Hopefully, there is only a small, overly eccentric breed of weed enthusiast out there in the bad, mad world brave enough to poke around in the not-so-distant edges of zoophilia in an attempt to get high with a bunch of turd-hurling monkeys. But after more than that 40 years in the business of slinging the provocatively raucous plights of high society, we are confident that someone has already rattled that cage. In fact, we have a strange feeling that it is just matter of time before Netflix drops us a message about a docuseries we might like called Jungle Buds: Coco Does Cannabis. Come to think of it, we’d probably watch it. So would you!
But this column is not intended to wax poetic about the possibility of an aspiring filmmaker who may or may not have set out into the wilderness armed with only a camera and a couple pounds of that homegrown Mississippi Mind Eraser to document the trials and tribulations of merging both beast and bong whilst living among a bunch of chimpanzees. These words are to be considered a warning for that portion of the American population living where undomesticated primates roam freely in the streets like alley cats and stray dogs. It is imperative to exercise caution here: Do not smoke weed with the furry, little fiends that dangle from the trees. If you do, you could end up with a wicked case of killer herpes.
Florida Monkeys Spreading Bizarre Strain of Herpes Virus
This isn’t fake news. This is a legitimate threat. It seems that monkeys in the Sunshine State have been testing positive for a nasty strain of the herpes virus that is wicked deadly to the human race. Researchers warn that all of the bodily fluids from the feral rhesus monkey—including saliva and feces—could contain killer herpes. This means Floridians who regularly smoke marijuana with anyone who works with or is around these monkeys on even a semi-regular basis could be at risk of waking up with mouth lesions, fever or something much worse.
Fortunately, the scientific minds with their fingers on the pulse of this outbreak say it is not likely to impact the human population immensely. It was written this week in the Journal of Emerging Infectious Diseases that the herpes B virus should be considered “low risk, but high-consequence” for those doomed individuals who end up with it.
However, the folks at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention say the disease is nothing to monkey around with. The agency explains herpes B as an infection of the brain that can result in either “severe neurological impairment” or death. The latter happens in 70 percent of the cases. Now would be a good time to practice telling your friends, family and co-workers, “Hell no, you may not have a hit off my vape pen.”
No, It’s Not Stupid to Suggest Getting High With Monkeys Can Kill. The Federal Government Admits They Like Weed
Around two years ago it was revealed that the National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA) once conducted a super secret study in which it concluded, “monkeys like to get high.” Seriously, in 2003, a team of researchers went to work every day and hung out in a laboratory setting, examining the effects of marijuana on a very lucky group of squirrel monkeys. Interestingly, this study is largely to blame for the U.S. Drug Enforcement Administration’s refusal to downgrade the Schedule I classification of the herb. The report said that since monkeys thoroughly enjoyed receiving regular doses of THC, the federal government, specifically the FDA, could not recommend that cannabis be removed from its current position. The call was made because apparently, these types of studies are “often useful in predicting rewarding effects in humans.” So, since our evolutionary forefathers like marijuana, taxpaying Americans have been doomed to prohibition.
Don’t Monkey Around With Herpes
Regardless if we’re discussing killer herpes or the run of the mill virus that infects one out of every six people in the United States, sharing joints and smoking devices with others can spread this disease. This is most likely to occur during those ever so popular communal smoke sessions. To say these social smoke circles will forever incite panic in hearts and mouths of high hypochondriacs is an understatement.
This is part of the reason why some cannabis companies, like Toast, are developing pot products built for one. It’s a smart business move considering there are plenty of germaphobes who want nothing to do with whatever transmittable breakout-producing lip and genital virus their fellow smokers are carrying. Because, unlike a pot buzz, herpes is forever. We hope you’ll forgive us for being somewhat leery about that kind of commitment, especially since we now know that killer herpes is also a thing.
Final Hit: Smoking Weed With Monkeys Could Lead to Killer Herpes
Although wildlife professionals are urging people to be cautious, not terrified of Florida’s herpes B-infected monkeys, the Howard Hughes in us is of the opinion that anyone with so much as a suntan during the winter months should be considered a mega-source of infection. Call us paranoid. Call us dumb. But you won’t see us calling a doctor anytime soon with a swollen, crusty lip that looks like a deleted scene from The Elephant Man.