attitude that radiated off their bronzed faces in the 80’s quickly faded when the 90’s grunge grime smeared happiness into the mud with its combat boots. So… you really need to harness some of that 80’s faux innocence right now, even if you really just want to sulk and pull your bangs over one eye. Fake it if you have to. Strain recommendation: Alaskan Thunder Fuck


You need to fall in love again. Your eyes are covered in sleep crust from boredom. It’s the same old town, the same goddamned people doing the same shit. Yep, it is. And you are the same you, doing the same crap, so let’s shake it up please. Find an out-of-towner, take them on a whirlwind tour of your home town. All the best, crème de la crème, nothing too rich for your blood stuff. Romance yourself in the beauty of the local park, laugh at the weird drivers, enjoy the waiter’s banter, just do it up tourist style. It’s the cheapest facelift you can get. Strain recommendation: Cherry Pie


We all have a tiny, odd-sounding, inner voice that sometimes urges us to bet the farm. “Do it, just try your luck. You are special, your boat has been waiting to come in, the universe wouldn’t let you down, fate is conspiring to land you a windfall…” or some such badly-phrased nonsense. It is a natural instinct—we needed to take some risks otherwise we’d have never left the caves, started cultivating land and making iPads. But that voice is louder for some. We all know those people—they lead exciting lives, and then not-so-cool things start to happen to them. Don’t be that guy this week. Strain recommendation: LA Confidential


You are just strutting around, peacock Shaft style—might as well be wearing mirrored shades, thigh-high boots and a fedora, and nothing else. The swag on you, my god! But you and me buddy, we know, on the inside you’re in flannel PJs and ortho headgear. What’s going on? Why are you projecting something so far from your inner reality? You need to find the midway point, or switch something up. Maybe rollerskates, ear muffs and a sequined gown? Or maybe just check in with yourself on a deeper level than usual. Strain recommendation: Pandora’s Box


It’s so nice to be home again, but another little trip would be super fun, no? You’ve got the travel bug, but that bug kinda wants to nest right now, so what do you do? Make your home the adventure—reclaim every nook, clean, jettison, redecorate, fix, modify, do an art project and slap it on the wall. Rediscover the space, accept new into your life, and release the old sentimental crap onto the sidewalk for someone else to find anew. Strain recommendation: Allen Wrench


What a rejuvenating time. Maybe a titch boring at times, yes, but you have energy now, you’re in shape, sleeping and eating better—so why are you so excited to throw it all away? I know you live a reward system life; thinking every act of sacrifice deserves a little present of exactly what you have been denying yourself in the end. This is how yoyos were created, by the way—the inventor was dating someone on Atkins. Why don’t you try thinking of denying yourself the reward as well as a new level of hard-coring it, ultimately building yourself up to the world’s best reward? And what is that? Not sure… but I bet you can come up with something better than half a bottle of Jameson’s and a bag of Cheetos. Strain recommendation: Scooby Snacks


Remember that kid’s game Red Light, Green Light? The chosen child yells “Green Light” as she turns her back on the group, and they run like starving predators to get to her first. But if she turns around screaming “Red Light” everyone has to freeze, and if they are caught moving they are out. You are the sweaty, weak, younger kid who wants to play but has terrible balance and falls over immediately once frozen.  Stick with it though, you can be like a sneaky pawn, hug the walls and eventually you will make it through unnoticed, ‘til it’s too late and you are king of the hill. Strain recommendation: Green Ribbon

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