When smuggling large quantities of cocaine into the United States, it can be easy to get a bit over zealous with the strategy. After all, sending in a drug mule strapped with pounds of Caribbean go-go powder comes with more of a payday than constantly pushing a nickel and dime operation through a barrage of airport security sand customs officials.
However, the minute some poor bastard climbs off a plane with so much coke taped to his legs that it literally causes him to walk as though he was just humped into submission by a pack of horny wildebeests, it may be time to reassess trafficking methods.
The organization responsible for this tumultuous tale may want to go back to drawing board sooner rather than later.
Reports indicate that a man with several pounds of cocaine attached to his body was busted earlier last week when he attempted to get through airport security without someone noticing the awkwardness in his step.
Officers with U.S. Customs and Border Protection say that Juan Carlos Galan Luperon, a citizen of the United States, was acting a bit peculiar when he stepped off the plane at John F. Kennedy International Airport after a visit to the Dominican Republic.
That’s when they pulled Luperon from the line and began giving him the third degree. “Why are your pants so bulky,” we imagine at least one agent said, while another probably just stood there intimidatingly along the sidelines, trying to figure out exactly what could cause a grown man to act like he was riding through customs on the business end of a broom handle.
Through a little deductive reasoning, agents agreed the incident could be drug-related.
We suspect this is when Luperon began to fall apart—his nerves rattling like a large animal caught in an electric fence; his heart pounding with such intensity that the drug sniffing hounds barking in the distance began to acquire an insatiable taste for blood.
Still, the man maintained…at least for a moment.
But as soon as customs agents got Luperon into a private interrogation room, the entire scene came crashing down—and hard. At least one agent may have pinned him in the corner, probably popping a latex glove in his face, as if to tell him that a vicious cavity search was on the horizon.
Luperon was probably one of those people who had never actually encountered the airport’s proctology division, so it makes total sense that he lost all nerve and gave them permission to conduct a search—exterior only, please!
Border agents discovered 10 pounds of cocaine molded around both of Luperon’s legs. The shipment was worth an estimated $164,000, according to the CBP.
Luperon is now facing federal drug trafficking charges. If convicted, he could serve at least 10 years in prison.
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