High Horoscopes | Jun. 3, 2016


If a dear friend schooled you, in public, would it hurt any less to know they had the best of intentions? When your mother pursed her lips after you revealed your latest hairstyle, did you care that she really thought her critical fashion feedback would help you in the future? Try to put yourself in the position of receiving a mixed review from someone you value before spouting your well-thought-out, intelligent, professional opinion all over the floor this week. Perhaps it’s not your advice they are really seeking, but support from their pal as they put their vulnerable squidgy belly out there to be judged by all. Strain recommendation: Mendocino Purps


Something people tend to forget about Taureans is their massive capacity for generosity. It’s very human to assign black and white categories to world, and any information that doesn’t line up is jettisoned into the sub-conscious. ‘Taurus folk are strong, bull headed leaders, which means they couldn’t be gentle enough to give without looking for payback. I will proceed to ignore any proof of their ability to share open-heartedly’. It’s easier to take advantage of someone’s kindness when all their friends aren’t looking out for them, so targeting an obvious softie isn’t as smart as finding the secret giver. Beware of crafty manipulators. Strain recommendation: Glad Max


It feels like Wonder Woman time. You are ready to spin and spin until your tight little bustier is on, golden lasso on your hip, knee high red boots ready to go-go. Bracelet repel all the bullshit to the side, push the naysayers down—it’s accounting time! Take no prisoners, and maybe look into a high-yield long-term mutual fund. If you can’t seduce the numbers into crunching themselves, you might have to boomerang tiara a financial advisor. Don’t be shy to call for help—even the Amazonian Warriors needed back-up from time to time. Strain recommendation: Sour Willie


You’re emanating a polarizing vibe these days. You’re not mistaken; there is someone who is really not digging it, and someone else who is totally into it. When you check in with yourself, it seems like you have been giving out the same kind of energy to everyone, so why are some getting pissy and others feelin’ flirty? Neither your words nor your behavior are the culprit—it’s your pheromones. I’m afraid there is nothing you can do about those, so you might as well step back a bit and watch the peacocks display their wares before you. Strain recommendation: Dr.Funk


Ah, the old bugaboos have a way of tracking you down when you least expect it. What happened recently that made you retreat into your “trust no-one” shell? BTW, This isn’t that paranoia fallback position that you know so well, but a variety that extends only to your most valued loved one. What did they do to deserve this lack of faith?… nothing. You know this: so why can’t you un-trigger your wig-out? A wee voice from long ago is poisoning your frontal lobe with words of fear. Catch it with your meditative mind, strangle its puny throat until the words are but peeps reminiscent of a love bird song, and let that carry you back to your dear one. Strain recommendation: X-Files


When everyone is looking at you, who are you looking at? Only the most astute and opportunistic will take note. If I were hell bent on advancement, I wouldn’t spend as much time ogling the successful people, like you, as I would analyzing what they want next. Only then could I jump ahead in line. The pack may be happy for your scraps, but the king of the jungle is no scavenger. You may want to adjust your gaze a bit, if your sights are too clearly set, then someone might spot what they are, and then you will be vulnerable to usurpation. Strain recommendation: Alaska


The monkey is a wildly entertaining animal. If I wanted to distract you from your path, I would employ a little simian to meet you at the fork in the road. It’s quite difficult to make a decision with all that cute bouncing about and prehensile manipulation. Your intellect is most definitely smart enough to figure this out as well; so when you face an unwanted choice, it might send your monkey mind into your consciousness to ease you away from what it perceives to be a potentially painful moment. Problem is, your intellect doesn’t care about your emotional growth or moral responsibility. If you see the monkey dancing, please send in the morality squad carrying emotional firehoses to douse the little scamp. Strain recommendation: Glass Slipper


Loners used to be cool. Leaning on street lamps at night, all mysterious, wearing black, smoking cigarettes. Back when society began valuing the individual over the community, the outsider was the paragon of nouveau neat-o. Now that we are returning to the community love again, loners seem sad and somewhat antiquated. The cinematic trope of the Gen X style 90’s introvert who just needs the right person to help bring them out of their shell is passé, so why are you cultivating this status? Get out of your head, and let that new lover in. Strain recommendation: Sexpot


Planetary sweetness is dishing out the moolah to the Sags this week. You could almost pick it off the trees at this point. The only way you could come out of this time with less cash than you had going in would be if you took absolutely zero advantage of your opportunities. I mean, if the fish are actually diving into your boat with slices of lemon in their mouths, don’t waste your time futzing with hooks and bait; grab a shovel and a bag. In fact, if you screw this manna up, next week the powers that be might just mess with you for the fun of it. Strain recommendation: Pineapple Thai


Sometimes when you are playing with a cat, it’s best to move the stick with the fuzzy tail stuck to the end of it very quickly and then let it hit the floor and slowly creep off around a corner – then, just before it disappears from the cat’s view, jerk it away super-fast. Well you are the cat, your career is the toy and the universe is teasing you from just out of your sight line. Don’t be a silly kitten. Turn around, with a haughty air of superiority if you can muster it, and go spend some time with the humans that love you. You can tackle that toy later, once the universe gets bored trying to lure you into silly traps. Strain recommendation: Sweet Jane


When I think of Aquarians I don’t envision great communicators talking out their inner demons, analyzing and debating their life choices with a string of close friends and relatives. Aquarians have many wonderful qualities, but self-investigation is slow and rare. Although it is as welcome to you as a catheter insertion, I urge you to get that stuff out of you. Enema out your pain and suffering, please. It’s getting a bit backed up in there and sooner or later you might have a verbal accident and unload a mess somewhere and on someone undeserving. Strain recommendation: Blue Satellite


You know that childlike giddiness that can leap upon you when you realize you just made a new friend? You won’t experience the excitement as you did when you were a kid, but a little thrill might pass quietly through your tummy and a warm glow may heat your chest a bit. There are quite a few potentials hovering in your vicinity these days. You have a nice batch of new recruits to choose from. Don’t let any of your old crowd influence your decision here—you don’t need someone just like them, you need fresh blood to help you discover your coolest undiscovered inner hotspots. Strain recommendation: Jack Flash

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