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High Horoscopes | June 2017

Aelie Câlin

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The High Times astrological forecast, complete with strain recommendations!

Ask Aelie anything! Find her on Facebook and Twitter.

ARIES

Carrie Coon is an American actress who is currently a lead on two of the coolest shows on TV: Fargo and The Leftovers. It’s rare to see the same actor in two shows, especially when their highly anticipated third seasons are running concurrently. She is making her mark by being in two completely different places at once. As are you! You have your Fargo life, full of funny characters, self-effacing Midwestern-style humility and zany work situations, and your Leftovers life, replete with high emotional drama and super-duper weirdness. Just like Carrie, you are pulling them both off marvelously but also like her two shows, your time in these worlds is coming to an end. Fargo replaces their cast every season and The Leftovers series is ending. Prepare yourself for new adventures by finishing off your present experiences with grace and mindfulness. Strain recommendation: Marcosus Marshmellow

TAURUS

Your recent decision to stop negativity from leading you into a state of internal weakness is inspiring. Who says you can’t teach an old dog new tricks? Watching you make your neural pathways your bitch is fascinating, not only because of the obvious improvements it has already made to your quality of life, but because each time you struggle with the tenacious darkness you fostered for so long, you become more and more of a warrior! This battle is not as easily won as you expected—that moment you realized the way out of your pain was through positivity was powerful, and had its own momentum. Now it’s all about maintenance. You need to be on it, hungry to identify relapses before they take hold. Strain recommendation: Alien Dutchess

GEMINI

Butterflies are beloved, almost magical creatures, but before they sprout their colorful wings they are generally ignored. Caterpillars aren’t pretty in the same way. They have more legs than make people comfortable. They move in a determinedly non-human way. Sometimes Geminis feel like alien insects—crawling along, just waiting to explode into the magnificent and massively appreciated beauty that you believe you are destined to be. So what is keeping you from your fabulous life? You might think it’s confidence, or opportunity, but really it’s a lack of imagination. You can’t really believe in this ideal future, because it hasn’t happened to you before. You suspect it is your path, but you don’t know it to be truth yet. It’s about time to buy into what you’re selling and give faith a chance. Strain recommendation: Megalodon

CANCER

One of the big takeaways I got from gorging myself on the latest season of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt on Netflix is an earworm of the line “Those females are strong as hell” from the theme song—or rather, the auto-tune remix that is the theme song. Not that I didn’t know this before, but hearing it 13 times in quick succession and then a million times in my head for the next few days was enough to remind me to reflect on what that means to me. I have a dear Cancerian friend who lives in Australia; she’s an amazing artist and educator, a mom of two lovelies, and she has brilliant life energy. She is strong as hell. I’m pretty sure she doesn’t know quite what a force of nature she is. She just does what she does, beautifully, powerfully, open-heartedly; inspiring me, and others along the way, without showboating or asking for praise. Take a lesson from her about the dignity and power of quiet strength. Strain recommendation: Government Mule

LEO

The Leo perspective is a curious thing to behold. It appears to be standard-issue reality based, but upon deeper investigation, little oddities begin to appear. I have come to recognize that at least 12 percent of what I assume is common human perspective is not so when it comes to you. Someone once told me that everyone is either alien, human, or animal. For instance: Idris Elba, Woody Harrelson and Margaret Cho: Human. Sean Penn, Kevin Hart and Javier Bardem: Animal. Tilda Swinton, Taylor Swift, Reggie Watts: Alien. I have determined that all Leos are at least 12 percent alien. Embrace it. Be proud of being able to see the world from 2.2 million light years away. You are uniquely qualified to see things in a new light! Strain recommendation: Tesla Tower

VIRGO

One night, at the end of the month of May, President Trump made a little booboo, a flub—a minor gaffe, some would say. To which of many do I refer, you ask? Covfefe. He tweeted this word before heading to bed, unaware that he had hit send, mid-thought and before auto-correct had a chance to attempt a fix. Six hours later he awoke to the covfefe meme storm of 2017.  Sorry to tell you, but this is your covfefe month. A period of carelessness resulting in hilarity. You can sway the stars a bit by being mindful, but to a certain degree, for the next 30 days, you will be subject to the oopsy-daisies of the universe without recourse.  Embrace the momentary shame, learn to laugh at yourself and allow the importance of care and awareness to inform your ridiculous self. Strain recommendation: Purple Tide

