There is a wealth of sheer depravity buried deep inside the guts of the dedicated boozehound that contributes largely to our debauched society. All one has to do is step inside the halls of Alcoholics Anonymous on any given day to hear rounds of checkered tales about how a lust for liquor has dragged these lost souls of a sudsy nation down a grave rabbit hole of raw dog promiscuity, legal complications and countless nights locked inside a foul-mouthed love affair with a toilet bowl. Indeed the grips of alcoholism is often a schizophrenic beast with puke breath just trying to make it past another vicious hangover to one more happy hour. But there is a point of no return—a rotten, stinkhole of a place, where the true bruisers of the bottle gather before the bitters end. This hellish scene, we are beyond sad to report, is apparently at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the birthplace of gravy cocktails.
Warning: You’re Going to Need a Barf Bag For This One
We recently got wind that the Colonel Sanders and his flock in the Bluegrass State have deemed it necessary to get into the alcohol business. But get this. The American restaurant chain plans to rip off a piece of the booze sector with a series of alcoholic “stocktails” made out of the “thick, meaty goodness” of its infamous fast food gravy. That’s right, these godless fiends are mixing gravy and liquor. Of course, they’ve given the drinks clever names to make them socially acceptable to the downtrodden of pop culture. These fowl beverages, which have been branded The Gravy Mary, The Finger Lickin’ Sour and The Southern Twist are supposed to appear in a variety of bars, taverns, and chicken shacks across the globe in the not so distant future.
You just puked in your mouth, didn’t you? Go ahead. We’ll give you time to clean up before moving on to the next paragraph.
This ridiculousness gets even better. When trying to explain how such a greasy idea was given the green light, one of KFC’s head mothercluckers had the nerve to say that because “our fans repeatedly express their love for our gravy”… and since “we know our gravy is good enough to drink,” it only makes sense that world’s most legendary chicken slinger would want to market gravy cocktails. After all, there’s not enough gluttony and sticky sadism in the fast food scene to keep the attention of greasy-fingered derelicts for too long. So, the Colonel figured he should hire an expert mixologist and set out on a mission to slop up society even further with a bunch of gravy drinks.
Times Are Tough, Don’t Make Them Harder By Drinking Gravy Cocktails
We truly understand and even sympathize with the stagnation that often comes from living in a world that has been sucking on the business end of a tailpipe for the better part of the past few decades. Every time we check our social media pages, it’s nothing but politics, racism and the occasional cat meme. All of it just gets so boring after a while. For some, it even takes a toll beyond most of our comprehension. Actress Katherine Hepburn aptly said, “Life is hard. After all, it kills you.”
When you look at it like that, it is perfectly understandable why the people of this great nation gravitate toward the daily use of intoxicating substances. It’s no longer a sober world. Drugs, in all of their glory, have become as much of a household staple as maple syrup and ketchup. We the people need something stronger to get through the grime of the day… to make us feel a little better about our existence on this spinning rock of impending doom. But if you are one of those dumb bastards who is actually considering making Kentucky Fried Chicken’s gravy cocktails your inebriant of choice—well, you have hit rock bottom, my friend. The party is officially over. We don’t care who you are, it will never be cool to sit down at a bar and order gravy booze.
Perhaps It Is Time to Give Weed a Try? The Gravy-Free Treat
Marijuana is now legal in eight states and the District of Columbia for recreational use. Even in those jurisdictions where the herb remains the kind of outlaw substance that can still get a person jammed up in the criminal justice system, it is relatively easy to join the ranks of stoned society without ever suffering a run-in with the law.
What’s more is studies have shown that cannabis is safer than alcohol. It’s damn sure safer than gravy! This friendly little weed has been shown to help people consume less booze, make better choices and it is incapable of driving its users to an early grave. This means you go buck wild with weed and never have to concern yourself with the possibility that, by the end of the night, you’ll wake up strapped to a gurney at the local hospital, just in time feel what it’s like to get catheterized during a fleeting snippet of consciousness. Marijuana does not bring about such mayhem. You’ll be safe. You’ll live to fight another day. By all accounts, it’s the perfect medicine to numb out the rapidly deteriorating climate of this bloody period known as the new millennium.
Final Hit: Considering Gravy Cocktails? Perhaps It’s Time to Start Smoking Weed
Even if a person is not keen on smoking marijuana and would prefer a method of consumption that more closely resembles the dance of the drunkard, there are cannabis cocktails. These tasty, rip-you-out-of-the-seat-of-your-pants, voodoo concoctions are similar to the kinky drinks people have been ordering for years at restaurants and cocktail lounges. Only these red-eye makers are mixed up with the stoned effects of marijuana rather than hard liquor.
In fact, there is an excellent book on the subject that we highly recommend to anyone looking to experiment with weed over whiskey. It is called “Cannabis Cocktails, Mocktails & Tonics: The Art of Spirited Drinks and Buzz-Worthy Libations.” Written by author Warren Bobrow, it is one of the best-documented expeditions inside the concept of cannabis-infused courage to land in our laps. It contains around 75 recipes, each showing the user step-by-step how to get stoned with class.
We are firm believers, at least as far as this story is concerned, that once a person embraces marijuana over alcohol, then and only then will they be able to enjoy gravy in the way intelligent society intended—on mashed potatoes. And lots of them!