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High Horoscopes | Oct. 13, 2016

Aelie Câlin

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The HIGH TIMES weekly astrological forecast, complete with strain recommendations!

Ask Aelie anything! Find her on Facebook and Twitter.

Aries

The dust has finally settled—but instead of taking a moment to enjoy breathing freely, your asthma kicks in. If you make a move to leave, the piles of dust around you will blow up again, and you’ll be back in a storm of your own making, standing still, surrounded by it all, hindering your breathing. How can you extricate yourself from this without having to go through it all again? The only answer is a deus ex machina. Someone lowers a rope with a gas mask and a harness. The only thing you have to do is to keep your eyes open so you can see the rope being lowered, and then receive the gift from the sky without shame.  If you block yourself off from receiving kindness and help you will be breathing in crap for a long time to come. Strain recommendation: Purple Haze

Taurus

How to be an explorer with a family? You just want to live your life in freedom and joy, but you miss those you left behind. If only you had a little companion—but your tastes are so specific that no one can follow along without sacrificing some of their own ambitions. Does this mean you are doomed to forever live in between places, always missing one while enjoying the other? Will they print “The grass was always greener” on your tombstone? Perhaps. Or you can change the narrative by welcoming loneliness as a reminder to invest in the ones you’re with. Make deeper connections everywhere you go, and ease off the personal ambition pedal just enough to solidify some lasting friendships, so that everywhere you go is home. Strain recommendation: God’s Gift

Gemini

A plant’s leaves will lean towards the light. That’s why it is advised to rotate your lights so your ladies grow upright. I’ve seen shelf-loads of plants pouring themselves out of their pots and smashing themselves up against windows. Why didn’t their owner notice? They’re alive so they have been getting watered, and there are a lot of them, so their owner must love herb, but dust is covering the leaves and cobwebs are linking them together. If you were to see this, would you deem the owner neglectful, only doing the minimum, purposely ignoring the plant’s struggle because they can’t be bothered? Or would you think that everyone is entitled to raise their plants as they choose, and that allowing them to grow and commune naturally with their environment is a healthy choice? Yes, this is a metaphor dummy: your inner-you is the plants and your outer-you is the owner, and it’s no one else’s business how you deal with your stuff as long as you are healthy enough, and happy. Strain recommendation: Girl Scout Cookies

Cancer

It’s colder outside now. Your contract is finished. You have the place to yourself for a few days. The fridge is stocked. Perfect time to start that novel, or unpack those old boxes… you could at least sweep the kitchen. Nope. Nope nope nope. You are going to curl up with your cat, wrap yourselves in a chenille blanket and sleep/smoke/watch videos for 3 days straight. And you are not going to feel guilty about it! Well, you will, and it will mess with your head a bit. Being a schlump who doesn’t even want to take a shower, let alone make food that will take more than two minutes to nuke, can play with your self esteem. So how about this: you can have three days only. And then seriously you have to get up. If you don’t, this is going to become a problem, no joke. Strain recommendation: Chocolope

Leo

We are all more easily frustrated by unappealing qualities in others when we fear we share them. Leos often fight with themselves when it comes to being social: they have vanity that needs to be stroked, but their insecurities and shyness make that difficult. When they see others easily soliciting and accepting flattery they are irritated, but then they tire of shrinking violets quickly, preferring the exuberant energy of the stars in the room. Navigating this duality can become a preoccupation for Leos unless they accept their own dichotomy and recognize that they will always be a little uncomfortable in both situations. Once that is allowed, the push and pull should become a little less painful. Strain recommendation: White Rhino

