The High Times astrological forecast, complete with strain recommendations!
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ARIES
The sexy and brilliant comedian Tig Notaro once said she was the “luckiest unlucky person”, which of course reminded me of you. Life’s been a crapshoot for a while, and even now after crossing that invisible Rubicon, you continue to suffer some of the worst slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. The key to overcoming this lies in realigning your head and your heart. Unless your heart can stop pumping out all the feels for the wrong person, and start loving you better, your wikkidsmart head will remain frustrated as all hell. You’ve had a tough slog of it, but you are also very lucky. You have so much love flowing your way, you are learning how to achieve health, and you will soon know how to organize your world so that you’ll never come back here again. Strain recommendation: Grandma’s Sugar Cookies
TAURUS
You are ‘to the point’ in the way you speak, the way you think, the way you tackle difficulty: rarely unkind, but always direct enough to be clearly understood and unfettered by decorous posturing. Jo Brand, the charming, deadpan comedian once said “The way to a man’s heart is through his hanky pocket with a breadknife”. Though she is a Leo, I would happily nominate her to be an honorary Taurean for this one quote alone. You are similarly matter-of-fact in all things, but most particularly in your need for a focused purpose in life. Without a clear calling, you feel lost at sea. Well, strap in, it’s time for a high-speed boat race straight to your final raison d’être. Hallelujah—you are finally back in your element. Strain recommendation: Transformer
GEMINI
If you are lucky enough to have seen Jessica Kirson perform her comedy live, you will know she is a master at working the audience. She can get a wave of laughter going, and just ride it like… well all I can think of is a stallion’s flowing mane rippling in the wind as it surfs a giant swell in Hawaii. So imagine that and don’t worry about the horse, he’s got a swimming certificate. You are verging on a big life change, and the universe recommends riding it out, nice and smooth. Do what you must to physically prepare for the journey, but keep your mind in the present, enjoying the last days of summer wholeheartedly. You’ll value thinking back on them when you are immersed in the intensity of fall. Strain recommendation: Ayahuasca Purple
CANCER
Overwhelmed. I keep seeing images of Goldie Hawn falling backwards off her boat in the movie Overboard when I think of you. A great Hawn quote is “For better or worse: I don’t give up.” Well frankly, giving up right now isn’t really an option. You have responsibilities up the wazoo, and little room for escape. The only way out would be the mental or emotional check-out, which is what I am urging you not to do. It’s a lot right now, absolutely. Too much, one might say from their fetal position in the shower, fully clothed. But you will overcome; the universe promises you soon some good old boring times, with nothing more to worry about than the minutia of daily life. You’ll just have to survive August. Strain recommendation: CBD Critical Mass
LEO
You may feel like you are screwing up; your new responsibilities are heavy, and the pressure to pull everything off without a hitch is becoming unbearable. In such times I try to remember that if someone like the super-accomplished Lena Dunham can say “My life is just one big accidental FaceTime”, then I can find some compassion for myself for not being instantly perfect at something new. Learning curves are real, and you are at the beginning of one now. Remember that you can be an amazing caretaker and still ask for help and that caretakers have to care for themselves in order to be able to care for others, so maybe ease up on the self-judgment and scorn. Strain recommendation: Pamelina
VIRGO
A quote from the quirky and amazing comedian Maria Bamford: “My therapist said I was afraid of success, which may in fact be true, because I have a feeling that fulfilling my potential would really cut into my sittin’ around time.” You are just finishing up a rather unpleasant period of life where you were feeling awkward and unnecessary. Now you are hesitating to jump into a new life cause it means independence, challenge and facing the unknown—and that just sounds like so much effort! Can’t you just not do this adulting thing for a while longer? Nope. The universe is kicking you out of your teenage bedroom at age 43 and telling you to get a real job for fuckssake—you better listen, or it’ll cut off your allowance too. Strain recommendation: Zelly’s Gift