LIBRA

After more than 75 years in existence, Wonder Woman is finally getting her own movie. It comes out this month, and expectations are high. She is a kick-ass demi-goddess, an Amazonian princess and, according to the DC universe, bisexual. Unsurprisingly it doesn’t seem as though this aspect of her identity will be promoted much in the film’s marketing.  In this day and age, progress is still rarely allowed a full leap ahead. It is forced to go step by agonizing step, so as to let those who are far behind keep up. Are we frightened that if we push for too much progress too soon it will lead to those who feel disconnected to vote en masse for someone who promises to return them to a time when they felt in control, or god forbid, refuse to pay for a movie ticket? How much longer will you allow the ones at the back of the pack retard your development Libra? When will you finally just sprint for the finish line, leaving the rest in the dust, to fend for themselves? Strain recommendation: Carnival

SCORPIO

The famous life-sized big blue whale model that hangs in the Natural History museum in New York got its annual bath recently. The process is like an OCD sufferers’ dream. One man, using a cherry picker, took two days to carefully vacuum an entire year’s worth of dust off of every inch of Moby, revealing a beautiful blue skin beneath a thick layer of grey. Lemme tell you, the before and after pics are dramatic. Which reminds me of the layer of dust that has settled upon your creative soul. Why have you let it get so musty in there? Throw open a window, air that shit out, take a Swiffer to it and light some incense. Those poor words, sounds, colors and shapes that need expressing are just about to have asthma attacks. For sure there are some dud ideas stored under white sheets that can go straight into recycling—but if only one gem makes it into the light, it’ll be worth doing the deep clean. Strain recommendation: Tardis

SAGITTARIUS

Some people think of seagulls as beach rats, pigeons as flying city rats, and squirrels as fluffy-tailed tree rats. Comparing these creatures to rats makes the observer feel justified in disparaging them. My question is, what’s wrong with rats to begin with? Yes they have been known to carry disease, but so has your toddler. They are furry, as are dogs. They have tails, as do cats. They have little black eyes, just like hamsters. So where does the hate come from? Much of it is connected to fear, passed down, through stories and films to malign anything capable of overwhelming a human by sheer numbers. The fear keeps their numbers down. You are currently reacting to old fears that have been passed down through your family, just like those musophobes do. These anxieties need to be re-evaluated. Strain recommendation: Pink Starburst

CAPRICORN

You’ve been lying in bed for hours. Your partner is sprawled out next to you, gently snoring, the cat is taking up the entirety of your leg space, and you feel trapped. Not by your loved ones, but by the imposition of ‘sleep time’. Does it truly make sense in this age of electric lighting, 24-hour pharmacies and online shopping for us to have prescribed times when society should power down? Many famous geniuses were known to keep odd hours and some of the happiest people on earth embrace the beauty of the siesta. Let your abnormal circadian rhythm flag fly high! Stop feeling the embarrassment of being built differently. Let your unique ways become curious footnotes in your remarkable success story. Strain recommendation: Elphinstone

AQUARIUS

Still trying to choose what to do next? You, my dear, are the decision-making turtle of the zodiac! I mean, sure, once you decide on something it’s gung-ho, take no prisoners, nothing’s gonna stop you now. But damn kid, it takes you years to get to that point! Anyway, could you speed up the process just a bit, just to save your loved ones months of stress and hair loss? Perhaps you could start by examining why you instinctively resist change, and then maybe a little self searching on why you feel so much pressure when faced with dissatisfaction, and then top it off with a convention for one on the topic of letting others help you through emotional choices. Strain recommendation: Hulkamania

PISCES

Every sign demonstrates their unhappiness in different ways. Surprisingly, Pisceans become obsessive. Indeed, many signs share this quality, namely Capricorns, Virgos and Libras—but their tendencies are to think in circles. Yours is to feel in circles. It may appear as if you are a hypochondriac, or overly concerned with the details of social politesse, or incredibly finicky about what you eat or how you want to perform certain tasks—but internally you are struggling with a loop of repetitive emotion which cycles you through bouts of irritation, communication problems, hypersensitivity and fear. To get off the merry-go-round you have to step away from what is spinning you out. Take some quiet time to get some perspective. Strain recommendation: Brandywine

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