Twas the night before Christmas, when all thro’ New Jersey,
every volunteer Santa was high, even the one they called Smithy.
His stash was tucked, but still in plain view,
enough for an officer to say, “Hey man, does this belong to you?”
The cop got a warrant to search Smithy’s ride,
where they found heroin, hypodermic needles and even a crack pipe.
This Santa was screwed, this much he knew, exclaiming, “If you had to deal with those kids, you’d be stoned too.”
But the cops felt no sympathy when reading his rights, “we’re hauling your ass to jail,” they said, “you’ll be there all night.”
It is typical during the high holiday season to see images of the jolly old fat man known as Kris Kringle smoking a pipe, while kicking back near a fireplace somewhere in the North Pole, reading letters from boys and girls all over the world begging for candy, toys and other useless garbage.
So, What’s In Santa Claus’ Pipe?
There has been a lot of question over the years, however, as to exactly what Santa is putting in that ever so popular chibouk that dangles from his mouth as he prepares to inspire a pack of wild animals to guide his sleigh around the world during Christmas time.
Some believe the character, which is based on Germany’s “Father Christmas,” enjoys European tobacco, while others, including us, are of the opinion that the head elf would not chief out on anything less than an extra magical strain of cannabis—one with the power to keep him chill during the busy season and also give his reindeer the gift of flight.
But in New Jersey, it seems that some of Santa’s field soldiers (you know, those guys who typically show up to scare the crap out of kids in retail shopping malls) are trading in the Norman Rockwell-esque charm of the pipe-smoking holiday icon for toking contraptions designed to relish in the wild-eyed vapors that come from holding a flame to a crack rock.
One Santa Claus Busted With Crack Cocaine Pipe And Heroin
One of these Bad Santa’s—66-year-old Charles Smith, who volunteers in the red suit for a local Toys for Tots campaign—was apparently busted earlier this week on a multitude of drug charges after police discovered him cruising along Route 46 with a crack pipe riding shotgun.
Seriously, reports indicate that during a random traffic stop, the officer spotted a crack pipe sitting in the passenger seat, right next to his Santa Claus costume.
The conspicuous nature of Santa Smithy’s drug paraphernalia was all it took for officers with the South Hackensack Police Department to initiate a search of the vehicle, which “turned up more paraphernalia and the hypodermic needle,” according to Captain Robert Kaiser.
“This is the guy who has our kids sitting on his lap,” he said, adding that the officers also found a couple of empty bags of crack and heroin while rummaging through his highway sleigh.
Smith, a retired New Jersey transit worker, had been volunteering at the Bergen County Toys for Tots prior to his arrest. But now that it has become public knowledge that Santa Smithy likes to spread Christmas cheer blasted out of his mind and on the nod, officials with the organization have had him blacklisted.
“He’s a druggie. He doesn’t need to be around children. He did what he did—so he’s done,” Brian Murray, a spokesperson with Toys for Tots, told the New York Post.
In the end, Santa Smithy was taken to the Bergen County Jail and charged with possession of drug paraphernalia. It’s only considered a “disorderly persons offenses,” which is a misdemeanor that comes with the possibility of up to six months in jail and fines reaching $1,000.
As long as Smithy doesn’t have a previous record, he’ll likely be out well before the holidays.
Smithy was sad, but tweaked out of his mind,
so he just kicked back in his cell and did his time.
But officers mocked him from behind the bars,
Giving him hell, “Hey we impounded your car.”
But Smithy didn’t care, he was doing just fine, shouting, “Merry Christmas, you bastards. I’m still fucking high.”