Virgo

I once saw a horoscope for Virgo that recommended you take a hot bath. It has stayed with me as a good example of a ridiculous piece of advice that could be applicable to almost everyone at anytime. Even more banal than a platitude, it disguises itself as specifically helpful yet cares nothing for who you are, what you are going through or how to solve your problems. In opposition to this, I will also advise you to take a soak, but in a outdoor hot tub, at night. Add: bubbles to the jet pumps, a sexy partner in crime and some funky tunes. Then, and this is the most important part, have some awesomely, mind-numbing sex. That is precisely what you need my Virgo friend, this week in October in 2016. Let it all hang out and spread some fun all over you. Strain recommendation: Dragon’s Breath

Libra

If ever you were to Beyoncé strut through the office, now’s the time. Lemonade that gorgeous Libran booty of yours right into your boss’ office chair. “I deserve more,” you’ll whisper. And with a nod of understanding you’ll leave with a promotion, raise and a high five. Catwalk that corridor, tell Barb at the front desk you’re on lunch, then leave for the day. This is the only week to try this though, seriously, if you attempt this next week it will come off like Mary J. Blige singing Bruce Springsteen at Hillary Clinton. Awkward AF. Strain recommendation: Charlie Sheen

Scorpio

Lean back and let them come to you. It’s a great trick; when approached by a potential suitor, take half a step back and lean away from them. Make them feel like they need to impress you, to work harder for approval out of fear of humiliating rejection. Or you could not be a manipulative jerk and just meet the person face to face, honestly and with vulnerable humility. It’s up to you entirely: this week, people will flock to you no matter what you do. So which side will you show them? The compassionate Scorpio who is a fascinating creature with complex beauty, or the power-hungry scorpion that lures you in while controlling your moves with their hovering stinger? Strain recommendation: Super Silver Haze

Sagittarius

So, Trump is Gemini—a changeable showman, able to keep on top of a million things at once. Clinton is a Scorpio: ambitious, unyielding and independent. But you, Sagittarius—the easily distracted, life-lover with wanderlust—will be the winner this week. When I think of you, I hear the Rocky theme and see you running up those steps in Philly, thrusting your arms in the air triumphantly. Your sense of humor has come back full force, you are charming the pants off everybody you meet, your generosity is being rewarded tenfold and everyone you love is happy! Take it all in. Maybe initiate a new project or take a few chances; all will likely come out in your favor. Strain recommendation: Black Cherry Soda

Capricorn

Inspiration can be very hard to come by, and trying to create something from nothing is a frustrating prospect. However, using this as an excuse not to try is a good way to get the Muses pissed off at you. If you are being lazy then at least admit it to yourself. You know, Inspiration isn’t always immediately ready get intimate; it needs a little warming up. Would a little “How’s your day been dear” kill you? Get the mood lighting right, and seduce Inspiration properly. And even then, you have to put in foreplay time. If you think Inspiration is going to roll over for you without any effort you are being an entitled dick. Strain recommendation: Double Dream

Aquarius

This little break has come just in time. You were set to auto-destruct, but Cosmic MacGyver stopped your timer at 00:01 using nothing but gum and a paperclip. So happy that you can recalibrate now, get your happiness on and release some anger. My only advice is to take a few moments out during the party to reflect on how you let the destructive energies build up so much. Just recently you’ve shown remarkable promise towards figuring out how to release some bad vices, so now would be a good time to really acknowledge how good it feels to be healthier. Recognizing progress can be as important as the progress itself. Strain recommendation: Yoda OG

Pisces

Where is that low, throbbing beat of indistinguishable dance music coming from? No lyrics or tune can be deciphered through the walls, but the repeating electronic drum and base is relentless. Every once in a while the pattern shifts slightly, but not enough to cause relief, in fact, it seems almost to mock your frustration. The music is at such a low frequency that it’s impossible to figure out from what direction it originates, so you have no way to stop it without potentially disturbing 5 sets of innocent neighbors. Drowning it out with your own music will just bother everyone else around you. This is that moment when you remember that the only way through this is to go within. To meditate away your frustration and accept what you can’t change. At the moment when you remember to check yourself, the music stops. Try to remember this next time and skip all the hair pulling. Strain recommendation: Bubba Kush

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