LIBRA
The lovely Amy Poehler said “A lot of people who are dead wish they were still alive.” Man, you’ve been frustrating the cosmos recently. You know exactly how to improve your quality of life, but you let self-imposed limitations stop you from enjoying yourself. Are you feeling a little friend lonely? Then call that nice lady you met who said she’d love to see that exhibit you discussed. No it’s not too last minute, most people enjoy an invitation to a fun event! No, it’s not an imposition to ask your longtime friend to drive you both to a concert out of town! Oh, your back hurts so now you can’t play tennis? Well, then, go the osteopath for chrissake!!! Or go swimming! It’s life! This is it. Now. So get over yourself, and get into your self. Strain recommendation: Wild Thailand
SCORPIO
“Don’t misunderstand me; I don’t want to die alone, but spending quality time with myself 60 to 70 percent of the day is my idea of Mecca.” This is a quote from the hilarious comedian Issa Rae, who is shooting to stardom right now. She is stunning, cool, multi talented and still, she thinks of herself as awkward and wants to be alone for a big chunk of everyday. I feel like you can relate. Your dreams are kinda coming true right now but you have to hang with a few too many people in order to get them accomplished. Just hold tight; once you get there, no one will be able to stop you from ghosting, a.k.a. pulling an Irish Goodbye, a.k.a. making a French exit, a.k.a. ditching their asses and spending the night lip-synching ’90s rap in front of your bathroom mirror in your underwear. Strain recommendation: False Teeth
SAGITTARIUS
Sarah Silverman “I don’t set out to offend or shock, but I also don’t do anything to avoid it.” Some of you Sags should have this tattooed on your ass. Sure, I’ve met a more restrained archer or two in my time, but beneath the polite layers lay the same old unabashedly intense, straight talker who doesn’t always think their fantastic plans through to the end before galvanizing the troops. Do you find you sometimes drag your loved ones into explosions of your self-created chaos? While your chosen task may prove a success in the end, some of your folk are left a little singed. Maybe now would be a good time to sit down with a budget or schedule or personal advisor so that this next big awesome idea you’ve been brewing doesn’t leave your pals scrambling to cover their bare asses. Strain recommendation: Cherry Slyder
CAPRICORN
It’s hard not to question if you are a self-absorbed, over sensitive, needy child when you find yourself feeling unacknowledged by your peers. It’s a veritable minefield for the ego. You think perhaps of just moving on, not depending on these people for validity… but we all need to feel valued. Kristen Schaal, a wonderful comedian, once said “Everybody’s trying to leave their mark on the world. That’s why there’s graffiti and babies.” Why not just accept that you are entitled to respect for what you do, and don’t let this self-worth labyrinth trap you in a surprise pile of bullshit quicksand? Strain recommendation: Bad Azz Kush
AQUARIUS
Amy Shumer said “I am a woman with thoughts and questions and shit to say.” Damn girl, yes! This lady knows how to woman up! Take a page from her book, Aquarians. You need to reign in your spacey ass and get your shit together. Say what you mean! Assert your persona. Make your presence known. Discover your passion. Now’s the time. You can’t just float through the rest of your life anymore, ‘cause you are for real being passed on the highway of life by grannies in strollers. Strain recommendation: Tesla Tower
PISCES
Former Daily Show correspondent and all-around awesome lady Jessica Williams is quoted as saying, “Get more confidence by doing things that excite and frighten you.” You know this well. You feel a rush every time you mix up your lifestyle, which you do on the regular while looking for that right fit, searching for that day when you will be happy with the current color of your lawn’s grass. You get a wave of confidence with each decision make. This is a beautiful quality, though you may find you rush into choices just so you can live that rush a little longer. The cosmos are assigning you a new challenge: sit in your latest choice until it becomes boring, and then sit some more, until it becomes unbearable. Then sit longer, until you find some love for it. Which you will, if you are patient. Strain recommendation: Brandywine
